Friday, May 29, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This pig is adorable. Braces and a mullet, fucking kill me now! I bet receiving oral sex from this sow is like a biblical experience.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shitty car and Mattyfantastic.

Have you heard...

of Mary Roach? First of all, the last name ROACH makes me extremely suicidal. Anyway, please watch the clip below. The part with the pig is obviously my favorite (11:23 mark).



Thanks Sean

I am one...

tired bitch. I just did some white trash trans Atlantic traveling and it wore my ass out. My only consolation was all the airport trash.

The "lady" above had a meltdown with her family about getting a snack. I'm clueless as to why they would deny such a request.

I was just...

ranting about breast feeding and how goddamn rotten it is, and then I came across this article. It reminded me of this gross bitch I used to do meth...I mean hangout with, she smoked and drank throughout her pregnancy and her kid is just "fine."

I just ordered...

a pair of these beef jerky coochie cutters in 9XL. Apparently, the juices from the dried meat mix with your own pheromones, resulting in a huge boost in sex appeal. Just what I need, fucking sick.

I like to start each day with a warm cup of beaver/ball juice. It's great for your skin and makes your hair shine.



Thanks Frank

If you know...

anyone that has the extreme misfortune of being pregnant, please insist that they have an emergency abortion or participate in a bare belly photo shoot, the more stretch marks the better.

When I see a picture like this, several things come to my mind; how revolting the thought of sex is on a personal basis, and then I think about buckets of jizz flying through the air.

However, seeing a pregnant "lady" does give me the opportunity to use one of my favorite lines, "excuse me miss, who came in you?"

It kind of reminds me of one of my favorite shows, Nighty Night. Skip to the 1:38 mark.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

As some of you know, Nick Tarlton is one half of the amazing Country Queens. I'm obsessed with them and can't wait for the day that we finally meet. Click here to watch his fucked up videos on YouTube.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this redneck's shitty fucking hair. I'm telling you, casinos are like fucking zoos, but filled with white trash instead of animals. I can't wait to fuck the slots up in a few weeks. "You've got to play to win."

It has been...


brought to my attention that the World Beard Championship is held yearly in Alaska (what a fucking dump). We can file this under, "YOU'RE A BORED MORON."

Anyway, this years winner was David Traver of Anchorage. His fucking beard is braided, cute technique. A beard is only good for one thing, saving beaver/ass juice from an all night fuck fest.

Thanks Frank

I've been obsessed...

with drag queens forever. I think it has something to do with ball sweat dripping down pantyhose. Remind me to tell you about the time one kicked my ass at a party. Anyway, the video below is from Scandals, courtesy of the Nick Tarlton, one of the Country Queens.

You've got to watch this pig fucking up the floor. It is crucial to see this bitch do the splits at the 3:50 mark.



Thanks Nick

As some of...

you know, nothing kills me more than a really shitty car. Well, I had the pleasure of stumbling upon a fucking Dodge minivan the other day. It was adorable. I can only imagine how many times the cloth seats have been farted on. I would love to rip them out and make a nice broth.

Seconds after seeing that goddamn van, I walked past a piece of shit stretch 1987 Mercedes limo. It was a diplomat's car. How goddamn embarrassing rolling up in that piece of shit. The fucking turn signal was busted. Cute Soviet limo.

I went on...

a tour of some castles over the weekend. I was trapped on one of those goddamn buses for hours, my absolute worst nightmare. Luckily, my lady friend brought a bottle of champagne that already had Xanax dissolved in it, so I was able to survive.

Anyway, there were these two pigs on the bus and they were killing me! They were all over each other. I've never seen such a display of fat love. I'm fucking ill. The husband was caressing her massive fat roll, it was just so goddamn tender. Enjoy the pics below. Check out this pig's arm, it was twice the size of my leg!


TRASH IS BACK!

I'm back you goddamn pigs. It's just like fucking EASTER. I've just returned from a "mission trip" to Germany, what a fucking dump. It's almost like the whole place was destroyed or something. The Ritz was even a piece of shit. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Anyway, I've been wasted for two weeks straight, an endless conveyor belt of champagne and hog's delight. I'm a a fucking pig. I've even put Kirstie Alley to shame, that goddamn pig.

Friday, May 22, 2009

As some of...

you know, I've been on a grueling "mission trip" in Germany for the past few days. I just had to break away from Jesus for a few minutes to share some trash with you. Oh and I'm fucking annoyed because the 5 star hot...I mean hostel I'm staying won't let me upload any goddamn pictures to my blog. What a fucking dump. Anyway, here are some of my recent highlights:

1. I fed Xanax to some pigeons, which caused me to experience pure joy.
2. I'm surrounded by Euro Trash mullets like you've never seen (pics to come).
3. I "accidentally" barfed on a row of bikes, and by some miracle the barf only landed on the seat of each bike.
4. I got my hands are some fucking rotten sausage and now have explosive diarrhea.

Anyway, I've got to get back to spreading the word of the LDS. I hope to be back soon with a more acceptable amount of trash, and if not, I'll see you fucks in heaven.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Trash Update!

I'm so sorry my sweet morons. I've been totally wasted for the past few days, bad! Anyway, for the next week I'll be on another one of my "mission trips." I'm going to do my best to deliver all the trash I can.

I'll see you all in heaven,

Terri S.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Some of the...

white trash politicians in Texas are still talking about this secession bullshit. I feel like they're just teasing me. I hope and pray that Chuck Norris is still serious about becoming the first emperor of the Christan Republic of Texas. None of these morons ever watch the news or read, so I assume they're being fed this white trash wet dream from their disgusting redneck pastors.

According to my "sources," several new slogans are being considered, "Texas: More retards locked in basements than any other state" and "Texas: Can you smell that Meth?" I'm partial to the first one due to my love of all basement torture scenarios, but there's nothing like anonymous meth sex.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A friend of...

mine spotted these sad pigs tearing up one of those tacky DVD machines at Wal-Mart, proof that misery loves company. According to my "sources," my friend ended up fucking them both in the back of a Ford Escort.



Thanks Frank

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

What's better; the cigarette, the fringe jacket, or that adorable camel toe?

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Georgia Browne. For medical reasons, she breast feeds her dad, he's in his 60s. Breast feeding is fucking sick. I always die when I see that shit in public. Cute tits and gross baby. And if they're really butt ugly, I always think, "who came in you?"

I've been on hormones for months, so I can breast feed my sick Chihuahua. I've also placed an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone needs a tranny wet nurse.

I was going to include a breast feeding video but they all made me gag. This is the best I could do.



Thanks Frank

Do you like...

to go muddin'? If so, you're certified white trash. During my exile in Texas, I had massive SUV with a grill guard. I'd get drunk and drive through flowerbeds and over trashcans. The town was such a fucking dump, that destroying shit was my only escape. I should have sent myself an email that said, "get a life, pig."

If you like this redneck shit, then you really need to check out Got Mudd. At first I thought it was a gay bar, turns out it's a site dedicated to mud loving rednecks.



Thanks Caleb

Have you heard...

of the Road Kill Cook-Off? It's a white trash festival in Marlinton, West Virginia. A bunch of rednecks get together and cook up some really cute shit, like possum stew, fried deer balls and Groundhog gravy. I have a feeling that Groundhog gravy would double as a fantastic lube.

Balls are fucking sick. When I was a kid, my dad tricked me into trying "Rocky Mountain Oysters." I was such a moron that I actually thought they were really large friend oysters, come to find out, that they were fried fucking buffalo balls.



Thanks Sean

Do you know...

any pigs that are really suffering in the wardrobe department? I suggest heading to the BBW Boutique. The flowing ensemble above helps to minimize the layers of cascading fat.

Their "Cruise" collection is amazing. As you all know, there is nothing as trashy as a goddamn cruise. The idea of being on a shitty boat with thousands of morons, makes me absolutely suicidal. Just think of all the goddamn buffets and all the rednecks blowing the toilets up. Do cruise ships store their shit? Or do they just spray it out in the ocean?

This is the perfect opportunity to bring back some of my favorite pigs, Secret Trois. And as some of you know, their "secret" is that the one in the blue, the "big" girl, ate her entire family during a feeding rampage after her boyfriend broke up with her.



Thanks Mikey

Do you have...

a lot of piercings? If the answer is "yes," then you're probably a trashy moron. It's a really great look for a job interview. We can file this under, "don't you have a mother?"

My ex best "friend" from high school (burn in hell you fat redneck bitch), had this disgusting white trash nymphomaniac sister. Well, this slut got her goddamn clit pierced. First of all, how fucking intimate. I would die!

Well, one day I was talking her to the liquor store and she was like, "wanna see?" She proceeded to unbutton her pants in traffic to reveal her "lady parts" to me. What crawled out of her pants look like a possum that had just been run over.



Thanks L'Tain

I'm not sure...

if there is anything as disgusting as a fucking wig. I've been obsessed with these goddamn things since my first drag performance at the age of 4.

Apparently wigs can harbor a ton of bacteria. Gag me on a wet pink poodle dick covered in ticks! I always knew wigs were fucking gross, but I didn't know they were a potential health hazard.

I can't imagine why anyone would spend money on this shit. My friend "Reba" uses his dishwasher on all his wigs and they come out just fine.



Thanks Sean

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This poor thing looks just like this poodle I always see at the park. Its boner is always hanging out. Anyway, I hope she's a Christian, because with hair like this, bitch needs some "spirtual" comfort. It's almost as bad as Kate Gosselin's hair, almost.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by John & Kate Plus 8. I'm so tired of hearing about these stupid fuckers. Their show sucks / I watch it all the time. But enough is enough. Every goddamn tabloid in the country is covering their shitty "love" life. Who gives a fuck!

Have you ever watched their show? It's kind of sweet and then the mom flips out and turns into a total bitch. To be clear though, I fucking hate kids. If they were mine, they'd all be chained up in the goddamn basement.

My main point of contention in this whole fuck fest is about Kate's shitty hair? Who the fuck keeps lying to this bitch about her coif? The back spike is fucking sick. This tecnique is typically only employed by a certain type of slut. It's not fair for her children to see her rat that shit up in the back, and think it's ok.

According to my "sources," the name of the shows is going to be changed to ...John & Kate Plus The Crabs We Gave Each Other.

Terri's Tips - Tracy's Tampons

UPDATE: For those of you that have been following Trash Heaven for a long time, you'll remember that Terri's Tips had always published on Mattyfantastic's blog. Well, he's been missing for months and has just been located at acasino in West Virginia. Apparently, he spends his days fucked on pain pills, playing the slots, crying, listening to Tori Amos, and pigging the fuck out at a 24/7 buffet. It can happen in the best of homes, so I'd like to ask you to "pray" for him during this difficult time.

Sincerely,

Terri S.

_________________________________________________

I had just snorted some diet pills when I received a call from a friend. He told me a story that had me reaching for a trashcan and some lube. This is going to be pretty grizzly, viewer discretion is not advised.

Anyway, my friend has an ultra white trash roommate, you know, the kind that actually thinks Will Ferrell is funny and that Charlie Sheen is a pretty good actor. It’s that bad, a total moron.

Apparently, his roommate’s girlfriend is butt ugly. To protect her anonymity, we’ll call her Tracy. From what I’ve heard it’s pretty bad, a face that only a bus full of blind kids could love. You get the picture, basically a Jerry’s Kid.

Well, my friend's significant other was in the bathroom ratting his bangs for the club, when he looked over and saw a swollen tampon, pulsating on the goddamn toilet seat. I mean the tampon was huge, the kind that would barely fit Michelle Duggar’s grenade wound that some medical professionals used to refer to as a vagina.

This incident caused major drama between the roommates. In the end, the truth came out; apparently Tracy had been having a ton of blacked out sex, totally unaware that a tampon was sizzling inside of her. The tampon had basically being doing a slow roast in her body for weeks. Well, one night while taking a massive dump after a romantic dinner at Applebee’s, the tampon finally barfed itself out.

Fast forward two weeks, and the plumbing is totally fucked. A plumber came to unclog the toilet and what he found was like something out of Revelation. Apparently, Tracy’s tampons were all clotted together, like a ball of slugs. Not to mention that the smell made everyone projectile vomit. The specimen is currently being studied at the Mayo Clinic.

Anyway, it turned out that poor Tracy has some serious gynecological problems. She’s dyslexic, so she naturally assumed that you were supposed to wipe from back to front.

The lesson to be learned is that tampon’s are just fucking sick. I’ve been obsessed with them since I saw one floating in the pool in 1st grade. I’m going to hit the drawing board to see if I can come up with something that can be recycled. Kind of like a colostomy bag, but for your vagina. When in doubt, you could always use my favorite Native American technique. This involves some fishing line and a raccoon’s tail and is dishwasher safe, more commonly known as the Choctaw Tampon.

You know you're...

trashy when Shanna Moakler shuts you down. Moakler (that names kills me) is more more commonly known as Travis Barker's former cum dumpster.

Well, today this slut resigned from the board of the Miss California pageant to protest Donald Trump's decision. All of the drama surrounding this is killing me. Pageants are fucking sick. All those sad fucked up bitches barfing up everything they've ever eaten and then hitting the runway with the "everything's fine" smile.

I'll tak it though, anything to take our attention away from the John and Kate Plus 8 scandal, which is about as enthralling as a fashion show at a polygamist ranch.

Are you one...



of the sows that likes to pig the fuck out at these dumps? Who am I kidding? I've pigged out at all of these dumps more times than I can count. I'm gross. Chili's is fucking sick. A friend of mine was pigging out there not that long ago, and found an acrylic nail in her salsa.

When I hear...

somebody say, "Satan was tempting me, but the Lord showed me the light," generally I'd put you in my "Retarded 4 Life" file which is right next to "You're a Shitty/Boring Christian" file.

Dumb bitch extraordinaire, Carrie Prejean made this claim while speaking with James Dobson, a high ranking member of the "Just Die" list. The shear audacity of such a claim! Give me a fucking break! Satan whispers in her ear at the :50 mark. I'm so fucking sure.

I'm pretty sure Satan was "whispering" in my ear that last time I was pigging the fuck out at a buffet. He said, "go for it, pig."

Have you heard...



of MEN WHO LOOK LIKE OLD LESBIANS? It's a blog and it's fucking hilarious, I'm howling! That's the great thing about blogging, it gives you the "opportunity" to share your sick obsession with the rest of the world. As Oprah would say, "FOLLOW YOUR JOY." What a crock of shit.

Click here to check it out. I highly recommend it.





Thanks Elvira

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Breaking "News!"

This shit is not news, and I'm so fucking over it, but Miss California gets to keep her goddamn title. Who gives a fucking shit? That dumb redneck bitch will never go away now!

If anything, all of this attention has made her the precum for a million broke "conservative" morons. Just google her name and you'll see shit like, "...she's a patriot and a warrior for Jesus Christ." To which you can only respond, "fuck off, you're dumb white trash."

The lessons to be learned from all of this:

1. Pageants are fucking trashy.
2. Carrie Prejean is a fucking moron.
3. Donald Trump would drink Kentucky Fried donkey jizz for publicity.
4. JonBenet is not amused!



Monday, May 11, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

You can tell that this old slut doesn't fuck around. Her "bedroom eyes" are killing me.