Thursday, July 30, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This poor thing. He's butt ugly, and dangerously close to being the long lost triplet of the monster from Willow that I'm obsessed with.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the shitty conservative scare tactics used to derail health care reform. Pretty slick move to throw in "Planned Parenthood" and "abortion," that will really get the white trash nervous. God forbid some birth control saving us all the misery of taking care of one more shitty fucking baby.

We can file this under, "you're boring as fuck" and "being on the wrong side of history is adorable." Listen up pigs, it's time to get real, fuck. And what a coincidence that this shitty commercial was paid for by the Family Research Council, the defender of everything "holy" and white trash.



Thanks Jon

A friend of...

mine was on the DC subway (kill me now), he smelled something that was like a combo of rotten tampon and bad dick. He could also hear some grunts followed by this pathetic whining sound. He turns around and is face to face with this sad sow, the long lost twin of Ursula from the Little Mermaid. She was blasting Amy Grant, poor thing needs it, I totally understand.

Sometimes through the tears and melted chocolate, you just have to give it up to the Lord and pray that that tomorrow won't be so shitty.



Thanks Sean

Boot of the month!

It's been a long time since I found a pair of sick boots that really had me barfing on my Braille Book of Mormon. The boots go above and beyond the call of duty. My lady friend just got them, they were on sale and a "great deal" at $500 (she's a hoarder, BAD).

These boots are fucking sick, but I can't stop fantasizing about the crazy moves I could do in them. Like, dancing on a table while stomping on plates of food or breaking a leg and having to drag yourself up the stairs, with those boots dragging on each step. Or, my all time favorite, just doing the splits at the club.

It really kills...

me to get friend request on Facebook from random losers you went to high school with. Well, a friend of a friend of mine just got a request from this totally random pig. The message went something like, "Hey ****, glad that I found you on here. Man, those were the days."

Anyway, being a relatively nice person, the request is accepted. Cut to this pig writing something pretty rude on his wall. The pic below is of the actual pig in question, who clearly suffers from a number of physical and EMOTIONAL problems.

So, here is the question, when somebody writes some rude shit on your wall, should you retaliate and destroy them (my technique), or should you take into consideration the fact that they might be slow?

I've been going...

through a personal "crisis" as of late and it's really been getting in the way of this shitty blog. When you're suffering from a debilitating depression, it's really hard to do anything but eat bucket after bucket of Wendy's chili.

Wendy's chili happens to be one of the best meals to consume if you're considering anal sex. Just follow these simple instructions:

1. Get on Craigslist and find a random sick fuck and arrange a "date."
2. Eat 6 containers of Wendy's chili for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
3. Makes sure to have to have a fresh set of white sheets on your bed.
4. A picture of Jesus Christ or of your grandmother on the night stand is optional.
5. Enjoy the night and please let me know how it goes.

For Macy

Friday, July 24, 2009

One of my...

favorite "Christians" is about to spend some time in the slammer for fucking some 3rd graders. I'm talking about Tony Alamo, a "famous" white trash preacher from the South. He's on the "Just Die" list, and an honorary Pig for Jesus.

Mr. Alamo runs an adorable cult in Texarkana, Arkansas. You'd probably be a member if you lived in such a shitty town.

This "pastor" is famous for putting his wife on display after her death. He claimed that Jesus was going to come down in a chariot and wake that dead bitch up. Ha!

Thanks Caleb

As some of...

you know, I'm obsessed with the Duggar family. They'll really do you in with their prairie inspired outfits. It's almost hard to hate them because they're so goddamn nice. But I've always said that any moron can be nice.

They live in a fucked up white trash "compound," that's actually not that far from where I'm from (I'm WT!). It's out in the country and God only knows what kind of fucked up shit these sick fucks are up to. And don't even get me started about Michelle's poor pussy. That thing has to resemble those sick ham chunks at a white trash salad bar. I can't stop thinking about the whole family shitting out in the woods. Their plumbing has to be fucked.

Anyway, a "special" friend of mine actually found their shitty country retreat. She was so excited to be in their "holy" presence, that she started spraying miracle whip down her leg. She had her picture taken in front of their dump after her heavenly orgasm subsided.



Thanks "Natalie"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I've finally found someone that has a head bigger than mine. Oh and nice coif. This sick fuck looks like he's got some emotional problems (I can relate). I bet you he's got ten retards tied up in the basement as I'm typing this shitty blog.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this redneck bitch, her tacky cats and her house packed full of cheap shit. Litter boxes are sick. I bet her "house" fucking stinks.

Let's go through the list of gross shit in this picture:

1) cloth recliner (white trash)
2) numerous pets (white trash)
3) Pentecostal dress (white trash Christian)
4) cigarettes & ashtray in the house (mega white trash)

Thanks Joey

I'd like you...

to meet Sister Paula. "She's" my new hero. As you can tell by "her" voice, Paula was born with a dick. That meat is no more and Paula is now the proud owner of an adorable beaver. As far as I know, Sister Paula is one of the only transgender evangelists.

In her podcasts, she shuts down all the Bible beating morons that drive me crazy. To my delight, a lot of these self-righteous hypocritical "Christian" pigs have been caught balls deep in bitches other than their miserable wives. I find this all very odd because some of these same people are the biggest advocates for "family values" and traditional marriage. Ha!

It's nice to know that all Christians aren't denim draped drooling fucks.



Thanks Pilar

I came across...

this picture the other night, right before I overdosed on Benadryl. It's a bathroom in Denise Richards' house. She's more commonly known as Charlie Sheen's ex cum dumpster.

I never get to spend enough time on Rich White Trash, but when I saw that fucking leopard print toilet, I knew I'd hit the jackpot.

I'm "friends" with this crazy "rich" slut, and her tacky ass house has black toilets with "gold" hardware. Nothing says, "I just won the lottery," like a solid black toilet. Trashy bitch.

Anyway, Denise is a fucking moron and had to get that toilet to balance out her equally white trash husband. Charlie Sheen is a really bad person and an exceptionally shitty actor. His dick has been covered in thousands of pounds of hooker pussy drippinz'. He could wring his underwear out and bottle it.

You really need...

to check out Fridge Watcher. "People" send in pictures of their nasty fucking fridges. You can always tell if someone is white trash by seeing what's in their refrigerator. I had a really disgusting "friend" in college with a morbidly obese mother that puts Mrs. Grape to shame. Anyway, their fridge was overflowing with fried leftovers and jars of mayonnaise. Fucking pigs.

For instance, everything in mine is in perfect order. I have a shelf for Perrier, one for alcohol and one for my diet pills. I can't stand the sight of raw meat, specially when it's dripping. I'm OCD as fuck and obsess about being covered in sick animal juices.

Thanks Elvira

It has come...

to my attention that a family of "witches" live in Salem, MA. Laurie Cabot is the official witch of Salem, by order of the former governor, Michael Dukakis (fucking moron). She's also the mother of two of the trashiest bitches on the planet.

For obvious reasons, I'm obsessed with Jody and Penny Cabot (trashy names). Just look at their goddamn hair. You know that crystal ball has a prominent spot in their fucking trailer.

On the trash spectrum, witches fall somewhere between your average everyday white trash and a mook (an angry redneck that listens to really shitty music). However, I need to make a really trashy confession. During my "childhood" I was obsessed with witches. I've seen The Craft at least twenty times.

Check out the losers in the clip below. Laurie's coif is off the charts and look for the witch mullet at the 1:51 mark.

Have you heard...

of Hard Place? It's a really SHITTY band (indie trash), I mean really really shitty, way worse than DAUGHTRY. However, their videos are pretty amazing. They have nothing on Jan Terri, but plenty trashy for a gross bitch like me.

Check out there video for Pink Champagne, which also happens to be my favorite kind of meth. I'm dead over the acrylic nails at the 1:37 mark. Five inch long acrylics are really the only way to achieve perfect anal hygiene.



Thanks Greg

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If you're anything...

like me (God, I hope you're not), then you've had a really shitty summer. It's probably karma for me being such a fucked up bitch. Earlier today, a random white trash moron asked me how my day was going and I said, "have you seen me, how the fuck do you think my day is going?"

It's so bad that I can barely get out of bed. I need Manuel Uribe to come over and be my new personal trainer. I've been watching his "workout" videos on YouTube all day. I don't know if I should masturbate, barf, or kill myself.

Anyway, I "accidentally" took four times the recommended dose of a certain something (Xanax) that is near and dear to me, I sometimes call it "my precious." I've been on Twitter all day hollering at Cindy McCain, trying to get advice about the perfect pill combo, but that skank will not give me the time of day. Fucking bitch. You never turn your back on a pharmaceutical sister.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I wanted to share a little piece of Robby & Becky's white trash "love" to make up for being such a bad pig lately. I'll try and be better. By the power invested in me by the Cherokee Nation, this shitty blog must live on!

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the gay pride parade in Conway, Arkansas. As you can tell by the pics, no expense was spared. And frankly, that drag queen has seen better days, well, maybe not.

Anyway, we should give it up to these queens for standing up for their rights in such a shitty town. Oh and one question. Is that a bulldyke rocking that short sleeve camo shirt, or a sow queen?


Thanks Nate

Do you like...

to pig the fuck out at IHOP? It's a fucking dump, but I can't count the number of times that I've sowed down there. It "tastes" amazing when you're blacked out.

Anyway, these three bitches pigged out there and then peeled out, without paying their tab. These tacky pigs lost control of their shitty car and then slammed into the "restaurant." Karma is a bitch, specially when you're a fucked up evil pig.



Thanks Caleb

I was forced...

by my mother to accompany her to a really shitty town in the heart of the Ozark Mountains. It was hot as fuck, but I agreed on the chance that I might run into some renegade trash on "vacation."

As you can see from the pic above, I was successful in my endeavors. I was working on my third funnel cake, when I was blinded by rays of glamour. The husband was well over seven feet tall, and you know what that means. No, not that he has a big dick, but that their plumbing is probably fucked up from him taking massive dumps. Fucking sick.

Before you start feeling bad about me making fun of these boring fucks, they were both scratching their crotches in line. His chode must have been fucking rotten and that pig's pussy must have been off the hook.

Are you the...

kind of "person" that "has" to take smoke breaks at work? If so, then you're trashy! Anyway, I spotted these pigs a few weeks ago, taking an adorable smoke break from the cardiologist's office they worked at. Ironic??

The one on the left was a midget and well over 300 lbs. Cute stats to be fucking up some cigs. You can't really tell, but the one on the right had at least a five inch overbite, at first I thought it was Freddie Mercury's long lost white trash twin.

Have you heard...

of the Birthers? They're a total white trash "organization," obsessed with proving that President Obama is not really a US citizen and therefore not qualified to the president.

The clip below shows just how fucked these redneck morons are. Just listen to that bitch's quivering voice, what a dumbass. She would have looked a lot more adorable with a white hood on. According to my "sources," she had a burning cross on standby in her 1986 Ford Taurus.

I think she needs to spend a weekend at Graceland, surrounded by her "people." Dumb bitch needs to relax a little, shit. I've got some pills that would do this pig some good.



Thanks Jon

Monday, July 20, 2009

I was not...

prepared for the kind of white trash that I encountered on my journey to Graceland. Let's start at the beginning. I arrive with my lady friend to an adorable "neighborhood" in Memphis. I was wearing a 12XL bulletproof dress, accompanied by several bodyguards, and I still was little nervous. We are loaded onto this shitty Ford skank wagon with 20 other drooling Elvis loving morons. I couldn't stop obsessing about how many times the cloth seats had been farted on.

Anyway, I was under the impression that Graceland was kind of pimped out, but just really trashy a la 1970s. The tour guide kept referring to "the mansion." I looked around to make sure that she wasn't pointing to another house. That fucking dump could only be considered a mansion by 1960s Soviet standards, and the inside looked like a royal pig fuck. I had my upper lip turned up the whole time.

I'm not trying to be a snob (ha!), but I've been pounded in trailers bigger than Graceland. God, Elvis was a fucking pig. The "museum" was a total dump. Everything on the walls looked like shit and was crooked. I wandered from room to room and was like, "really, are they kidding?"

It's clear that Priscilla Presley (I'm obsessed with her) has been funneling the proceeds to the Priscilla Presley Fucked Up Face Foundation and to the Lisa Marie's A Loser Bitch Foundation, because they haven't spent a dime on that piece of shit. It kind of reminded me of a bunch of trailers that had been welded together.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Trash Update!

I've been such a shit house rat this past week. Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm going to Graceland today, with my camera of course. According to my "sources," there will be a mountain of white trash there.

Elvis was the original white trash superstar. He is the Jesus Christ of Rich White Trash. I'm going to storm the upstairs bathroom that he died in, to do a close inspection of the plumbing, and I'll be sure to piss in the sink (my signature move).

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this piece of shit convertible Geo Metro. I risked life and limb to bring you these shitty pictures.

The other day I was driving through my shitty town, miserable as fuck, when I came across this goddamn car. In the beginning I was horrified at what an overall piece of shit it was. But as I got closer, I noticed that the two "people" talking to the driver, looked like the fucking Duggars.

Anyway, this white trash moron was parked in the middle of the goddamn road, just chit chatting it up with these moron Christian fucks. I circled them three times in an attempt to get some pics.

Well, apparently my windows aren't tinted enough, because I really pissed this redneck off. He followed me for several miles. At a stoplight, he pulled up next to me honking, demanding that I role my window down. First of all, I'm sure! I kind of felt bad, because his kid was in the car, but they both had mullets, so fuck them.

He chased me for a while, which had me howling. I was in a massive SUV and he was doing circles around me in that piece of fucking shit. Finally, I swerved in front of him and he went off the road. I peeled out with the sight of that Geo doing several flips in my rear view mirror. What a great day.



Thanks Beau & Austin

Have you been...

to Cape May, New Jersey? A fan of Trash Heaven was recently there and was startled to discover that it rivaled the South in terms of fat white trash. Everywhere he turned, there were sows pigging the fuck out.

According to my "sources," the lines to the public restrooms were several blocks long, with sounds of grunting and crying coming from under the stalls. Apparently there were just pigs all over the place, tits covered in funnel cakes and fat kids with melted cheese in their hair.



Anytime I hear New Jersey, I descend into Guido hell and start to dry heave. I used to live in Philadelphia (adorable war zone/what a dump) where I would come into contact with New Jersey's finest. I don't know what's worse, East Coast trash or rednecks from the South?

Thanks Paul

A dear friend...

of mine grew up on a chicken farm and was forced to do unspeakable acts. His favorite games growing up where butthole puppets and hidey hole (he would hide household items in his ass and make granny guess the object). According to my "sources," his whoredog sister has been forced to abort multiple farm animals, as recently as last Christmas.

Anyway, this clip of the chicken whisperer reminded me of him for obvious reasons. I also wanted to wish him good luck at his new job on Monday. I'm sure he can teach all his new coworkers the art of chicken imitation.



For Reba

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I'm about to...

flip the fuck out! Looney Tunes are so white trash and acrylic nails are fucking sick. I've just made an appointment to get Tweety Bird acrylic toenails for my high school reunion.



For Macy

A very special...

fan of Trash Heaven was at Wal-Mart (I can't take it anymore) buying some Summer's Eve (got to keep that "salad" fresh!) for the beach, when he saw an advertisement for this goddamn Tweety Bird pendant! Looney Tunes are white trash!

The Danbury Mint is slinging this cheap fucking bullshit for over a hundred dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? I can just imagine a massive white trash sow drooling over this cheap shit. Check out the description below (goddamn Swarovski crystals...WT!).

The Tweety Pendant is all hand set with 115 individual Swarovski® crystals for a truly dramatic effect! All that sparkle is set off beautifully by TWEETY's 18kt gold-plated adorable beak and feet. A rhodium-plated 16" chain with a 2" extender and a satin-lined presentation box are included at no additional charge.

_______________________________

Thanks Joey (My dear Wendy's Dollar Chili-Eating Queen)

There is a...


massive redneck in South Carolina (big fucking shocker). He's got an adorable "store" to meet all your white trash needs. It's called The Original Redneck Shop. They carry a wide range of white linens, wooden planks, and lighter fluid. John Howard is the owner and it's his "mission" to make your white trash racist fantasies come true.

What a slow fucked up redneck pig. You can tell that Mr. Howard has spent a "fortune" putting his website together. It's almost as shitty as my blog. His personal message to his legion of white trash followers is below:

"King OBAMA and his friends are setting up for the reign of their king. You are being suckered America. This is no joke. Rep. Jose Serrano, D-N.Y., introduced legislation in the House to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits presidents to two consecutive terms or 10 years in office. Serrano’s justification for the bill is that, until 1951, nothing prevented a president from serving more than two terms. Additionally, a grass-roots movement is under way to make Obama's third term possible. A Web site, End22.com, is dedicated to abolishing the 22nd Amendment and is asking supporters for donations to make it happen."

Thanks Frank

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This 80s slut is adorable, her goddamn cigarette is killing me. Nothing is trashier than smoking in a picture.

And what about her goddamn hair! It's like a permed mullet with a rattail hanging in the back. She's my hero.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shitty car. I am beyond obsessed with such blatant displays of "faith," which surely is supposed to be PRIVATE, you fucking "Christian" moron. I'm so fucking annoyed, I don't think I'll be able to touch my third lunch.

If I'd seen this piece of shit, I would have waited around to see this simple fuck peel out.

Thanks Sean