Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I know that...

Carnie Wilson and Kirstie Alley are drinking melted butter on the phone with their lawyers, contemplating legal action over Kelly Osborn's recent statement regarding her tendency to pig the fuck out on pills and soul food. These formerly famous pig bitches thought they had the monopoly on "celebrity" fat/pill consumption. Kelly said the following:

"I would take a bunch of pills and order whatever I liked. Mashed potatoes, chicken pot pie from Cheesecake Factory, Chinese food. I would just sit there and eat and eat. And cry while I was eating."


One of the reasons this quote had me howling, is because it sounds like some shit I'd say. Kelly, you pig. I feel your sad rich "pain." And not only is this something that I'd say, but I just cried the other day at work as I bonged cookie after cookie. My tits were covered in mascara tears and cookies crumbs, along with the braille Book of Mormon that never leaves my side.

For all the spoiled loser pigs

Breaking "News!"

I'm not sure if you gutterbutt pigs read dlisted or not. If you do, you know just how fucking funny it is, and if you don't, you've got to wake the fuck up.

Anyway, I was sobbing and fucking a fist full of bacon reading dlisted yesterday, when I came across this gay wedding of your trashy "dreams."

Honestly, these queens are fabulous. Do you see that "tuxedo" that morphs into a gown? I've called my tailor and I'm having all my muumuus turned into flowing pig dresses.

And I don't want any hateful emails from you skanky bitches. Trash Heaven is an official sponsor of equal rights. I'm all over this shit, because of the extreme "elegance" of the occasion. I bet their honeymoon will be just as classy as the ceremony.

You know what they say, "there is nothing as classy as a man jerking off with a pair of acrylic nails."

For Guy

Monday, September 28, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This gross bitch is fabulous. Do you see those white boots?!? Those sick boots could easily be "boot of the week." I would love to stop by a local nursing home, put these bad bitches on and do the splits in the lobby.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this piece of shit car. Who the fuck would give away a used Ford Taurus? What I would give to run this thing off a cliff.

As some of you know, I think the Ford Taurus was invented by Satan, to makes Americans look like even bigger fucking morons (if that's possible). All that aside, I went ahead and entered the contest.

A certain blog...

has been in the news lately, for documenting trash at Wal-Mart. As most of you know, Trash Heaven was built on Wal-Mart trash. Anyway, the pigs above are adorable. You've got your "I've given up" sow rocking some gross sweat pants, along with a 700 lb pig on a Rascal.

I'd like to go to both of their "houses" and do an inspection of their plumbing, along with a "sniff test" of any cloth sectionals. The Rascal pig is such a monster, that she could probably put her terds up for adoption.

Thanks Nate

I had the...

pleasure of going on a canoe trip earlier in the summer. Everyone knows how much I love being out in nature. Anyway, on the way to the river, one of my friends realized that they'd left their hat at home. So, I stopped at a white trash gas station and to my extreme pleasure, this was the only fucking hat on sale.

The CHRIST IS ALIVE series is really popular with white trash Christian skanks Republicans. If you've seen Christ lately, I'd like you to report yourself to the appropriate local authorities.

It's time to...

bring back Mullet Monday. It's rare to see two "ladies" rocking some double mullet action. You can tell that they don't fuck around.

According to my "sources," they were both chewing tuna flavored gum. It is also safe to assume, that they would would have no problem doing a TKO on your lady parts.

Thanks Courtney

I've been feeling...

so much "better" that I was actually able to fuck the casino up yesterday. There wasn't a mountain of trash like I'd hoped for, but a few pigs got my attention.

On my way out, I did stumble upon the stunning jewel featured below. She stood out among the pile of skin and fat around her? Why did this gross geriatric bitch make my day? Because she was smoking a fucking cigarette while hooked up to a goddamn oxygen tank. Isn't that shit deadly? Cute explosion at the casino. Everyone at that dump would probably be better off it it burned down.

Thanks Melissa

As some of...

you know, I've been pigging the fuck out, in the midst of a horrible depression swamped at work, and this shitty blog is about as over as my career in personal training.

HOWEVER, some recent events have helped me crawl out from all the empty pizza boxes see the light. The shitty car above really made me ill. Can you see all the horrible bumper stickers?

Which one is more white trash: the "TRY JESUS," the BUSH/CHENEY (ha!) or the "sad pig + sad pig = marriage." What a fucked up moron.

Friday, September 18, 2009

A friend of...

mine was at the grocery store, when he came across one of the most extreme cases of fat love that I've ever seen. This "lady" could probably have her own zip code, but her fucking husband is so goddamn fat, that he's in a wheelchair. My favorite!

According to my "sources," they routinely fuck in that wheelchair. It actually has a built-in drain for the combined hog butter running off these gross fucks.

Thanks Tim

I was on...

my way to the pharmacy park, when this smoking hot guy pulled up next to me in a busted Dodge Neon (great investment). I barely notice road trash anymore, because there is just so fucking much of it! But, I was drawn to this four inch underbite like a tick to an exposed hemorrhoid.

I sat in a trash trance as the light turned green, followed by this massive loser nerd peeling the fuck out. We made eye contact, it was destiny. I can still smell the soot from the car backfiring.

Do you know...

any gross old sluts that look like the trashy pig above? I have a feeling that she spit the cigarette out of her mouth right before this picture was taken. I'm going to list a few of this bitch's major problems:

1. Close your mouth pig, it looks like you would have no problem climbing a tree with your hands tied behind your back.

2. Nothing makes me more suicidal than a hand covered in shitty rings. You know that busted sterling silver is crawling in dick lice.

3. Your tits look like pancake batter.

4. If you're a pig, please don't let anyone take a picture of you in a bathing suit.

As some of...

you pigs know, I'm obsessed with custom acrylic nails. Old school whores are happy with your average French tip acrylics (covered in fecal matter, of course). But today's working slut has a much more refined taste, as evident by the fabulous acrylics above.

A set of these sick things is really the only way to achieve perfect anal hygiene. I might have to put one of my wigs and head down and get some. It's the only way to jerk a dog off look elegant from head to camel toe.

Thanks Frank

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This poor family is butt ugly. Is everything ok with the mom's head? We all know that a tiny head is a sign of generational incest. Not to mention that it looks like a thimble gently resting on a mountain of fat. We can only hope and pray that the child didn't grow up trying to imitate her white trash mom.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shitty car. I had an altercation with the three white trash bitches pimping around in this piece. For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have at least one altercation a day. I'm a white trash magnet.

Anyway, I was on my way out of the grocery store, pushing my cart filled with box after box of cookies Perrier. I heard a car backfire and looked up. These three white trash pig bitches roll by me in this piece of shit 1985 Nissan Sentra. The pig driving makes eye contact with me and says, "FUCKN' FAG."

Do you happen to see that BUSH/CHENEY bumper sticker on this bag of shit? I'm sure! These broke bitches had a lot of nerve. I'm going to blow a fucking gasket if I start talking about poor white trash Republicans. Wake up.

Have you been...

to an IHOP lately? IHOP stands for INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PIGS. It's the kind of dump where you can really pig the fuck out and address some of those horrible emotions you've been trying so hard to suppress.

Anyway, a friend "forced" me to go recently and I was so "happy" that I did. This dump was packed wall to wall with crazy white trash. I was so grossed out, that I pigged the fuck out barely touched my food.

The pig below put my sad sow soul at ease. She "walked" in with a massive camel toe-ish thing stuffed in her "jeans." She could have cracked a carton of eggs with her pussy, it was that bad.

The shitty conversation coming from their table was on par if not worse than their combined morbid obessity. Upon the arrival of their "meal," they all touched hooves and grunted out loud for Jesus. According to my "sources," this is commonly reffered to as a prayer.

A very special...

friend of Trash Heaven submitted this picture to me the other day. I think these massive sows are the perfect symbol for all the white trash flipping the fuck out about the president's agenda.

I hope I have to use a special "machine" someday, when I've become too goddamn fat to walk (it won't be very long at the current rate). These pig bitches are killing me!

I'll bet all my prescriptions that you can find these slow fucks drooling in church every Sunday. Health care reform has more retards in the streets than after Chernobyl.

Thanks Jon

A friend of...

mine ran into this hot white trash couple in the parking lot of Target. Nothing says "white trash" like a goddamn NASCAR shirt. And of course the gross husband has a fucking mullet.

You know these pigs are shitting in their pants and crying into their gross Bible over the prospect of having health care for the first time.

I had to...

the fucking dump of a mall in my hometown the other day. I'm surprised they didn't check my passport in the parking lot. Anyway, I had just pounded a piece of cookie cake and was wiping the tears from my face, when I saw this piece of shit.

I can't really deal with shit like this anymore. In the first place, what kind of "person" would drive a PT Cruiser convertible? Secondly, what kind of fucked up pig would customize this horrid shit?

I can just imagine the massive renegade white trash that peels out in this fucking piece. We are all fucked!

I was at...

"work," about to kill myself enjoying another wonderful day, when this sad monster came in. I've been trying to mimic "her" grunt voice for weeks. She smelled like a combination of hamburgers, cigarettes, and semen. The kind of smell that makes you want to jack off in the collection plate at church.

Anyway, I'm going to give this pig a few tips on covering her enormity. For starters, if you're a 500+ lb smoker that sweats like a fucking sow, then shorts are not your friend and it's time to upgrade your 8XL to at least a 10 XL.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I know that...

everyone in the Tahlequah M4M chat room on AOL has been flipping out about this picture of Kim Cattrall. I can only pray that everyone in "heaven" is dressed like this. This is modeled after the classic lot lizard whoredog look.

I think the real star of this ensemble, has to be the goddamn boots! I could do a really cute tap dancing number in these, in a litter box of course.

Have you ever...

seen such adorable "people?" I'm going to have to go pig by pig to address some of the problems. Lets start from left to right:

Pig 1: I have a similar 12XL purple polo, but it's not giving this monster pig the kind of coverage she needs. According to my "sources," she was ravaged by a mentally disabled relative, leaving massive amounts of food as her only comfort.

Pig 2: Jean shorts are white trash and make you look like an even bigger Christian loser.

Pig 3: This pig is obviously "joined in Christ" to Pig 2, and is also "wearing" a pair of denim shorts. She's also knock kneed and rocking a butt ugly snack purse.

Thanks Jon

Do you know...

any white trash pigs that have just moved into a trailer, and need to fill it with objet d'art? If so, the chairs above, will let the whole world know the elasticity of your busted genitalia and your crab count.

These tacky pieces of shit look just like some butt ugly chairs from this shitty club I used to go to back in the day. The toilet always overflowed, leaving the floor covered in piss, terds, and tampons. In other words, a great place to hook up.

The place was such a fucking dump, that my lady friend and I would take a lit cigarette, place it on the chair and let it burn down all the way, leaving an adorable burn. It was our signature move.

Thanks Frank

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This couple is fucking adorable, more proof that some sad pigs are born together. I bet these "people" attend the nicest church in town. Fucking losers!

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. During a recent wine tour humanitarian mission, I ran into a group of trashy whores from Milwaukee. They were so fucking gross and tacky! Total white trash.

To start with, their accents were fucking hideous. It was like a chorus of white trash whales and every once in a while you could make out an "OH YAAAAAA" or "fuck, I gotta take a shit."

It turns out that they were in town for a bachelorette party. They'd all gotten wasted and fucked by local rough trade trash, and now the white trash wedding was off.

Anyway, TMI...I know. But if you could just have seen these gross sluts. They all had shitty blond hair with roots, and gross acrylic nails. And according to my "sources," all these pigs voted for John McCain. What boring butt ugly sluts!

Have you ever...

come across a diva, that also happens to be a massive pig? Well, I was fucking up a store with my evil lady friend, and we were confronted with the monster above.

The picture really doesn't do justice to the fiasco this bitch was the ringleader of. "She" weighed well over 400 lbs and was barking at all the poor slaves sales associates.

She wanted all her bags to match the interior of her Mercedes. I'm fucking sure! After she left, I saw an 89 Ford Escort station wagon peel the fuck out.

Thanks Macy

A friend of...

mine spotted this really shitty truck the other day. Pieces of shit like this are really a dime a dozen, nothing to dig up your methed out sister's old abortions over.

However, if you look at little closer at that customized license plate, you'll notice that this happens to be "Tammy's Truck." There are a few things that we can infer from a plate like this:

1. Tammy's a bulldyke
2. Tammy's white trash
3. Tammy's morbidly obese
4. Tammy's got a really shitty name

Thanks Terri S.

With the power...

invested in me by the Cherokee Nation, I'm going to go ahead and declare these white trash shoes, the "Boot of the Week."

I cannot stress how difficult it was to get these pictures. This "person" was fucking sick and "her" boyfriend was scary as fuck. I could have been the new addition to his line of teardrop tattoos.

Anyway, try to get that trashy shoe out of your mind for a second and pay close attention to that fabulous denim. I wish you could have seen her massive camel toe, I mean it was fucking huge. Her boyfriend was eating a funnel cake out it.

I just know this gross bitch gets fucked with this sick boots on. I would die to see someone getting pounded in a Ford Taurus, with these whore slippers hanging out the window.