Friday, August 28, 2009

As some of...

you've noticed, I've been a really bad pig lately about keeping up with this goddamn blog. I "struggle" each week, trying to deciding if I'm going to put my head in the oven or not.

Anyway, I received this sweet message the other day and it gave me the strength to dig out from under all the old cheeseburger wrappers, and share a little trash with you. The message follows:

"Could you stop being a pissy little bitch and update the fuckin website? I need some stimulation and i can only finger myself to clay aiken videos so much."

Thanks Gloria

Glamour shot of the day

I have a "feeling" this "lady" can beat a pussy up like no other. I'm talking like with a chainsaw and a baseball bat. And where the fuck can I get my hands on this adorable shirt? I'm hoping that "moose" is her nickname and that this is in reference to her crazy gravy covered mullet sex she's so famous for.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Tac-Bac. Tac-Bac (tactical bacon) is canned bacon that can last up to ten years. If I can find my dick, should I get it out now or later?

It is recommended that you keep a can of this next to your bed. It makes a great lube and tastes great with a side of oozing genitalia covering in ingrown hairs.

This same company also makes FETAL PIG IN A CAN, featuring a built-in sperm reservoir, for those lonely winter nights.

Thanks Frank

I was at...

the park with my dog last month, which is also the last time I had any physical activity, unless you count rolling from my bed to the refrigerator to the medicine cabinet. Anyway, I'd washed my antidepressants down with a bottle of champagne (while I was driving) and really had to piss.

So, I used the bathroom at the park, which was fucking adorable. After I had pissed all over the wall, I looked over and saw this cute "note." I think we can file this under, "You're fucked up rough trade."

Feel free to call this number, and if anyone answers, will you please tell them that I found their class my ass next to the gerbil bones.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Have you ever...

been to Gainvesville, Florida? It has come to my attention that some massive white trash activity is taking place there, at the hands of a really shitty church. Big shocker. Anyway, this is a really trashy "Christian" "organization" there called Dove World Outreach Center. What a shitty name.

This "church" makes the "products" featured below. This shirt or sign would make a great gift for that special redneck in your life. Each sign purchased comes with your choice of a complimentary noose or white hooded robe.

Cute cross "cultural" outreach. I think these "people" have a big problem, besides being ignorant white trash of the highest order. The largest size the shirt comes in is XL. I think they need to reexamine their demographic. They're fucked if they don't have at least a 9 or 10 XL and I'm being generous. They should probably make them in mattress sizes.

A friend of...

mine "forced" me to go to the casino with her the other night. Thinking of all the drooling Republican "Christian" trash that awaited my arrival, gave me enough "strength" to roll off my bed and into a really hot 9XL number I'd been saving for a special occasion.

As I'd predicted, the casino was overflowing with miserable white trash. All these "people" were wearing Sarah Palin shirts, and were probably headed directly from the reservation to the nearest townhall to protest health care reform. I'm just not sure if I could go on (because I'm so functional), if it weren't for these worthless sacks of pig shit.

Have you seen...

this trashy commercial? It usually comes on during Intervention or another show featuring sad hopeless pigs. I'm going to order a catheter online to see exactly how this shit works. And then I'd like to put an ad in the paper, asking people to send me their old catheters, so that I can sniff them. I'd like to award some kind of skank ribbon to the pig with the most rotten one.

I was reading...

the instructions for my "new" dildo in braille today, and then I realized I hadn't updated this shitty blog in forever. Anyway, I wanted this adorable geriatric pig to be my first victim of the week.

I bumped into this pig at a really gross Mexican "restaurant" in the shitty fucking town I live in. By some miracle, I was able to spot "her" through the tears. The sight of Jabba the Hutt's white trash twin was such a relief, finally a sow to knock me down a notch on the biggest pig in the room totem pole.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I've posted pictures of this poor thing before, but let's be honest, she's fabulous. I just have this feeling that she's still waiting on Mr. Right. And in "her" case, Mr. Right might need to come equipped with a flowing mullet, flannel ensemble and a massive vagina.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shirt, which is possibly one of the best presents I've ever received. I've always wanted a 7XL shirt with an airbrushed dolphin. This shit is one of a kind. I can't decide if I should wear it or get it framed. Definitely one of the things going in the casket with me.

I'm going to head down to a really gross white trash "resort" on the Redneck Riviera. I'll be the envy of all the white trash in Panama City Beach, FL.

Thanks Melissa

A dear friend...

of Trash Heaven was able to take this picture of this old whore buying MD 20/20 (class act). This "wine" has been responsible for more trailer park abortions than a wire hanger.

Hopefully this white trash "mom" got really drunk on that sick shit. She probably ended the night by telling her kids how gross they are and how they've ruined her already shitty life.

Thanks JP

If you're ever...

really bored/miserable, just go sit in the parking lot at a gas station. I was filling up my massive SUV (the only thing I can fit in) the other day, when I came across these absolute fucking pigs.

The "woman" on the left probably weighs between 350 and 400 lbs. It was really hard to control the urge to masturbate. That morbidly obese pig was tearing up a cigarette. Should you be smoking if you're one pizza away from a wheelchair?

Anyway, both of these gross pigs "worked" at this shitty gas station. I'm not sure if you can tell from the pic, but the bitch in the 9XL red shirt had a goddamn mullet. I can only imagine what a shitty "conversation" they were having. It probably went something like this:

Pig 1: "grunting sound"

Pig 2: "I still can't believe Larry Joe was rubbing his hemorrhoid on granny's Bible."

Pig 1: "nom nom nom...ya...nom nom nom"

Pig 2: "I heard on Fox News that we was turning into Russia. I don't have health care, but I don't want none of that commie bullshit."

Pig 1: "Praise the LORD, who needs health care when you're covered in the blood of Jesus?" "nom nom nom"

I had to...

take a horribly annoying family member to the airport a few weeks ago (the same one I started the rumor about regarding her vaginal/anal hygiene).

My Xanax was kicking in and I was really annoyed that I was trapped in the car with the above mentioned bitch monster. However, the sight of the two pigs above put my fucked up "spirit" at ease. Let's take a moment of silence to contemplate the level of misery endured by the passengers that had to sit next to these sows.

I went to...

see a movie the other day, as a distraction from my shitty life. My friend spotted this pig on her third trip to the snack bar.

I know the picture sucks, but can you see the dump pants this sow is rocking? Oh and I'm pretty sure this is a "woman." We'll have to ask Terri Schiavo about the quantity of hormones this swamp monster needs to be on. God bless her poor toilet.

Thanks Melissa

As some of...

you know, Edna Faye is one of Trash Heaven's "mascots." Her friends on Facebook like to take pictures of Trash and tag them as Edna. 99% of the time, these tags are not that funny, or at least only funny from the standpoint of a fucking moron.

Well, somebody tagged Edna in the picture above and I think it's funny as fuck. This bitch is fabulous. Do you see that Ford Fiesta? I can't imagine why that piece of shit is up on cinder blocks. I would love to sniff / lick every inch of the cloth seats in that butt ugly piece.

Thanks Chris

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This couple is so goddamn adorable. You can tell that these pussies occupy an important part of their "lives." What losers! I bet their house stinks like piss! There is nothing as sick as a litter box. The site of one overflowing with cat shit has always given me an instant boner.

Thanks Lauren

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shitty license plate. Personalized license plates are so fucking trashy. Please don't get one, everyone will think you're trash!

First of all, how big of a Nascar fan do you have to be, to get something like this made? Should this "person" even be driving? I think an emergency IQ test is in order.

I'm going to...

have to get on meds from all the white trash flipping out at these town hall meetings on health care. I can't stop watching them. The trash is really coming out of the woodwork. These "people" have obviously really studied up on the topic.

In the first clip, the fucking redneck admits to not having any coverage. Am I missing something? You know the Republicans are really good, when they can convince random morons to support them, even if they're getting fucked with a stick covered in thorns. All you have to do is quote a random verse from the Bible and just wait for the drool to start flowing in the aisles.

Check out at the crazy bitch at the 1:14 mark. After that dumb slut is done flipping out, a gross country bulldyke (check out her really hot USA puff paint 12 XL shirt) goes on a lame rant (3:30 mark). She looks like she just got done getting pounded in the parking lot of a truck stop.

The second clip is white trash in action at its best. A woman had brought a poster of Rosa Parks with her, as an obvious symbol of the fight for equality. A crazy white trash pig flipped the fuck out and ripped the poster up (00:38 mark). I'm willing to bet all my refills at the pharmacy, that this guy is fucking racist white trash. Get a life and burn in hell, pig.

Thanks Frank & Jon

This is the...

second renegade weave pic I've been sent this week! What's the deal? My friend spotted this "subtle" lock of hair while she was royally pigging the fuck out at Golden Coral.

As you might know, Golden Coral is a mecca for all pigs' suffering from debilitating depression. It's really the only safe place where you can deal with all those horrible hidden emotions. Instead of pressing charges against your uncle for pounding you in 3rd grade, take it out on a vat of fried chicken.

Thanks Mandy

I can only...

imagine the state of this poor pig's goddamn plumbing. I bet her ass has melted the fucking toilet in her trailer. This mook (angry/renegade white trash) is proof that black is not always slimming.

Thanks Sean

I like to...

call people pig fuckers, it's one of my preferred terms of endearment. Anyway, I was reading the news the other day and the headline, "Man Rapes Horse" really grabbed my attention. I didn't know if I should jack off or put a baby in the microwave.

This horse fucking extraordinaire goes by Rodell Vereen. What an adorable name. Fucking "Rodell." Are you kidding? I have a feeling that Rodell needs to borrow some of Cindy McCain's pills and spend some time in a padded cell. If he ever makes it out, then he should probably hire a lawyer and look into changing that shiteous name.

Anyway, according to the article, the owner of the horse, is checking the stable, when she notices her prized horse acting really strange. She finally figures out what's going on, when the horse queefs and she's covered in a few buckets of jizz.

Have you ever...

heard of catfish noodling? It's a white trash "tradition" handed down passed down by generations of retards. Basically, these morons get in a really sick lake, like the one featured below, and they catch big nasty fucking catfish with their bare hands.

Catfish are fucking sick. They essentially dine on all the terds and dead shit at the bottom of a lake. Fucking delicious. Next time you're sowing the fuck down on some fried catfish, really try and savour that fried feces taste.

I was thinking, you really have to know how to use your fist to perfect the "art" of noodling. I know a few gutterbutt queens that would be great at this shit.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I'm kind of jealous, because I've never been able to pull off mint green pig pants. And I've got to look into getting myself a rascal. I can barely make it up a flight of stairs without a bar of Xanax and waiting cocktail. That purple "hat" really makes this ensemble. Cute thimble on a mountain of fat.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this personal hygiene tip. Recently, I started a rumor about a certain member of my family. I told a few people that this "person" wiped from "back to front," resulting in thoroughly rotten lady parts. I feel "bad," because everyone thinks she's a really gross bitch now. Ha!

Anyway, I'm sure some of you can benefit from the clip below. There is nothing worse than white trash with questionable anal hygiene.

Thanks Austin

A friend of...

mine was at a Willie Nelson concert and witnessed some of the craziest shit ever. During the national anthem, he looked over and saw this shit-house-rat waving his gross prosthetic leg in the air. Check out that shitty black shoe.

Thanks Jeff

Do you know...

any old shit-house-rats that like to feed wild animals? Well, this old fucking moron in Colorado had been warned about feeding the local bears. She would put out big sick cans of dog food and those bears would fuck that gross shit up.

Well, the other day her neighbor looked out the window, and apparently the bears decided to upgrade from that cheap shit, and were actually eating that old moron.

I bet that dead bitch's neighbor wet queefed her way directly to the pharmacy to deal with that horrific bullshit. Click here to read the article. Feeding wild animals is really white trash.

Have you ever...

seen such an adorable pig? This actually looks like a 900 lb sow drag queen that owned this really shitty low rent club in the dump of a town I went to college in.

This gross pig is spending some time in the slammer, and he was just caught hiding a gun in his fat rolls. I bet he fucking stinks. That poor gun, I bet it smelled like feta cheese when they peeled it off of him.

I'm going to follow this fat fucks example, and start hiding all my pill bottles in my rolls. I've posted a video of this pig's long lost twin below.

Monday, August 10, 2009

A former friend...

of mine (fucking bitch better watch out) was stumbling home from the club, when he slipped on this weave and chipped a tooth.

There is nothing quite like finding a discarded weave/wig. I always have to lick them to determine their origin. I would love to dip this sick thing in melted butter and whip some of the trashy Republican Christians that have been flipping out over health care reform.

Another slow but dear friend of mine loves using discarded hair pieces when he plays butthole puppets with his drooling slut sister.

Thanks Matt (fucking skank bitch)

I have been...

a really bad pig lately. As some of you know, my debilitating depression has been keeping me indoors. It's so bad that I can barely make it through a hog's delight fast food calorie orgy without crying tears of butter.

However, I do have plenty of strength to still fuck up the casino. It's really the only place I'm "comfortable." When you're surrounded by a sea of fat chain smoking white trash, all gambling with their disability checks, it really helps bring your "life" into focus.

As you can tell by the pics below, these are wonderful "people," most of which go directly from the casino to town hall meetings, to raise hell about the health care reform. Fucking white trash morons.