Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I got an...

email the other day from a fan of Trash Heaven. He told me about a really fucked up encounter that happened at the international headquarters of all things white trash, commonly refereed to as Wal-Mart. The story follows:

So we're crossing the parking lot of the south Las Vegas Wal-Mart (where else? Double whammy there) when a piece of shit Chevy Blazer with oxidized paint and 22" Dubs rolls up alongside. Window rolls down. Two pigs riding shotgun.

Driver: "Excuse me, we're really sorry to bother you .... My sister just had a late-term abortion and we need some gas money to get back to California ...."

Me: "I have no cash." (True)

Driver: "Well, thanks anyway, GOD BLESS YOU!!!" (peels out)


I'm totally obsessed with Wal-Mart. I'm going to create a new section on Trash Heaven that's totally devoted to the wonders of WMWT (Wal-Mart White Trash). If you're like me, which means you're really depressed and bored all the fucking time, then you need to go spend some time at your local Wal-Mart. I promise with all the love of Jesus that it will brighten your shitty day.

Thanks ExHack

Monday, June 29, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is an adorable white trash mother/daughter combo. The poor girl is already butt ugly and if all daughters turn into their mothers, then this pig is really fucked.

Today's blog is...

brought to you Jason Jackson, Australia's most famous Michael Jackson impersonator. I can only imagine how upset "he" is over the recent events that took sweet MJ back to our heavenly father. What a fucking loser.

This has to be one of the sickest examples of parental enabling that I've ever seen. If your kids try to pull nasty shit like this off, you have to beat the fuck out of them, encouraging "behavior" like this is a really bad idea. However, I would die to see this stupid queen "perform" at a party.

Thanks Frank

Do you like...

to pig out at Wendys? It's fucking sick, but I've torn that dump up more times than I can count. Their sick vats of chili (my lube of choice) make me extremely suicidal. Anyway, a really disgusting friend of mine was having his third lunch there the other day, and just couldn't believe all the crazy white trash that he encountered.

As you can tell by the pictures, America's addiction to fast food is alive and well. These "people" could all qualify for their own zip codes. That bitch's "arm" is off the hook. You could easily feed an entire reservation in Oklahoma with that thing.

Thanks Matt

Have you heard...

of Tony Perkins? He's the president of the Family Research Council. The FRC is a really shitty organization that uses the Old Testament to sling hate and deny equal rights to all Americans. It's proudly been representing white trash since 1981.

Anyway, this redneck Christian trash released a statement today in regarding the president's decision to extend some benefits to "the gays" that work for the government. Mr. Perkins claims what the move towards equal rights is "illegal."

What a fucking moron! First of all, he went to Liberty University. Tony Perkins is Oklahoma white trash, with a shitty education. Mr. Perkins has just won an all expense paid trip to the top of the "Just Die" list.

I was at...

the grocery store over the weekend buying Crisco and cucumbers, when I came across this massive sow. These days, you're more likely to run into a pig than Karen Carpenter's twin. So, only those pigs that are truly special will get my attention.

Well, the gross bitch above, met and exceeded my set of "standards." Let's discuss. First of all, I'm having "MONEY" put on all my man dresses. This slut was rocking some really hot acrylics that just screamed "I'M RICH." More importantly, do you see what's in her fucking cart? Pounds and pounds of meat. What a pig! I bet her plumbing is fucked.

In the media...

orgy following the death of Michael Jackson, there hasn't been enough attention paid to his ultra fucked siblings. What about LaToya Jackson? I've been obsessed with her forever. She's been a train wreck for decades. I can remember watching her Playboy video in elementary school and barfing on a Braille Bible.

Hopefully this "tragic" event will put LaToya back in the spotlight, what a trashy slut. Maybe she can carry on MJ's "legacy" of consuming elementary school ass juice.

A friend of...

was seeing the Hanna Montana movie for the 10th time (he's a massive queen), when he came across these monsters fucking up the snack stand.

My friend is famous for pigging the fuck out. I'm talking like ten trips a day to various fast food dumps, followed by a silent sow down in the car, with some Wilson Phillips playing in the background, and a bib to catch his tears. Fucking sad bitch.

Anyway, I'm totally dead over this pig's adorable polo "shirt." I might need to look into this, because somebody broke into my car a while back and jacked several of my 12XL polos. That shit looks more like a dress than a goddamn shirt. It's hot as fuck outside, why even wear pants? This sow should have just thrown on a belt and some ankle boots. There's nothing like a soft breeze on an exposed asshole.

Thanks Panda

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I was at...

Wal-Mart today, it seems that I'm there almost every goddamn day. I'm white trash. Anyway, I ran across this stunning "lady" dripping in glamour. At first I thought maybe it was Joan Collins.

I was mesmerized by this bitch's denim skirt. I really wanted to see what treasures lay hidden beneath. Can you imagine?

This time of...

year can be particularly hard on a pig. The goddamn heat! It becomes almost impossible to conceal your frontbutt when it's almost 100 fucking degrees outside. As soon as it gets really hot, you'll see a convoy of Ford Taurus driving pigs, peeling out in the direction of the nearest polluted river/lake.

Anyway, the gross bitch above is what we'd call a Summer Sow. One of my favorite breeds. She looked exactly like a hard boiled egg and I'm pretty sure I could see her tampon string hanging out from her shorts. She and her pregnant pig daughter were talking about Half Ton Teen (my fav show), and said, "I just don't know how they let theirselves get so big."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I'm not sure...

how, but I was convinced to go canoeing last weekend. I'm not sure what's worse, all the river trash, or that I had fun. Well, we pulled up to this dump in the middle of nowhere to rent the canoes. We were met by this adorable family. Really cute rough trade.

They were all disgusting, but I totally flipped the fuck out when I noticed that this redneck bitch had a dream catcher tattoo. I died and went to Trash Heaven.

The river ended up being really beautiful, but every once in a while, we'd run across some renegade white trash. I was like, "paddle for your life bitches, these country fucks don't play around."

This one gross Nascar loving, pig fucking redneck told my friend, "you sure got a pretty mouth." I was dead! At that point, I popped a diet pill and didn't stop paddling for hours.

If you're from...

my shitty hometown, then you've seen the "Rose Lady." This massive pig shows up at all the shitty bars/clubs when everyone is wasted, to sling a bunch of low rent roses. I know this pig dumpster dives at local florists.

As you can tell by the picture, the Rose Lady is about a 9XL petite. If you see a rusty Ford Taurus pull up with Reba McEntire blaring, just fucking run.

"She's" also one haircut away from a mullet. If she only had a mullet, I'd let her dip it in butter, and then drag it all over me.

Thanks Panda

I've been a...

really bad person lately. Actually, I'm always a really bad person. It's just my new "job" is killing me. And with all the pills I'm on, it's hard to get up in the morning.

Well, I've got a new reason to live now, thanks to Baconnaise. This is a bacon flavored mayonnaise spread. I'm not going to lie, I'll fuck up a bucket of bacon, then rub my face in all the grease, followed by a stream of mascara tears.

However, mayonnaise is fucking sick. It's really bad! It always makes me think of a jar of poodle jizz. BLEH! I went ahead and ordered a case of this nasty shit. We'll see how it goes. I can always use it as lube.

Thanks Mandy

Friday, June 19, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

These "people" are really killing me. I would die to braid their mullets together, and then watch them fuck!

Today's blog is...

brought to you by PETA. What a ridiculous organization. Their "cause" is just so near and dear to my heart. They've recently come out against President Obama, for the brutal murder of a fly at the White House. They said, "We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals."

Are you fucking kidding? Flies are sick, they shit out eggs that turn into genital maggots. People are starving, thirsty as fuck, and can't read and this is what PETA is spending money on? You've got to be kidding.

I don't even...

know where to start...fuck me! Well, I had to sound this personalized license plate out for about a minute before I figured out WTF it said. And then it came to me, "RAINBOW." I had to sound it out like that scene from The Miracle Worker where that bitch sprays Helen Keller with water.

Rainbow paraphernalia is so fucking tacky! As you can see, this renegade queen didn't stop with that shitty license plate. He's also got an adorable rainbow lightning bolt (the international symbol for white trash) and a rainbow jizz mark.

This is just too much, and all on a fucking Prius. I'm going to leave my massive SUV running while I'm at dinner tonight, to counteract the flames being sprayed by this hybrid. This violation of privacy has me reeling!

As some of...

you know, public displays of "faith" are so tacky, and drive me absolutely fucking crazy. Your "relationship" with "God" is private! Wake the fuck up, then shut the fuck up.

Anyway, I was behind this pig in traffic the other day. She had not one fish, but six. I've always said that six Christs are better than one. I hope the heavens open up and cover this dumb bitch in Jesus juice.

A friend of...

mine was waiting on a flight, when he looked over and saw this goofy praying mantis look-alike, tearing up a corn dog. Airports make me extremely suicidal, but nothing annoys me more than a random moron, just pigging the fuck out in such a public way. Don't you have a mother!?!

This country queen wasn't just eating that goddamn corn dog, he was mouth fucking it. According to my "sources," he was rubbing a chunk of hot dog all over his chapped lips!

I just had...

had another amazing experience doing a little shopping at Wal-Mart, home of everyday low prices and mega white trash. Well, a "secret shopper" stalked me while I was loading my cart up with gallon after gallon of ice cream.

This shit really annoyed me, like they needed to worry about me shoplifting. What about the goddamn family next to me, each member weighing well over 500 lbs, and sporting an array of mullets? I'd just gotten my nails done for fucks sake.

Anyway, I really turned the tables on this goddamn pig. I started to follow her everywhere she went. You can't stalk a stalker...bitch. I'm not even going to discuss her shiteous outfit or her shovel butt.

I've been to...

the casino two times in the past week. I'm a really bad person. I just had that feeling that I was going to "win big" and then use the money to pay for my hormones. Anyway, I didn't win a fucking thing. I'm gonna put this down on my taxes as a "donation" to the "tribe."

In my state of broke misery, all the casino trash helped to sustain what's left of me. My friend risked life and limb to get these pictures. It was like sneaking into North Korea. The Cherokee security guards almost confiscated his phone as we peeled out, I had to throw some buffalo jerky and a few dream catchers in the parking lot to distract them. Oklahoma is fucking sick!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I have a...

feeling that Shia LeBouf had an even more fucked up childhood than my own. As you can tell by the photo above, his mother drips class and elegance. She looks like a fucking wookiee. I've been obsessed with this gross bitch, since the paparazzi caught her peeling out in a 1988 Ford Taurus station wagon.

Anyway, in a recent interview, he admitted to watching his parents fuck as a child. When I saw this, my mouth started to water and I almost barfed. First of all, the thought of his pig mom getting pounded is just too much for my delicate brain. And secondly, it reminded me of a time when I walked in on my own parents, something that I continue to be haunted with, and that contributes to my current "condition."

As some of...

you know, I'm obsessed with all the white trash treasures to be found at Wal-Mart. It's like the cornucopia, but instead of overflowing with food, it's a tsunami of white trash.

Anyway, a fan of Trash Heaven has been reeling since his last visit to the holy shrine to all rednecks. The pics below are clear proof of the kind of fucked up shit that this dump is slinging.

First of all, who the fuck would buy Nascar glasses? I guess maybe Nascar loving trash. And that poster of Jesus is fucking adorable. It would look fabulous in any room of your trailer, and promises a daily dose of shame and guilt or your money back.

Thanks Shaun

Have you ever...

been to Club Bounce in Phoenix, AZ? It's held once a week at Club Phoenix, a dyke bar. Anyway, Club Bounce caters exclusively to the all pigs in the Phoenix area.

I don't know about you, but I've already booked my flight. I would die to see these sows fucking the club up. According to my "sources," the club keeps many items in stock to keep all its pigs happy; this includes a range of mayonnaise based cocktails, corn dogs, cotton candy, and the bathroom is outfitted with a number of comfort wipes, to tend to those hard to reach places.

Nothing says "fuck me in the back of your Pontiac" like a cosmo with mayo garnish around the rim. The bartenders are all certified EMTs, just in case something unfortunate happens. And in case of a heart atttack, there are defibrillators located under every table.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

Nothing kills me more than some hot white trash love. Hopefully she keeps those white Reeboks on while she's getting pounded. The photographer should have just knocked them in the goddamn river.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Ariel Wade. I know this bitch is all over the internet, but I'm totally obsessed. Is this real? And is that really a woman? I have a feeling there is a lot more to this story than we know. I was dead when she twirled at neck at the 0:27 mark!

This has to be some fucked up renegade queen. This reminds of a drag queen a "friend" of mine used to do meth with back in the day. "Her" voice is off the hook. I'm gonna need to see a Polaroid of her vagina to confirm gender...a used tampon would even do.

Thanks Mikey

Do you know...

anyone that owns a poodle? If so, will you try to run them both over at your earliest convenience. I've decided that poodle fanatics are a distinct breed of white trash.

I have been barfing over these sick fucks since the time I saw two of them fucking at the park. The male poodle must have had a 12 inch dick, and it was bright red and dripping. I'm permanently fucked!