Thursday, April 30, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is one of my favorite 80s sluts. This picture is old, if only we could see what she looks like in her present glory. I bet she fucks the slot machines up, chain smoking and farting in the same chair for hours on end.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by chicken in a can. This shit is actually real. It takes a lot to gross me the fuck out and this definitely did it. First of all, it looks like it's being birthed from that goddamn can.

Can you see all that gel? You could use that shit as lube.

Thanks Frank

For as long...

as I can remember, I've been obsessed with really shitty cars. The sight of a total piece of shit peeling out, spraying black smoke everywhere, will always put a smile on my face.

Well, a friend of mine likes to torture me with some of his most fabulous automotive finds on eBay. This amazing 1994 Pontiac Bonneville can be yours for $2,500. It only has 140,000 miles on it. I bet it runs great. Can you imagine getting picked up in this piece of shit for a date? More importantly, can you imagine getting fucked in it? I bet the odor of a 15 year old Pontiac is a natural aphrodisiac.

Thanks Nate

I go back...

and forth between who kills me more, Kirstie Alley or Carnie Wilson. Well, after seeing the clip below of that pig on Oprah, cute pig on pig action, I've come to a decision. By the power invested in me by the Cherokee Nation, I pronounce Kirstie Alley even more disgusting than Carnie Wilson.

That bitch had the audacity to announce that she's coming out with a new diet plan. Are you fucking kidding? That's like Michael Jackson opening a day care for 7th grade boys.

I used to be obsessed with that pig, and then she gave $5 mil to the "Church" of Scientology. Give me a fucking break. I'm sure that shit bounced, what a goddamn pig and what a shitty cult.

As some of...

you might have guessed, I was a really fucked up kid. I can't get into the details for legal reasons, just trust me. Anyway, one of my friends that might be even more fucked up than me, sent me this sick video today.

The clip below is fucking sick and reminded me of some really sick shit I did when I was 14. I went to a gas station and bought a box of maxi pads. I loaded them up with ketchup and relish (I was going for a yeast infection), and stuck them to cars in the parking lot of this white trash strip mall in my hometown (Fiesta Square).

Anyway, somebody ended up calling the cops and I basically played retarded, which wasn't that hard of a sell. Remind me to tell you about the time I stuck a bunch of pads to the fold down tray tables on an airplane.

Thanks Frank

I've always used...

the line, "Don't fuck with a Queen." Generally, I'm talking about a fierce ladyboy with some serious attitude, lisp and questionable background possibly involving a trailer.

In the clip below, some renegade Dutch trash tried to slam his shitty hatchback into an open top bus carrying Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. First of all, hatchbacks are butt ugly. Secondly, what the fuck is that bitch doing free balling it when there are so many shit-house-rats out there?

I'm blaming the whole incident on that shitty car. God only knows what I would do if I was peeling out in that shitty thing.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I really don't have anything nasty to say about this pic. Lately, several friends have called me out on being such a fucking bitch, so I'm really "trying" to be a better "person." Plus, this looks like a really sweet lesbian couple and I wish them all the "happiness" in the world along with an endless supply of tuna tacos.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Texts From Last Night. It's a site where you can submit all your trashy texts, that we all love to send when we're blacked out. A certain friend of mine, we'll call him Reba, anyway, he's famous for sending out the most retarded texts at 3am, like, "It was so nice seeing you at the club tonight, I wouldn't mind having you up in me sometime." or "I saw that bulge in your pants, I sure wouldn't mind hoppin' on that bologna pony."

I myself have never sent out such a text, as I'm not really a "drinker." However, the entry below is definitely something that's happened to me before:

"(843): so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger"

Thanks Frank

White Trash Pig of the day!

Rep. Virginia Foxx is today's "Bitch Pig of the Day." Some of David Koresh's former followers will be accepting the award on her behalf.

Check out the clip below. I'm so irate, that I had to take a bar of Xanax and order multiple pizzas. Click here if you'd like to let this dumb skank know how you feel.

Thanks Jon

I spend hours...

and hours on YouTube looking at random fucked up shit. My "life" is adorable. Anyway, I stumbled on some crazy shit today and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Check out this sick fucks page. He/she has a really fucked up shoe fetish. Do people masturbate to this? I have a friend that jerks off to Miracle Whip commercials.

Anyway, imagine your parents walking in on you beating off to a shoe fetish video. It might makes things awkward during the holidays.

Boot of the week!

I am fucking dead over these boots! Can you imagine wearing these while getting pounded? Imagine stumbling upon a Pontiac or a 1987 Ford Taurus with somebody getting roasted in the backseat, with these goddamn boots hanging out the window. My fantasy of the week!

I'm so "happy"...

about Arlen Specter's decision to switch parties and become a Democrat. I'd let him teabag me with his 80 year balls after dragging them through a litter box. Nothing makes me "happier" than seeing all the trashy Repubs barfing from exile. There's nothing better than being irrelevant.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

Maybe she's born with it, or maybe it's just Golden Coral.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Fox News, the only major network that refused to carry President Obama's news conference marking his fist 100 days in office. Does this strike anyone as a tad bit trashy? What a bunch of fucking morons.

A friend of...

mine works on the Hill and came across this adorable pamphlet the other day. Can you imagine all the bored fucks that show up to this thing. I bet their outfits are off the hook. And why oh why do missionaries always wear such shitty shoes? I wonder if Christian Chris would approve? I'll email him, ask him to wipe the drool of his face and make a video about it.

Thanks Sean

Do you know...

any trash with summer birthdays? I do, my own. Anyway, some of my Trash Angels spotted these magnificent works of art at a high end furniture warehouse. Apparently, there is a button to make the wolf howl. I would die to have this shit hanging over my bed.

Thanks T.J.

This is proof...

that we've all come so far. This place actually exists and is in the hometown of one of Trash Heaven's most loyal followers.

Thanks Missy

If you've ever...

been so blessed as to spend some "quality" time with me, then you know I'm obsessed with my iPhone. I'm the tacky pig that checks my email at dinner while everyone else rolls their eyes. Eat shit! I've always said I was just as TRASHY as the pigs I make fun of. I draw the line at texting during a movie, something my dearest lady friend loves to do, I think just to kill me.

Anyway, if you have an iPhone then you know about all the shitty applications you can put on your home screen. Well, Apple just flipped the fuck out about an app called Baby Shaker. I think it's brilliant. Basically, you start the app and the only way to quiet the baby is by shaking the shit out of it. This is really appealing to me, because I can't stand kids. They're fucking gross.

I am totally...

obsessed with Joan Rivers. I think she's fabulous, maybe as fierce as Candy Spelling and Cindy McCain put together. When other kids were playing sports and breaking shit, I was drinking vodka tonics and watching this old whore talk shit about people on the red carpet. You do the math.

Apparently she and her fug daughter were on that shiteous show, Celebrity Apprentice. Anyway, McFug Rivers gets fired and Joan shuts everyone the fuck down. I'm in awe!

Listen to her rant, it starts at the 1:45 mark. I'm dead. My favorite quote has to be when she tells a "professional" poker player that she's "...beyond white trash."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is a classic late 80s/early 90s slut. She is magnificent and according to my "sources," she's absolutely devastated about the demise of Pontiac.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this dumb slut's coat. I cannot stress how hideous this shit was in person. It looked like 100 possums had been slaughtered and sprayed with silver glitter and jizz.


I thought these...

bitches were dead and gone, but apparently not. Just yesterday, I had finished one of my many afternoon snacks when I came upon this bitch at school rocking some serious stirrup pants.

These weren't just your classic black cotton pair either, they were metallic gold. And to make matters worse, she was an absolute monster, she looked like a whale in a condom. Nothing and I mean nothing will show off a camel toe like a sick pair of these bitches!

The clip below is not of stirrup pants, but I couldn't help myself. Suzanne Somers is such an old moron, and she slings the cheapest shit on HSN. It kills me / I love to take Xanax and watch her in a coma for hours.

As some of...

you have heard, GM has decided to discontinue one of its "finest" brands, Pontiac. I just didn't see this coming. When I think of Pontiac, I think of gross renegade white trash peeling out of the parking lot of an abortion clinic, casino, Wal-Mart, and maybe Sears if you're lucky.

I think their slogan was, "The Heartbeat of America." If that's true, no wonder we're so fucked. And I vaguely remember being really jealous of this one WT mom that would pick her kid up in a Pontiac Grand Am from daycare. She smoked Marlboro Red 100s and had a massive camel toe. She was my hero.

I'd like to take a moment of silence for all the sluts that have been pounded in the backseat of a Pontiac by a redneck with a mullet, and for all the meth snorted off the dash. You will be missed.

I used to...

be friends with this really disgusting bitch, to protect her anonymity, we'll call her "Gretchen." She taught me how to roll blunts when I was 16, it feels like it was just yesterday. AnyWTadolescence, I came across this picture the other day and it totally reminded me of her.

The nasty fuck had her braces on for at least a decade. She would go years and years without getting those bitches adjusted. Well, at one point, she went so long, the goddamn things rusted. I saw it with my own eyes, the bitch is fucked! Apparently she was way too busy sucking dick, smoking weed, and beating up her boyfriend/family/coworkers/children to get the shit fixed.

What a pig!

For Queete

Quote of the week!

I've always been not so secretly obsessed with Courtney Love. She's so fucked and just think of all those goddamn pills! Anyway, she happens to be rich white trash and a total bitch. Britney has to have someone to look up to.

Anyway, she's been talking shit about Pamela Anderson to Page Six and I'm howling. She said, "Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove -- which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu."

What a bitch! Who would win if they had a pussy down? Somehow it just seems fitting that Pam Anderson is taking dumps and getting pounded in a goddamn trailer in Malibu. What a sick fuck!

Breaking "News!"

I feel like this is a true moment in the history of all things fucking TRASHY. Britney Spears was doing the splits at a concert and her goddamn tampon came out. You can actually see it (0:16 mark). I'm DEAD!!! It only could have been better if a tick would've been attached.

She's so fucking trashy. RICH WHITE TRASH 4 LIFE! This is what happens when parents choose to pimp their kids out to Disney instead of sending them to school. So fucked! "But it was my baby's dream to be bipolar white trash."

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I've been feeling...

really "dark sided" lately. Something has just been missing from my "life." So, I've once again turned to Christian Chris to give me some guidance. As you might know, his "interpretation" of the scripture is nothing short of amazing. And by amazing, I mean a 4 year old on a ventilator could kick his ass at Scrabble.

Anyway, Chris has posted a video of one of his "spiritual" mentors (HA!). And on this beautiful Sunday, I'd like to share it will all you miserable bitches. "YOUR LOVE HAS SET ME ABLAZE."

For the Retards

You can really...

tell that no expense was spared in the production of this video. This music is amazing, not to mention this fabulous pig, her moves are off the hook.

Thanks Erin

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Glamour shot(s) of the day

These glamour shots are dedicated to my lady friend. I'm pretty sure that gross bitch is rocking dream catcher earrings. Adorable!

I really consider...

myself a "people person," ha! And it brings me special "joy" when a random redneck is caught on tape in "its" natural habitat. I mean, here's a rule, if you're being interviewed and you continue to smoke through the whole goddamn thing, well, you're just really trashy.

The clip below speaks for itself.

This is really...

fucking tacky. Sometimes you just have to stick with the original. Trashy Christians love to do shit like this to really get the shitty congregation into the moment. Fucking morons.

Thanks Caroline

I was watching...

The Ice Storm earlier and now I'm really depressed. Anyway, in the movie there is the one scene where they're having a "key party" and this one guy has to fuck this total pig.

It reminded me of the time my friend told me about hoggin'. Hoggin' is when you go to a bar/party and all your friends throw in $20 and whoever fucks the biggest pig gets the cash at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure I've been the victim of hoggin' on several occasions.


Is it just me, or does April Redding have a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt? I think that Jabba is actually slightly more petite.

Have you heard...

of Savana Redding? Probably not, she's total white trash. Anyway, in 2003 she was strip searched because somebody tipped her teacher off that she was hiding pills in her beaver.

She had to strip down to her undies and even shake her panties out in front of the nurse. I bet the nurse was about to dry heave. Initially, I was worried about her rights being violated. However, I then saw a video of Savana and her mother. PIGS!! The mom has a massive frontbutt, the kind where the 9XL cotton stirrup pants are really the only option.

This pig needs to try some prescription diet pills, instead of pain pills. I prefer bootleg Fen-Phen, you might have a stroke, but the crack high is worth it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

All I can say is...that poor rose. Hopefully it's fake with the plastic dew drops. That tacky shit always does me in.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this trashy shirt. There is this ultra shitty "festival" in my hometown called Bikes, Blues, and Barbeque, that brings in TRASH from all over the country.

Every niche of the white trash market is represented. God only knows how many abortions and charges of domestic abuse follow this white trash extravaganza.

Thanks Lindsey

As some of...

you know, I'm totally obsessed with trashy teachers. That trashy bitch Mary Kay LeTourneau fucking ruined me. They've all been let downs since her. She rode that dick to the finish line, the bitch even went to jail to fuck that butt ugly Polynesian kid. I can't even say his name, it makes me want to vom.

Anyway, Lori Epperson, a high school teacher from Hamilton, Ohio, has just resigned after admitting that she took four of her students to see some dick dancers.

First of all, you're fucking trashy and a slut. Lori's really upset because she had permission from all the parents. "Yes, I give _________ permission to be teabagged with Ms. Epperson." You gotta love WT parents!

Nothing kills me...

more than a smoking lounge at an airport. After leaving one, you will smell like a combination of barf, jizz, and ash.

A friend of mine spotted this elegant creature as she was placing her cigarette in a cigarette holder. My favorite. Like that bitch is any less white trash for using that shit. Nice try pig. I bet her blood pressure is off the charts. I love a pig that smokes!

Thanks Sean

Boot of the week!

I know I'm going to get a bunch of hate mail from all the QWEENZ, but I fucking hate Lady GaGa. She's so fucking gross. Just look at her goddamn boots! I'm speechless. How the fuck did she even get them on? Madonna should have a boot down with GaGa. I have a feeling that Madonna would stomp all over that Jersey trash. Have you seen the pics of her before she was famous? Guido for dayz.

Thanks Ana

I know this...

really trashy bitch, and she's bidding on these sick pair of jeans on eBay. They would perfectly accentuate her massive camel toe.

Anyway, this reminds me of my "best friend" from high school (burn in hell bitch). She had a crazy white trash whoredog sister, a total nymphomaniac. I mean this bitch would fuck anything, guy, girl, you name it. I think she even took advantage of one of her neighbors with "special needs." And by special needs, I mean she fucked her severely retarded neighbor. He was a dead ringer for Stephen Hawking.

For Andrea/Melody

I think that...

Perez Hilton is kind of tacky and a massive queen, I still read his shit everyday though. However, I really like that he uses his popularity to promote equal rights for everyone, excluding poor and stupid people (that was a joke).

Anyway, I've been totally fascinated by his showdown with Miss California, the white trash beauty queen extraordinaire. God, pageants are so fucking trashy! This bitch is giving JonBenet a bad name!

All those bitches barfing up everything they've ever eaten just for ten minutes of glory in front of a trash packed audience. Gag me on a moose dick covered in crabs and dipped in shit filled with tape worms.