Trash Heaven

I've been running...

2010-01-22T22:21:00.015-06:00

on fumes since my exile back to the South. You'd think that all the trash would give me a ton of material, but it's just over. I barely have the strength to go on, even with all the diet pills.

It seems that I'm starting to emerge from my debilitating depression (unfortunately), but a few things are driving me fucking crazy. Mainly, the Democrats have failed our country and the working poor by fucking up health care and it seems that we're more white trash than ever, I just can't take it.

Thank God for CINDY McCain, aka Joan Collins 2.0! At least I can count on her to fight the fight for all my precious Queens. Why are liberals so goddamn weak (excluding Hillary, of course)? The Dems are pussies and the Repubs are shitty faux drooling Christian morons. Do you know where that leaves us? I'll tell you, we are totally fucked.

I'm giving up on politics and going to spend the rest of my days counting pills, just like this methed out choctaw slut during a movie I saw the other day. Every few minutes I'd hear her goddamn pill bottle rattling and then she would count that shit out. After the movie, I saw her peel out in the most adorable Taurus station wagon. She left skid marks on the pavement and also in her chair in the theater (I conducted my own sniff test), my kind of cracked out slut.

Don't feel sorry for me, I've got a bright "future" ahead. Just the other day, I "bumped" into the maid and she fell down the stairs. It's really the little things. And I know there is a basement somewhere, a la Silence of the Lambs, a place where I can finally ~~torture a bus of retards~~ be comfortable.

And one more thing, don't think I didn't catch the fucked up crazy shit that came out of Pat Robertson's mouth about Haiti's "pact with the devil." I'm pretty sure he was already at the top of the "Just Die" list, but I can't wait to upgrade him to the "Thank God He's Dead" list.

I'm going to dedicate my last blog to a few of my favorite crunk bitches. I'm in awe of their numerous surgies and addicitons. Let's raise our pill bottles to Priscilla, Joan, Elizabeth and Candy.

Glamour shot of the day

2010-01-07T20:09:00.003-06:00

Just look at this gross bitch. She's actually a really shitty Republican "actress" and a big Sarah Palin supporter. What a fucking moron.

And you know that poodles make me violently ill. Poodle jizz is one the "secret ingredients" in mayonnaise!

Speaking of crazy fucks, check out the nutty bitch in the clip below.

Today's blog is...

2010-01-07T19:46:00.004-06:00

brought to you by this white trash couple pigging the fuck out at Chili's. Chili's is such a fucking dump, almost as bad as Applebee's.

According to my "sources," they each had two entrees. These pigs don't fuck around, my kind of trash! I bet their plumbing is totally fucked. The man-pig ordered tartar sauce for his goddamn quesadilla. I really hope my informant just made that up to fuck with me.

Tartar sauce is so goddamn sick. It's fucking mayonnaise bitches. You pigs have to quit eating that gross shit. I'd rather nibble on the swollen abdomen of a blood filled tick hanging off the chode of someone with "special needs," than eat fucking mayonnaise.

I have a really gross white trash confession to make. On Christmas Eve, I had lunch at Applebee's and then dinner at Chili's. I'm so fucking gross. The guilt has been killing me. I'm so fucked at this point, that I might as well become a Christian.

Thanks Joey

Did you make...

2010-01-07T19:12:00.005-06:00

any shitty resolutions for the new year? I've thought long and hard and in 2010, I'm going to try ~~to take even more pills~~ and be a better "person" and I've also decided to transition into a woman. I'm going to be adorable! Hopefully I'll be as natural looking as a woman, as Chaz Bono is as a "man."

I'm going to start by always rocking a pair of long sick acrylic nails. There is nothing like the scent of feces as someone drags their filthy acrylic nail under your nose!

After you watch this clip, you'll know how to do your own "custom" nails. If you're not careful, you'll be the envy of the whole trailer park.

Thanks Lindsey

Do you remember...

2010-01-07T18:43:00.009-06:00

Robby and Becky? Their white trash "love" continues to medicate my broken soul. During the last few months of my debilitating depression, I've totally neglected them.

According to my "sources," the holidays were pretty rough on them. Robby was eating Becky out and she got a terrible yeast infection from an abscessed tooth. The "recession" hasn't bothered them, as they've clearly never worked anyway. But, as some of you can gather from his adorable smile, Robby still loves to chew on bricks, rocks and chunks of concrete.

I think Robby would make a really great homeopathic "doctor." I know a dear "friend" of mine that could employ him to gnaw on some of his massive hemorrhoids.

For Phil & Veronica

I'm sure some...

2010-01-06T16:17:00.006-06:00

of you pigs have already seen this methed out slut on Dlisted, the best blog in all whitetrashdom. I howled as I watched some of this cracked out bitch's really hot moves.

I can't believe somebody didn't shut her the fuck down. I promise you, that if I were on a plane and some worn out old white trash whore was acting like that, we would have an altercation.

If you look close enough, you can see that most of her teeth are gone. This side effect from years of meth will make sucking the nastiest dick in town a special treat. Plus, you know it's hot to jizz on someone's infected gums. Fucking sick.

Looking at pictures of meth online has me craving diet pills. It just ~~makes me want to have anonymous sex and drink a bucket of jizz~~ revolts me.

Anyway, enjoys the clip of this amazing piece of shit. I'm going with Southwest Airlines by the look of those busted "leather" seats. Fucking white trash! Let's take a moment of silence for the poor queen that had to sit next to her.

I was at...

2010-01-06T14:59:00.003-06:00

"work" earlier, fucking miserable and ~~cracked the fuck out on my diet pill~~ bored as shit. I heard this Jabba the Hutt-ish sound (like gargling butter), looked up and gazed upon this adorable monster. Her orthopedic boots squished across the wood floor as she dragged herself to the couch.

When "she" finally sat down it sounded like a combination of a wet queef and someone stomping on a mound of slugs. Sort of like the sound it makes when you fist a wet loaf of bread. Yes, I've fisted a wet loaf of bread.

After for fucking ever she finally peeled out in the direction of Golden Coral. I took a can of Lysol over to the couch to kill any clit roaches she'd left behind, unfortunately the only thing remaining was a sweat streak from her ass in the leather.

If you're looking...

2010-01-06T14:45:00.004-06:00

for a way to trivialize something that's already been whored to the max, then you really need to get this ultra shitty Bible key chain. If you're so desperate for Jesus, that you need to get a magnified glass out to learn about his "miracles," then we have a big problem and you're probably ~~fucking retarded~~ special.

If you're a shit-house-rat Christian, this is the perfect size to smuggle in your ass on your next trip to China. I could fit dozens, no problem.

Thanks Frank

Glamour shot of the day

2009-12-27T01:50:00.002-06:00

And you thought you had a shitty Christmas. Just look at the combo of that broke down tree plus those shitty dolls. This bitch is obviously trying to overcompensate for having a loser husband, and also for being a boring ass Christian.

Today's blog is...

2009-12-27T01:40:00.004-06:00

brought to you by Lisa Sellers. When it comes to pigging the fuck out, Lisa does not play around. Plus, her "command" of English is off the charts. I'd like to order an emergency analysis of "her" home plumbing.

Anyway, Lisa is an American pig of the highest order. On a "bad" day, "she" might consume over 30,000 calories. I would not advise leaving small children and / or cars in her presence.

Thanks Ben

Every so often...

2009-12-27T01:16:00.005-06:00

I come across something, and I have to decide, "too fucked up" or "go for it." I'm going to make a "special" exception for the following post, mainly because of the ~~massive amount of tranquilizers I'm on~~ holidays. If you didn't hate me before, then we're probably going to have a problem.

My "only" comfort is that 99.9999% of you can't afford or are too retarded to ever challenge me with some down home litigation. Anyway, enjoy the Lord's goodness and fuck off!

It really takes...

2009-12-27T01:05:00.004-06:00

a special pig to get my attention these days. As most of you know it's more common than not to run into a super sow. Well, a fan of Trash Heaven was trying on wigs at Good Will, when he came across this monster pig fucking up a gallon of ice cream barely hanging on a waffle cone.

As I've mentioned many times, I live in fear of being caught in the act of capturing hoggetry (the ancient art of being a pig) at its finest. Well, this person was actually busted. He was focused in on the sow, and her methed out "friend" spotted him taking a pic. I'd like to take my ankle boot off to this brave soul for catching this beast in her natural habitat, not many of us exhibit this kind of bravery.

Thanks Andrew

Talk about some...

2009-12-26T23:15:00.003-06:00

really fucked up shit, this makes a threesome with Terri Schiavo, JonBenet and Stephen Hawking look really apple pie. I'd like to dedicate this absolute fuckery to all the Jesus freaks that lobby for the restriction of the availability of birth control.

If you're broke fucked up trash, don't have a goddamn baby. You cum guzzling pigs are fucking killing me!

Thanks Frank

I've been dropping...

2009-12-26T22:49:00.005-06:00

hints for months and months about getting one of these adorable recliners. This shit has to be Cindy McCain and John Collins' wet fucking dream. No matter how fucking pilled out you are or how many bottles of champagne you've bonged, this shit can always get your drooling ass up and around.

As some of you know, I'm a HUGE fan of any and all cloth furniture, especially sectionals and recliners. There is no better way to store decades and buckets worth of human fluids. Sometimes I have nightmares where I'm drinking buckets of brown water left over from steam cleaning cloth furniture. I always wake up with a massive boner, or at least I think, its hard to tell with all the fat it's trapped in.

Thanks Nate

If you're like...

2009-12-26T17:51:00.004-06:00

me ~~a total shit house house rat and fucking miserable~~ and I pray to all the pharmacies that you aren't, then you're just creaming your dump pants over the goddamn holidays.

Christmas proved to not be as painful as in years past. But I prepared with half a bar of Xanax and a "few" glasses of champagne, before I watched my siblings partake in their yearly ~~celebration of Christ~~ orgy of consumption.

A certain member of my family kept going on an on about how we were going to "keep it simple" this year. I think we need to reevaluate just what the fuck "simple" means, because it turned into a material blowout with cash spraying from the rafters, all paid for on credit I'm sure. It's the American "way."

Anyway, the day after Christmas is going down in history for some intense DDs (debilitating depression). At first it wasn't so bad, and then the restlessness kicked in. I ~~did some yoga and drank some chamomile tea~~ was "forced" to take half a bottle of pain pills and wash them down with Vodka.

I know you pigs are like, "get to the fucking point, you goddamn sad pig bitch." So, here is the point, from now on I'm going to focus on "celebrating" the special pigs in my life, and not just obsessing about hooking them up with the perfect gift, covered in the sweat of the ~~slaves~~ child workers that made it.

In this spirit, I'd like you all to enjoy this video below. It's the sweetest goddamn thing I've seen all year. Pay special attention to the 0:18 mark. God bless and may the year to come billow with TRASH goodness!

Thanks Angela

Glamour shot of the day

2009-12-06T03:35:00.006-06:00

There is nothing like an 80s Christmas whore to really get the holidays started. You can tell that this slut loves to do some serious baking. According to my "sources," her secret ingredient is chunks of feces from her acrylic nails.

I'm not sure about your family, but this is such a "special" time of year for mine. I'm working on a few new official slogans for Christmas.

1. Christmas: Bankrupting the Middle Class for over 6 decades.

2. Christmas: A really shitty reason to forcibly encounter all the morons you spend the rest of the year avoiding.

3. Christmas: That special time of year when pigs' try to cover up those painful emotional scars with cheap bullshit from overseas.

Today's blog is...

2009-12-05T22:42:00.006-06:00

brought to you by this adorable pig and former member of the female gender. I had the pleasure of running into this sow at a truck stop in Oklahoma. You might be asking yourself, "what the fuck is this sick bitch doing in Oklahoma?" I actually went ~~to buy some retards for my torture chamber~~ for "work."

Anyway, I was cracked the fuck out on a diet pill and needed to pull over to ~~piss in the sink~~ use the ladies' room. And on my way in, I saw the fucking monster above, who also happened to catch me taking pics. I played it off like I was answering the phone and said my usual, "sell all my shares."

Well, on closer inspection of the denim tubes (jeans?) covering the mounds of fat extending from "her" hips to the ground, I happened to notice a slight discoloration on the rear of jeans. I decided to pig the fuck out at the Burger King inside the truck stop, all the while fighting back an erection as mayonnaise dripped down my chin. I daydreamed about the fabulous life we could share together, one filled with endless amounts of questionable anal hygiene.

I consider myself an expert in all varieties of stains. According to my "sources," this stain was most probably fecal in nature with just a splash of urine. I'm going to start ordering a cocktail with a similar description,"...and I'll have the usual, some vodka with just a splash of shit..."

Blowing your pants up is right up there with being a Mormon on the scale of embarrassing shit. I do feel as if I've let all you skanky pigs down by not providing a profile pic, but at that point I was fighting for my life. But once I made it inside, I was put at ease by the fabulous selection of Native American "art" on display. And by Native American, I really mean it was made by small children in China. Gas station "collectibles" are a great gift if you'd like the recipient to seriously contemplate suicide. They also help weigh trailers down during tornadoes.

I was really...

2009-12-05T22:12:00.008-06:00

crunk a few nights ago. I was "forced" to take some pain pills ~~to treat my desperate unrequited emo love~~ for my back and "accidentally" washed them down with vodka. It was all a horrible "misunderstanding."

So, the next morning I was digging through the empty pizza boxes and pill bottles on my bed looking for my phone so I could check my email. I finally found it under a poem titled Sad Pig, that I'd written in melted butter and mascara tears the previous night.

Anyway, I had a ton of emails from iTunes, thanking me for purchasing a bunch of shitty songs. This shit happens to me all the time, but I barfed some Xanax chunks through my nose when I came across a certain purchase. Apparently, in the depths of my darkest hours, while blacked out (time traveling), I'd purchased the new Susan Boyle album.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This definitely counts as a White Trash Weekend Confessional (WTWF). I've been a big supporter of this sad pig since she did the splits on that shiteous tv show. What's worse, my Susan Boyle confession or my love of Amy Grant?

Did you happen to see the pics from her most recent meltdown? She was mobbed by a bunch of fans and resorted to sucking her thumb to deal with the situation. That's my kind of nutty pig. Get it bitch! God, I love Brit Trash!

I had just...

2009-12-05T21:46:00.008-06:00

dropped my family (yes, I have one, but they hate me) off at the airport and was back on my way home, when I came across this dream catcher, surely sent by Trash Angels to bring comfort to all droolers.

The local "airport" is in the middle of fucking nowhere and you have to drive through these really shitty towns to get there. I almost ran off the road when I saw this piece of absolute fucking shit. And it's really a shame that I didn't, because some snake handlin' Pentecostals were just getting out of church and I probably could have taken out a few dozen of those miserable pigs.

Have you ever noticed that the men that run these disgusting cults are always sporting shit eating grins, while their sad ~~slaves~~ wives always look like Terri Schiavo on a bad day. I might find it particularly hard to smile if I was dragging one of those butt fucking ugly denim ensembles around.

Anyway, I pulled off the road to take these pics and I kid you not, this dream catcher was the size of a goddamn trailer. I sat in front of it for hours, hoping that it would catch all my shitty karma, but by the number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office, it's not working.

I know this...

2009-12-05T21:36:00.006-06:00

shit is old news, but in case any of you didn't see, I'm going to post it anyway. This kid is fucking awesome. He's from a really shitty town that's not that far from my own disgusting dump of a hometown.

Sometimes our country can be so fucking white trash, and by sometimes I mean almost all the goddamn time. It's nice to see this kid standing up for something so important.

Being on the wrong side of history is white trash and the hijacking of the Republican party by ultra white trash Christian Evangelicals was a really hot move. These pigs are beyond boring. I can understand the whole not wanting to pay taxes thing, but everything else is really involves fucking those that need it the most.

And speaking of boring fucks, check out the really hot license plate above. Can you see what it says? It says, "RU4GOD?" WTF is wrong with these drooling pigs?!?! What I'm for, is for you to mind your own goddamn business and shut the fuck up.

As some of...

2009-12-05T20:58:00.005-06:00

you might know, I'm obsessed with really disgusting maladies like yeast infections, crabs, etc. The vagina (mysterious rotting lady cave) has always bewildered me. So, when my lady friends tell me that something really fucked up with their lady parts, I lap it up (cute pun).

Anyway, during a conservation on the topic of yeast infections, my lady friend told me a story about her grandmother. Now, for a little background, this is one of those trashy granny's that I absolutely die for. You know, 4 packs of cigarettes a day, farting in public, always sporting disastrous hair compliments of some blind students at the local beauty school, a total class act.

Well, she told me that when her granny used to get yeast infections back in the day, that she would always treat them with some natural remedies. I asked her to delve deeper into these "remedies" and what she told me has me fucking ill.

So, when her granny had a bad case of rotten crotch, she would shove buckets of yogurt in her pussy. Are you fucking kidding!? Apparently, she believes that the "good bacteria" in yogurt would combat the bad shit gnawing on her beaver. Well, we have a big problem and I have a few questions.

1. Just how much yogurt are we talking about?
2. What was the method of delivery (knowing this lady, I'm thinking a snow shovel or an old ketchup bottle)?
3. How long does the yogurt stay in; days, weeks, months?
4. And how the fuck does she get it out? Cute queef.
5. And does she reuse the yogurt after her blowout?

This fucked up story really made my day and in the spirit of this nasty ass grandma, I'm going to attempt to recreate her adorable remedy. I'm thinking the 10th floor balcony of a hotel would be the perfect place to try out my experiment. Fuck, I hope there is a nativity scene below that I can aim for.

Thanks Melissa

I am currently...

2009-12-05T20:25:00.007-06:00

under the influence of massive amounts of pain killers, enough to make Cindy McCain queef vicodin slime on her Sarah Palin voodoo doll. Thank God for strep throat. I must have gotten it from ~~some bad truck stop dick~~ all the volunteer work I do. Anyway, I haven't updated this piece of shit in forever and assumed that it was just about over.

However, some really fucked up gutterbutt shit has happened in the last few days and I feel that it must be shared with all my wonderful pigs.

And from now on, I'll probably only be able to update Trash Heaven once a week, if that. I'm sorry pigs, but I've decided to get another degree (my 10th). I'm mainly doing this to annoy several close friends. Secondly, as most of you are surely aware of, my debilitating depression keeps me from more traditional forms of employment.

Glamour shot of the day

2009-11-12T17:07:00.003-06:00

This "lady" is fucking adorable. The cigarette, the cameltoe, it's all too much for me. Those cotton shorts are fabulous. I'm sure they really show off her crotch sweat on a hot summer day.

And can you see that poor dog in the background? He's thinking, "God, this place is a fucking dump and my owner is such an old white trash whore."

Today's blog is...

2009-11-12T16:51:00.002-06:00

brought to you by balut. It's basically a fucked up fertilized egg and is considered a "delicacy." I'm sure! A friend of mine eats this nasty shit with his family during the holidays. Adorable. We can file this under "cute culture."

This clip is fucking sick. I'm not sure if I should fuck a Jerry's Kid or rub my dick on the Book of Mormon.

Thanks Sean & Panda

I'm a really...

2009-11-12T16:37:00.004-06:00

big music snob, and a snob in general, therefore, I can't stand John Mayer. He grosses me the fuck out. And he does that gross sex/taking a shit face when he plays guitar. Bleh.

Anyway, someone sent me this clip of one of his pig fans, really rocking out to his shitty music (0:10 mark). Poor thing. I'd like to tell "her" that everything is going to be just fine, but that would probably be a lie.

And is it just me, or does this pig look like the long lost twin of Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs?

Thanks Beau

Have you ever...

2009-11-12T15:47:00.003-06:00

been to Proctor, Minnesota? Sounds like a fucking dump. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the suicide rate there is off the charts. Anyway, Dennis LeRoy Anderson, was arrested there last month for peeling out shitfaced in a motorized La-Z-Boy.

Really? You might be white trash if your piss soaked recliner just happens to be motorized. Check out the old whore in the clip below. She was doing a wheelie (0:25 mark) on the recliner at the time of the arrest. I'm fucking sure.

Thanks Frank

I want to...

2009-11-12T14:57:00.006-06:00

know what the fuck is wrong with Wynonna Judd? I know this country pig has gained and lost hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds a la Oprah (Have you seen her show lately? She's fucking huge). Trust me, I feel her pig pain.

However, her addiction to melted butter and raw hamburger meat does not explain this RuPaul / Melissa Etheridge hybrid super sow ensemble.

Just look at her trashy fucked up mom. I'm obsessed with her. If you got an addictions to pills and/or plastic surgery, then I'm your fucked up pig. I love RICH WHITE TRASH! I would bob for their rotten tampons in a fucked up a litter box.

I hope you enjoy the clip below. I've ~~violently sobbed to this song while eating pizza after pizza~~ seen a dozen drag queens perform this number over the years. When I hear it, it always makes me think of busted assholes, broken dreams, and pantyhose dripping in ball sweat.

Just look at...

2009-11-12T11:31:00.004-06:00

these pregnant pigs. Pregnant bitches makes me violently ill. When I see kids screaming and acting fucking insane, I always like to tap the "mother" on the shoulder and say, "too late to abort?"

Anyway, this adorable mother/daughter combo, both have those "things" growing in them from riding the CDE (Cum Dumpster Express). They also have swine flu. Fucking gross. And you know that they put their cigarettes out right before the cameras started rolling.

I'm not totally convinced that the daughter is even pregnant. Frankly, she just looks like a fucking pig to me.

Thanks Jon

I swear on...

2009-11-12T10:34:00.006-06:00

all the ~~retards locked up in my basement~~ pills in my wig drawer, that I'm going to queef shrimp flavored snot, if fucking Carrie Prejean doesn't disappear. I can't remember if this low rent slut is already on the "Just Die" list or not, but it's time. This bitch is such a waste of space, that I feel sorry for her terds. However, she would be a fabulous contestant in a yeast infection sniffing contest.

Make sure there aren't any old people in the room when you watch this clip, because you'll want to beat the fuck out of someone. She was on Larry King last night to sling her shitty "book," QUEEFN' JESUS: THE MEMOIR OF A WHORE. This fucking skank says that Sarah Palin is her hero. Really pig?!? Talk about a kennel packed full of boring bitches.

Is Prejean a bigger fraud that Palin? Can you imagine the bullshit dripping out of these books? What about all the slow Christian trash shitting in their butt ugly denim ensembles, in anticipation of Prejean's literary "masterpiece." And by masterpiece, I mean a study in drooling fraudulent Christian white trash.

Check out the 2:15 mark. Larry takes a call from a pagent loving renegade queen and Prejean attempts to peel the fuck out. Fucking hilarious!

Breaking "News!"

2009-11-10T00:26:00.006-06:00

Due to the "overwhelming" response regarding Terri's last breath, I've decided to continue on with this shitty blog. A part of me wants to ~~jack off with with a bucket of nursing home snot~~ build a new basement to chain up some of my more mentally challenged friends.

Anyway, I'm sorry to all the precious "people" out there that got nervous about the blog. Oh and just a little note to you fucked up pigs. You guys are fucking sick. If my mother ever got a hold of Trash Heaven, she would ~~have one of her slaves~~ break into my trailer and torch my entire collection of Joan Collins memorabilia.

I'll try and sling some fucked up shit for you bitches in the next few days. And if the precious pig below can be "happy," can't we all? Ha!

It is with...

2009-11-03T19:28:00.004-06:00

great "sadness" that I announce the death of Trash Heaven. It's just over. I'm wearing my new 24XL hogdress with an airbrushed picture of Terri Schiavo that says, "it is finished."

I need to take some time off and deal with this debilitating depression. Everything would be fine if Candy Spelling would just reply to my fucking fan mail.

I have a "feeling" that it's going to be a really rough winter. Look for me on the next season of Big Medicine. Kirstie Alley and Carnie Wilson have destroyed me via their calorie orgy. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow after my gastric bypass consultation.

If you're like...

2009-10-27T16:40:00.002-05:00

me, ~~a bored lonely pig~~ and enjoy fucking around on youtube for endless hours, then you'll eventually run across some really adorable pigs. These "people" will provide ample evidence that Natural Selection isn't working.

Anyway, the sow above looks like the long lost twin of Sloth from the The Goonies, and he's absolutely butchered one of my favorite Amy Grant songs. Yes, I ~~used to be obsessed with Amy Grant and have been to five of her concerts~~ like Amy Grant. I'm a sad pig!

This sow has blocked the video, so I can't embed it. Click here to watch this tragic rendition of I Will Remember You.

Take a second during this shiteous number, to check out all the horrible decorations. It looks like this was filmed in the lobby of a nursing home. The smell of a nursing home always makes me want to ~~get my dick out~~ vomit.

What is the...

2009-10-27T15:46:00.002-05:00

deal with white trash and their fucking pets? Just look at these boring fuckers. If you saw them crying at church during this song, you'd never know that they were also getting pounded by their pet monkeys. I bet that bitch's Old Testament is covered in monkey jizz.

Do you remember that one nutty bitch, that was fucking the chimp named Travis? And then one day Travis flipped the fuck out and tried to eat that crazy old whore. Cute tombstone, "Fucked & Eaten By Renegade Chimp."

As some of...

2009-10-27T15:35:00.003-05:00

you know, there is a very special place in my "heart" reserved for lesbians. They're just so goddamn sweet, nothing at all like any of the evil fucked up queens I know.

Anyway, if there is a special lady licker in your "life," and you can't think of anything to get "her" for the holidays, one of the necklaces above will do just fine.

According to my "sources," these pendants come scented to mimic some of your favorite vaginal maladies. Some even squirt tartar sauce, perfect for that office Christmas party from hell. And be sure to look for the clit lice pendant coming this Easter (HE is risen)!

Thanks Pig

Glamour shot of the day

2009-10-16T16:47:00.003-05:00

I hope these fucking losers are Christians, otherwise, they have a lot of explaining to do.

Today's blog is...

2009-10-16T16:41:00.002-05:00

brought to you by this angry redneck's mullet. Do all the "people" with mullets, know that they've got a fucking mullet? I'm kind of confused, because if you did, would you continue to fuck with the world via your gross white trash coif?

The only thing I'd like to do with this mullet, is braid it while he ~~fucks a dog~~ reads the Bible.

Thanks Joe

If you're a...

2009-10-16T16:29:00.005-05:00

fucking pig, it's probably not a good idea to wear tight jeans. I've had to give up almost all my denim, except a few of my elastic pig pieces.

Anyway, the pig above is in desperate need of a tailor that can hook "her" up with a 25XL denim masterpiece.

For Macy

If you're like...

2009-10-16T16:23:00.005-05:00

me, ~~a total pig~~ and have an account at Bank of America, you might be concerned by what the manager of my local branch is driving. Was it really worth pimping out this piece of shit for business? Maybe this is part of their "urban" strategy.

Thanks Mario

A very dear...

2009-10-16T15:53:00.003-05:00

~~queen~~ friend of mine, recently sent me this pic. As some of you know, I'm a HUGE fan of white trash bumper stickers. Abortion bumper stickers are always such a delight. They really make you stop and "think."

Anyway, this made me think of a few dumb fucking morons that I know. I'm going to make a bumper sticker for their mothers, that says, "MY KIDS A FUCKING MORON, I SHOULD HAVE ABORTED THAT SKANK."

Thanks Nate

I can almost...

2009-10-16T15:37:00.004-05:00

relate to this poor pig. Not in size (yet), but in the humiliation of passing out and people fucking with you.

Something horrible like this, happened to me last summer. Some ~~massive queens~~ friends were over at my house and we were beyond wasted. I'm talking Elizabeth Taylor/Cindy McCain wasted, totally fucked.

Well, apparently I blacked out and decided to do a few laps in the pool. A perfect time for a swim. Anyway, I finally came to sometime in the middle of the night, covered in candy wrappers and with a massive hangover.

The next morning, both of my "friends" had shit eating grins. After a few Xanax, they admitted to violating the "sanctity" of my body while putting me to bed.

Apparently, they'd done a close "inspection" of my lady parts while I was blacked out/time traveling. I told them my pussy was fucked up, but they just didn't take my word for it. They've been in counseling ever since. Fucking bitches.

For Matt & Shane

A friend of...

2009-10-16T14:39:00.006-05:00

mine sent me this clip, and it's all I can do not to put my head in the goddamn oven. Unfortunately for you all, my oven is electric, so it would only melt my face.

Anyway, this regards Glenn Beck, that quivering Republican piece of "Christian" cult trash. Watch this clip and try not to kill yourself. It's fucking awful. What a giant pussy. I hope his wife barfs on their Book of Mormon after watching this. Does he not have any shame? Always sobbing on tv about dumb shit. Get a life, pig.

The damage this conservative piece of shit has done is incalculable. All the bullshit he's fed to the throngs of white trash that listen to him. What a bunch of fucking morons. Burn in HELL, pigs!!!

Thanks Jon

Glamour shot of the day

2009-10-15T14:53:00.001-05:00

I love this whole ensemble, it really frames her cameltoe. And that shitty framed 8x10 on the wall is so fucking tacky. Small framed pictures and cameltoes are classic signs of being white trash.

Today's blog is...

2009-10-15T14:42:00.009-05:00

brought to you by this pig's adorable smile. A "friend" is mine is about to have some hemorrhoids cut out. Why spend thousands of dollars at the doctor, when you could just have this gross bitch come over and toss your salad (makes sure and eat 5 cups of Wendy's chili 12 hours before). After one session, those hemmys would be shredded like salad bar ham chunks.

Have you ever...

2009-10-15T11:54:00.007-05:00

seen a monster sow, fucking up a fast food drive-thru, on a rascal? The bitch above is magnificent and should be the new ~~mound of fat~~ "face" of Burger King.

If you know this pig, will you contact your local authorities, to do an emergency analysis of her plumbing? I bet this bitch takes such massive shits, that she could have them circumcised.

I'm going to use this opportunity, to reintroduce everyone to Ariel Wade. If you'll remember, Ariel is the pig of questionable gender that was turned away from a White Castle.

Thanks Daniel

Boot(s) of the week

2009-10-15T11:43:00.002-05:00

You could really make a statement in any of these fabulous boots. They look to be about a mens size 14, which means we're probably talking about some balls in pantyhose action, a personal favorite.

I'm coming out with a line of "energy drinks," made from chode sweat collected from discarded thongs/pantyhose.

Thanks Sean

As some of...

2009-10-15T11:27:00.002-05:00

you know, nothing kills me more than a really shitty wedding. The loser pigs above are making me extra suicidal today. I'm going to fucking shit in Gatorade cooler at the Special Olympics if I see one more pig with bare shoulders. Cover that shit up, you gross bitch.

With the "power" invested in me by the Choctaw "Nation," I know pronounce you boring white trash.

Thanks Will

Do you remember...

2009-10-15T11:03:00.006-05:00

the Country Queens? I'm talking about the beloved Nick Tarlton and Jesse Hilton. Their gay love radiates from the ~~trailer parks~~ hills of North Caroline and ~~revolts~~ touches us all.

Anyway, during our debilitating depression, we've lost touch with the Country Queens. They are always in our thoughts.

Well, a friend sent us this fabulous portrait of them. Click here to stay on top of all their fuckery. And I'd like to finish with a clip from Scandals, the most fabulous gay bar in all of creation.

Thanks Matt

Are you having...

2009-10-15T10:36:00.005-05:00

trouble finding a gift for that special pig in your life, that has everything? If so, you might need to invest in these bacon boots. These are perfect shoes for tap dancing on mounds of shit in a litter box.

As some of you might know, bacon is one of my favorite ~~lubes~~ snacks. It gives my coif a radiant shine. Anyway, watch the clip below of this feisty little up and coming country queen. His love for bacon is unmatched. What a little pig. Also, please take a minute to take in all the hideous "decorations." Cloth sectionals galore!

Thanks Frank & Beau

Glamour shot of the day

2009-10-08T16:47:00.002-05:00

Nothing says "old whore" like white shorts choking on a cameltoe. Have another drink/pill, pig.

Today's blog is...

2009-10-08T16:43:00.004-05:00

brought to you by this shitty ad that's been showing up at the bottom of my emails. The pig that came up with this shit needs to have his/her ass kicked.

More importantly, if your teeth are yellow, then you should bleach that gross shit. I promise, everyone is judging you, even the Christians.

Have you heard...

2009-10-08T16:31:00.005-05:00

of Siloam Springs, Arkansas? And have you heard of that list of the 100 places you have to go, before you die? Well, this place is a fucking dump and definitely not on any list, except maybe for the top suicides/abortions in the state.

Anyway, this wasteland is actually a "border town" you have to go through on the way to my favorite place on earth, the Cherokee Casino. All the pigs passing through, are greeted with this shitty fucking sign. I'd love to meet the redneck Christian trash that put this shit up. You've got to be kidding me.

I always think, "if this is God's country, then God must be white trash."

I was at...

2009-10-08T16:17:00.006-05:00

this total dump in my shitty town, trying to find a movie to distract me from my debilitating depression. I couldn't find anything good, it was like bobbing for tampons in a litter box.

However, I did run across this fucking monster. I tried to get a profile shot, but I was afraid IT was going to kick my ass. Let's discuss a few of the crimes against humanity, this pig was committing.

1. Highlights on men always look like shit. If you've got them, please do some "soul" searching.

2. Cut off jeans always make you look like an old worn the fuck out road whore.

3. I wanted to rub my nipples on his goddamn elbows. I'm sure they had the texture of a cat's tongue.

And on my way out, I saw this pig peeling the fuck out in this gross Monte Carlo. I think it was a "special" Nascar edition. You're killing me! What a shitty car.

Thanks Hellen K.

As some of...

2009-10-08T14:36:00.005-05:00

you know, I'm a really BIG "supporter" of the "arts." And when I saw the paintings above, I almost ~~jerked off to hemorrhoid porn~~ cried.

I can really relate to the butt ugly bitch. She looks like ~~a monster pig~~ she's having some problems dealing with her shitty reality. Join the club, pig.

I've already ordered a portrait of myself, that I hope adequately express the extent of my emotional retardation. And I hope you enjoy this amazing video. Just look at those sick boots!

Thanks Sean

We can only...

2009-10-08T14:20:00.003-05:00

hope that this unfortunate pig was able to make it out of her awkward "stage." Something that I've been struggling with for the last 15 years. FUCK!

Anyway, I like to call this the "Flipper Pose." It's a common pose that a pig uses to camouflage their morbid obesity. Sadly, it's not working.

Thanks Muffy

Just look at...

2009-10-08T10:55:00.004-05:00

this casino slut! Do you see that little bump she's rocking? Oh and do you see what's in her hand? This fucking gross bitch is not only tearing up the casino while pregnant, but she's also got two packs of cigarettes. I hope that baby has a parasitic twin with a 5 inch overbite.

We can all PRAISE THE LORD that this bitch decided not to use birth control. I'm sure "IT" will be totally fucked when her pussy does that birthing barf thing. Luckily for this white trash pig, my pill had already kicked in, or else we probably would have had an altercation.

I'd like to end my recent casino experience with ~~with a video of me sobbing in the car~~ the geriatric fuck below. This old piece of shit really made my day. He was playing the slots with his goddamn cane! Get it, pig!

Glamour shot of the day

2009-10-06T14:06:00.004-05:00

Always a ~~fucking pig~~ bridesmaid, never a bride. God bless this pig. You know during the reception, she locked herself in the bathroom screaming between bites of cake, "it should have been me...nom nom nom!"

Today's blog is...

2009-10-06T13:57:00.004-05:00

brought to you by this white trash "mom." There is nothing like blowing cigarette smoke on a baby. And don't think I didn't see that 6XL Winne the Pooh muumuu. Fucking pig.

You know this gross bitch smokes while she's taking a dump. Nothing like showing up to school on the first day, covered in cigarette burns, compliments of your trashy mom!

If you're militant...

2009-10-06T12:19:00.005-05:00

for Jesus, then you've got to let everyone at the trailer park know. As you can see, this unfortunate individual hasn't let his condition get in the way of being a Pig for Jesus.

Thanks Beau

A friend of...

2009-10-06T11:51:00.007-05:00

mine was pigging the fuck out at Subway. He was taking some anger out on a party platter, when he heard some grunts, followed by some sobbing. he turned around and was presented with this enormous sow below.

Subway will really trick a pig. You think you're eating a healthy meal, but you're still just a fucked up sow. A two foot meatball with a bucket of ranch is the only way to treat your debilitating depression.

Thanks Nate

Are you looking...

2009-10-06T11:29:00.006-05:00

for the perfect van ~~for fucking 4th graders~~ to spread the word of Jesus? I think the piece of shit above would result in a ton ~~of abortions~~ saved "souls."

As some of you know, Elvis is the Rich White Trash that started it all. His disgusting "lifestyle" paved the way for all most of the shitty reality shows that ~~I'm~~ you sad pigs are addicted to. Can you imagine the plumbing at Graceland?!?

I'm willing to bet several of my prescriptions that this van is covered in an array of bodily fluids. I'll have to have it steam cleaned and then taste the leftover skank broth to determine the orifice or origin.

I actually recorded the clip below. It's from a gross white trash bar in Pennsylvania. The pigs in the bar wept at the sight of this hybrid Elvis/American flag.

Thanks Frank

It's been a...

2009-10-06T10:26:00.005-05:00

long time since I've received a nice wolf/dream catcher/morbidly obese combo. As some of you know, wolves, dream catchers and massive pigs, are an integral part of the foundation of White Trashdom.

Well, awhile back my lady friend saw this 500 lb monster above exit a Ford Taurus, surely on "her" way to Vegas. This lady pig was "wearing" a 12XL puff paint ~~comforter~~ tunic.

The "CHRIST IS ALIVE" tunic provided the probable cause to check out this sow's car for some white trash paraphernalia. And surprise surprise, this fucking wolf shit was plastered on the back. The shame of that Taurus!

Thanks Macy & Nate

Did all you...

2009-10-06T09:59:00.006-05:00

sad pigs remember to order Sarah Palin's new autobiography, ~~Adventures In Guzzling Moose Cum~~ Going Rogue: An American Life. I think I'm going to have to buy this piece of shit, just to see how fucked up it is. According to my "sources," some of the chapters will be on the following:

1. Downs Cannon - Treasured Eskimo "tradition," kind of like shooting potatoes out of pvc, but with a downs baby instead.

2. The Art of Tick Removal - This chapter will explain Sarah's amazing ability to remove fat ticks off a hairy moose dick, with her hands tied behind her back.

3. Eat What You Kill - In the tradition "borrowed" from the Native "peoples" of Alaska, Sarah eats every part of the animal that she kills. This means that moose dick meatloaf runneth over like the ~~deception~~ love of Christ. And you're a dirty skank if you haven't tried her moose cum cupcakes; Trig's favorite.

I know that...

2009-09-30T13:45:00.007-05:00

Carnie Wilson and Kirstie Alley are ~~drinking melted butter~~ on the phone with their lawyers, contemplating legal action over Kelly Osborn's recent statement regarding her tendency to pig the fuck out on pills and soul food. These formerly famous pig bitches thought they had the monopoly on "celebrity" fat/pill consumption. Kelly said the following:

"I would take a bunch of pills and order whatever I liked. Mashed potatoes, chicken pot pie from Cheesecake Factory, Chinese food. I would just sit there and eat and eat. And cry while I was eating."

___________

One of the reasons this quote had me howling, is because it sounds like some shit I'd say. Kelly, you pig. I feel your sad rich "pain." And not only is this something that I'd say, but I just cried the other day at work as I bonged cookie after cookie. My tits were covered in mascara tears and cookies crumbs, along with the braille Book of Mormon that never leaves my side.

For all the spoiled loser pigs

Breaking "News!"

2009-09-30T10:30:00.006-05:00

I'm not sure if you gutterbutt pigs read dlisted or not. If you do, you know just how fucking funny it is, and if you don't, you've got to wake the fuck up.

Anyway, I was ~~sobbing and fucking a fist full of bacon~~ reading dlisted yesterday, when I came across this gay wedding of your trashy "dreams."

Honestly, these queens are fabulous. Do you see that "tuxedo" that morphs into a gown? I've called my tailor and I'm having all my muumuus turned into flowing pig dresses.

And I don't want any hateful emails from you skanky bitches. Trash Heaven is an official sponsor of equal rights. I'm all over this shit, because of the extreme "elegance" of the occasion. I bet their honeymoon will be just as classy as the ceremony.

You know what they say, "there is nothing as classy as a man jerking off with a pair of acrylic nails."

For Guy

Glamour shot of the day

2009-09-28T15:18:00.003-05:00

This gross bitch is fabulous. Do you see those white boots?!? Those sick boots could easily be "boot of the week." I would love to stop by a local nursing home, put these bad bitches on and do the splits in the lobby.

Today's blog is...

2009-09-28T15:12:00.003-05:00

brought to you by this piece of shit car. Who the fuck would give away a used Ford Taurus? What I would give to run this thing off a cliff.

As some of you know, I think the Ford Taurus was invented by Satan, to makes Americans look like even bigger fucking morons (if that's possible). All that aside, I went ahead and entered the contest.

A certain blog...

2009-09-28T14:57:00.004-05:00

has been in the news lately, for documenting trash at Wal-Mart. As most of you know, Trash Heaven was built on Wal-Mart trash. Anyway, the pigs above are adorable. You've got your "I've given up" sow rocking some gross sweat pants, along with a 700 lb pig on a Rascal.

I'd like to go to both of their "houses" and do an inspection of their plumbing, along with a "sniff test" of any cloth sectionals. The Rascal pig is such a monster, that she could probably put her terds up for adoption.

Thanks Nate

I had the...

2009-09-28T14:41:00.002-05:00

pleasure of going on a canoe trip earlier in the summer. Everyone knows how much I love being out in nature. Anyway, on the way to the river, one of my friends realized that they'd left their hat at home. So, I stopped at a white trash gas station and to my extreme pleasure, this was the only fucking hat on sale.

The CHRIST IS ALIVE series is really popular with white trash Christian skanks Republicans. If you've seen Christ lately, I'd like you to report yourself to the appropriate local authorities.

It's time to...

2009-09-28T14:04:00.006-05:00

bring back Mullet Monday. It's rare to see two "ladies" rocking some double mullet action. You can tell that they don't fuck around.

According to my "sources," they were both chewing tuna flavored gum. It is also safe to assume, that they would would have no problem doing a TKO on your lady parts.

Thanks Courtney

I've been feeling...

2009-09-28T11:24:00.005-05:00

so much "better" that I was actually able to fuck the casino up yesterday. There wasn't a mountain of trash like I'd hoped for, but a few pigs got my attention.

On my way out, I did stumble upon the stunning jewel featured below. She stood out among the pile of skin and fat around her? Why did this gross geriatric bitch make my day? Because she was smoking a fucking cigarette while hooked up to a goddamn oxygen tank. Isn't that shit deadly? Cute explosion at the casino. Everyone at that dump would probably be better off it it burned down.

Thanks Melissa

As some of...

2009-09-28T10:30:00.004-05:00

you know, I've been ~~pigging the fuck out, in the midst of a horrible depression~~ swamped at work, and this shitty blog is about as over as my career in personal training.

HOWEVER, some recent events have helped me ~~crawl out from all the empty pizza boxes~~ see the light. The shitty car above really made me ill. Can you see all the horrible bumper stickers?

Which one is more white trash: the "TRY JESUS," the BUSH/CHENEY (ha!) or the "sad pig + sad pig = marriage." What a fucked up moron.

A friend of...

2009-09-18T15:49:00.003-05:00

mine was at the grocery store, when he came across one of the most extreme cases of fat love that I've ever seen. This "lady" could probably have her own zip code, but her fucking husband is so goddamn fat, that he's in a wheelchair. My favorite!

According to my "sources," they routinely fuck in that wheelchair. It actually has a built-in drain for the combined hog butter running off these gross fucks.

Thanks Tim

I was on...

2009-09-18T15:34:00.003-05:00

my way to the ~~pharmacy~~ park, when this smoking hot guy pulled up next to me in a busted Dodge Neon (great investment). I barely notice road trash anymore, because there is just so fucking much of it! But, I was drawn to this four inch underbite like a tick to an exposed hemorrhoid.

I sat in a trash trance as the light turned green, followed by this massive loser nerd peeling the fuck out. We made eye contact, it was destiny. I can still smell the soot from the car backfiring.

Do you know...

2009-09-18T14:50:00.005-05:00

any gross old sluts that look like the trashy pig above? I have a feeling that she spit the cigarette out of her mouth right before this picture was taken. I'm going to list a few of this bitch's major problems:

1. Close your mouth pig, it looks like you would have no problem climbing a tree with your hands tied behind your back.

2. Nothing makes me more suicidal than a hand covered in shitty rings. You know that busted sterling silver is crawling in dick lice.

3. Your tits look like pancake batter.

4. If you're a pig, please don't let anyone take a picture of you in a bathing suit.

As some of...

2009-09-18T13:39:00.009-05:00

you pigs know, I'm obsessed with custom acrylic nails. Old school whores are happy with your average French tip acrylics (covered in fecal matter, of course). But today's working slut has a much more refined taste, as evident by the fabulous acrylics above.

A set of these sick things is really the only way to achieve perfect anal hygiene. I might have to put one of my wigs and head down and get some. It's the only way to ~~jerk a dog off~~ look elegant from head to camel toe.

Thanks Frank

Glamour shot of the day

2009-09-17T21:52:00.005-05:00

This poor family is butt ugly. Is everything ok with the mom's head? We all know that a tiny head is a sign of generational incest. Not to mention that it looks like a thimble gently resting on a mountain of fat. We can only hope and pray that the child didn't grow up trying to imitate her white trash mom.

Today's blog is...

2009-09-17T21:33:00.004-05:00

brought to you by this shitty car. I had an altercation with the three white trash bitches pimping around in this piece. For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have at least one altercation a day. I'm a white trash magnet.

Anyway, I was on my way out of the grocery store, pushing my cart filled with ~~box after box of cookies~~ Perrier. I heard a car backfire and looked up. These three white trash pig bitches roll by me in this piece of shit 1985 Nissan Sentra. The pig driving makes eye contact with me and says, "FUCKN' FAG."

Do you happen to see that BUSH/CHENEY bumper sticker on this bag of shit? I'm sure! These broke bitches had a lot of nerve. I'm going to blow a fucking gasket if I start talking about poor white trash Republicans. Wake up.

Have you been...

2009-09-17T21:04:00.005-05:00

to an IHOP lately? IHOP stands for INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PIGS. It's the kind of dump where you can really pig the fuck out and address some of those horrible emotions you've been trying so hard to suppress.

Anyway, a friend "forced" me to go recently and I was so "happy" that I did. This dump was packed wall to wall with crazy white trash. I was so grossed out, that ~~I pigged the fuck out~~ barely touched my food.

The pig below put my sad sow soul at ease. She "walked" in with a massive camel toe-ish thing stuffed in her "jeans." She could have cracked a carton of eggs with her pussy, it was that bad.

The shitty conversation coming from their table was on par if not worse than their combined morbid obessity. Upon the arrival of their "meal," they all touched hooves and grunted out loud for Jesus. According to my "sources," this is commonly reffered to as a prayer.

A very special...

2009-09-17T16:21:00.009-05:00

friend of Trash Heaven submitted this picture to me the other day. I think these massive sows are the perfect symbol for all the white trash flipping the fuck out about the president's agenda.

I hope I have to use a special "machine" someday, when I've become too goddamn fat to walk (it won't be very long at the current rate). These pig bitches are killing me!

I'll bet all my prescriptions that you can find these slow fucks drooling in church every Sunday. Health care reform has more retards in the streets than after Chernobyl.

Thanks Jon

A friend of...

2009-09-17T15:56:00.004-05:00

mine ran into this hot white trash couple in the parking lot of Target. Nothing says "white trash" like a goddamn NASCAR shirt. And of course the gross husband has a fucking mullet.

You know these pigs are shitting in their pants and crying into their gross Bible over the prospect of having health care for the first time.

I had to...

2009-09-17T15:32:00.004-05:00

the fucking dump of a mall in my hometown the other day. I'm surprised they didn't check my passport in the parking lot. Anyway, I had just pounded a piece of cookie cake and was wiping the tears from my face, when I saw this piece of shit.

I can't really deal with shit like this anymore. In the first place, what kind of "person" would drive a PT Cruiser convertible? Secondly, what kind of fucked up pig would customize this horrid shit?

I can just imagine the massive renegade white trash that peels out in this fucking piece. We are all fucked!

I was at...

2009-09-17T11:24:00.004-05:00

"work," ~~about to kill myself~~ enjoying another wonderful day, when this sad monster came in. I've been trying to mimic "her" ~~grunt~~ voice for weeks. She smelled like a combination of hamburgers, cigarettes, and semen. The kind of smell that makes you want to jack off in the collection plate at church.

Anyway, I'm going to give this pig a few tips on covering her enormity. For starters, if you're a 500+ lb smoker that sweats like a fucking sow, then shorts are not your friend and it's time to upgrade your 8XL to at least a 10 XL.

I know that...

2009-09-12T11:41:00.005-05:00

everyone in the Tahlequah M4M chat room on AOL has been flipping out about this picture of Kim Cattrall. I can only pray that everyone in "heaven" is dressed like this. This is modeled after the classic lot lizard whoredog look.

I think the real star of this ensemble, has to be the goddamn boots! I could do a really cute tap dancing number in these, in a litter box of course.

Have you ever...

2009-09-12T11:27:00.004-05:00

seen such adorable "people?" I'm going to have to go pig by pig to address some of the problems. Lets start from left to right:

Pig 1: I have a similar 12XL purple polo, but it's not giving this monster pig the kind of coverage she needs. According to my "sources," she was ravaged by a mentally disabled relative, leaving massive amounts of food as her only comfort.

Pig 2: Jean shorts are white trash and make you look like an even bigger ~~Christian~~ loser.

Pig 3: This pig is obviously "joined in Christ" to Pig 2, and is also "wearing" a pair of denim shorts. She's also knock kneed and rocking a butt ugly snack purse.

Thanks Jon

Do you know...

2009-09-12T11:14:00.005-05:00

any white trash pigs that have just moved into a trailer, and need to fill it with objet d'art? If so, the chairs above, will let the whole world know the elasticity of your busted genitalia and your crab count.

These tacky pieces of shit look just like some butt ugly chairs from this shitty club I used to go to back in the day. The toilet always overflowed, leaving the floor covered in piss, terds, and tampons. In other words, a great place to hook up.

The place was such a fucking dump, that my lady friend and I would take a lit cigarette, place it on the chair and let it burn down all the way, leaving an adorable burn. It was our signature move.

Thanks Frank

Glamour shot of the day

2009-09-08T15:31:00.003-05:00

This couple is fucking adorable, more proof that some sad pigs are born together. I bet these "people" attend the nicest church in town. Fucking losers!

Today's blog is...

2009-09-08T14:25:00.007-05:00

brought to you by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. During a recent ~~wine tour~~ humanitarian mission, I ran into a group of trashy whores from Milwaukee. They were so fucking gross and tacky! Total white trash.

To start with, their accents were fucking hideous. It was like a chorus of white trash whales and every once in a while you could make out an "OH YAAAAAA" or "fuck, I gotta take a shit."

It turns out that they were in town for a bachelorette party. They'd all gotten wasted and fucked by local rough trade trash, and now the white trash wedding was off.

Anyway, TMI...I know. But if you could just have seen these gross sluts. They all had shitty blond hair with roots, and gross acrylic nails. And according to my "sources," all these pigs voted for John McCain. What boring butt ugly sluts!

Have you ever...

2009-09-08T13:45:00.005-05:00

come across a diva, that also happens to be a massive pig? Well, I was fucking up a store with my evil lady friend, and we were confronted with the monster above.

The picture really doesn't do justice to the fiasco this bitch was the ringleader of. "She" weighed well over 400 lbs and was barking at all the poor ~~slaves~~ sales associates.

She wanted all her bags to match the interior of her Mercedes. I'm fucking sure! After she left, I saw an 89 Ford Escort station wagon peel the fuck out.

Thanks Macy

A friend of...

2009-09-08T13:08:00.002-05:00

mine spotted this really shitty truck the other day. Pieces of shit like this are really a dime a dozen, nothing to dig up your methed out sister's old abortions over.

However, if you look at little closer at that customized license plate, you'll notice that this happens to be "Tammy's Truck." There are a few things that we can infer from a plate like this:

1. Tammy's a bulldyke
2. Tammy's white trash
3. Tammy's morbidly obese
4. Tammy's got a really shitty name

Thanks Terri S.

With the power...

2009-09-08T12:46:00.005-05:00

invested in me by the Cherokee Nation, I'm going to go ahead and declare these white trash shoes, the "Boot of the Week."

I cannot stress how difficult it was to get these pictures. This "person" was fucking sick and "her" boyfriend was scary as fuck. I could have been the new addition to his line of teardrop tattoos.

Anyway, try to get that trashy shoe out of your mind for a second and pay close attention to that fabulous denim. I wish you could have seen her massive camel toe, I mean it was fucking huge. Her boyfriend was eating a funnel cake out it.

I just know this gross bitch gets fucked with this sick boots on. I would die to see someone getting pounded in a Ford Taurus, with these whore slippers hanging out the window.

I've really been...

2009-09-08T12:36:00.003-05:00

struggling for material lately. It's just harder and harder to find the kind of trash that really gets me going. Well, the pig above met all my criteria. She's my hero for the following reasons:

1. Really shitty scuffed up white shoes.
2. White Trash cigarette voice
3. Visible mound of fat contained in "shirt" of "subtle" color.
4. Just an all around gross bitch.

I just got...

2009-09-08T12:05:00.005-05:00

back from a Meals on Wheels convention in San Francisco. I help participate in this charity, by using my car to pig the fuck out at every single fast food dump in my shitty town.

Anyway, I saw this fabulous jacket mid-drool at the airport yesterday. Can you read it? "JUMP FOR JESUS!" I was mesmerized at the "craftsmanship" and all around glamour. I cracked a number of jokes about shitty Christian paraphernalia, morons, etc.

Everything was all fine and fucked up until the owner of the jacket turned around and made "eye contact" with me. It was fucking Corky's twin from Life Goes On.

Probably going straight to "hell" for this one.

For Macy

Breaking "News!"

2009-09-01T09:53:00.004-05:00

The Grand Empress of busted beavers is fucking pregnant again. I'm talking about Michelle Duggar, the boring Christian (oxymoron ?) sack of wholesomeness that makes me violently ill.

This will be her 19th baby. My "sources" leaked the picture below of Michelle's poor pussy. It has its own pulse and teeth! Jesus help us!

I wanted to make a list of the sick Duggar "children" to briefly describe some of the information I've received from my "sources."

--------------------------------------

Joshua James (21) - Big Christian loser (another oxymoron ?), on track to being morbidly obese. Opted out of college to be a used car salesman (shoot for the stars).

Jane Marie (19) - Appears to be hiding extreme lesbian tendencies. Was found sniffing a pair of Michelle's slime covered panties behind the First Baptist.

John-David (19) - Recently caught masturbating to "stories" from the Old Testament.

Jill Michelle (18) - Saves old tampons and uses them as puppets.

Jessa Lauren (16) - Has a 9 inch overbite.

Jinger Nicole (15) - Is ashamed of the spelling of her shitty name.

Joseph Garrett (14) - Likes to wear Michelle's prairie couture.

Josiah Matthew (13) - Likes to write Bible verses with his shit.

The rest of this righteous litter covered in Jesus Juice is as follows: Joy-Anna (11), Jedidiah Robert (10), Jeremiah Robert (9), Jason Michael (9), James Andrew (8), Justin Samuel (6), Jackson Levi (5), Johanna Faith (3), Jennifer Danielle (2), Jordyn-Grace (8 months).

I hope and pray that some of these poor things can escape from their fucked up compound. Cute reality check. It's like an episode of Big Love. There has to be a queen, dyke or tranny in the mix.

As some of...

2009-08-28T11:25:00.006-05:00

you've noticed, I've been a really bad pig lately about keeping up with this goddamn blog. I "struggle" each week, trying to deciding if I'm going to put my head in the oven or not.

Anyway, I received this sweet message the other day and it gave me the strength to dig out from under all the old cheeseburger wrappers, and share a little trash with you. The message follows:

"Could you stop being a pissy little bitch and update the fuckin website? I need some stimulation and i can only finger myself to clay aiken videos so much."

Thanks Gloria

Glamour shot of the day

2009-08-28T11:11:00.006-05:00

I have a "feeling" this "lady" can beat a pussy up like no other. I'm talking like with a chainsaw and a baseball bat. And where the fuck can I get my hands on this adorable shirt? I'm hoping that "moose" is her nickname and that this is in reference to her crazy gravy covered mullet sex she's so famous for.

Today's blog is...

2009-08-28T10:56:00.006-05:00

brought to you by Tac-Bac. Tac-Bac (tactical bacon) is canned bacon that can last up to ten years. If I can find my dick, should I get it out now or later?

It is recommended that you keep a can of this next to your bed. It makes a great lube and tastes great with a side of oozing genitalia covering in ingrown hairs.

This same company also makes FETAL PIG IN A CAN, featuring a built-in sperm reservoir, for those lonely winter nights.

Thanks Frank

I was at...

2009-08-28T10:42:00.003-05:00

the park with my dog last month, which is also the last time I had any physical activity, unless you count rolling from my bed to the refrigerator to the medicine cabinet. Anyway, I'd washed my antidepressants down with a bottle of champagne (while I was driving) and really had to piss.

So, I used the bathroom at the park, which was fucking adorable. After I had pissed all over the wall, I looked over and saw this cute "note." I think we can file this under, "You're fucked up rough trade."

Feel free to call this number, and if anyone answers, will you please tell them that I found their class ring...in my ass next to the gerbil bones.

Have you ever...

2009-08-26T18:13:00.008-05:00

been to Gainvesville, Florida? It has come to my attention that some massive white trash activity is taking place there, at the hands of a really shitty church. Big shocker. Anyway, this is a really trashy "Christian" "organization" there called Dove World Outreach Center. What a shitty name.

This "church" makes the "products" featured below. This shirt or sign would make a great gift for that special redneck in your life. Each sign purchased comes with your choice of a complimentary noose or white hooded robe.

Cute cross "cultural" outreach. I think these "people" have a big problem, besides being ignorant white trash of the highest order. The largest size the shirt comes in is XL. I think they need to reexamine their demographic. They're fucked if they don't have at least a 9 or 10 XL and I'm being generous. They should probably make them in mattress sizes.

A friend of...

2009-08-26T17:58:00.004-05:00

mine "forced" me to go to the casino with her the other night. Thinking of all the drooling Republican "Christian" trash that awaited my arrival, gave me enough "strength" to roll off my bed and into a really hot 9XL number I'd been saving for a special occasion.

As I'd predicted, the casino was overflowing with miserable white trash. All these "people" were wearing Sarah Palin shirts, and were probably headed directly from the reservation to the nearest townhall to protest health care reform. I'm just not sure if I could go on (because I'm so functional), if it weren't for these worthless sacks of pig shit.

Have you seen...

2009-08-26T17:51:00.004-05:00

this trashy commercial? It usually comes on during Intervention or another show featuring sad hopeless pigs. I'm going to order a catheter online to see exactly how this shit works. And then I'd like to put an ad in the paper, asking people to send me their old catheters, so that I can sniff them. I'd like to award some kind of skank ribbon to the pig with the most rotten one.