Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I have a feeling that Lisa had quadrupled in size since 1992, and is still peeling out in the same Ford Taurus.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by skin tags. I have to be careful, this is actually making me dry heave. Have you ever had one? I've ripped one off of someone before.

I know this one 700 lb white trash Christian that has them all over her eyelids. We can only hope that her "treasures" really are in heaven, shit.

The video below is really fucking sick. Just watch it. I'm dead.

This guy is...

a really sick fuck. He paid a $206 fine with coins soaked in urine. Cute care package. Urine really doesn't gross me out. In fact, I love to piss everywhere, including the sink at your house. There's something about metal marinating in piss that kind of makes me ill though.

And apparently it's legal to send piss through the mail. Well, this changes everything. Piss soaked Bibles and maxi pads for everyone!

You're really going...

to love the Wiccan trash in this video. I've been pretty rough on all the drooling zombie Christians, so I need to switch things up, to keep my journalistic "integrity."

The "people" in this clip talk about how blessed their lives are, since they moved to New Mexico. Now they're able to "practice" in peace. And by practice I mean the wife eats at least twenty times a day and the husband is boring trash. What's the deal with all the sick fucks that live in New Mexico? What a shitty state with a trashy pig governor.

Check out the 1:00 mark for some serious elegance and an amazing outfit.

Thanks Frank

I've been obsessed...

with trashy teachers ever since Mary Kay Letourneau fucked that one butt ugly Polynesian kid. Anyway, there's a new slut in town and she goes by Kylene Nelson. Ms. Nelson teaches 8th grade and showed up to school totally shitfaced. There is nothing like being drunk in the morning. Really fucking cute.

Check out the clip below, this pig has some adorable moves. The school gave her a breathalyzer and it registered at .26. For you pigs that aren't familiar with these levels, .08 is usually the legal limit to drive a car.

On a few occasions, some "friends" of mine has blown as high as .18 and they were totally fucked. So, this bitch must have been crunk. WHITE TRASH!!! After showing her beaver to the class, she fled the campus and was found passed out in a nursing home parking lot. I might be obsessed with this trashy bitch. Maybe she's on Match.com.

I can't stand...

hunting. I think it's really retarded. Oh and guns are fucking trashy. It's nice that we still have to do gross shit like this to prove our "masculinity." Cute evolution.

Anyway, a very "precious" friend sent this clip to me. Listen to the lovely music in the background as the slaughter is celebrated. You can tell they are having the time of their goddamn lives. One redneck blows an animal away, while the rest jack off in the deer stand. Good times.

Thanks Reba

Do you notice...

anything strange about this birthday party? I'm really digging the "slide." They really should cover the kids in slime to make this a little bit more authentic.

Thanks Frank

Monday, March 30, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is a really bad one, I almost feel sorry, almost. We'll have to file this one under "YOU'RE A LOSER" and "YOU'RE BUTT UGLY." And God only knows the terrible things that have been done to that poor cat. A rape kit should be ordered by the local authorities.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this pile of barf. I was totally shitfaced the other night when I came upon this pile of vomit on the metro. I felt like one of the Three Wise Men, gazing upon Christ.

As I was getting off, this 500 lb nerd with a Dragon Ball Z shirt got on. He was wearing some adorable coke bottle glasses. He slipped in the barf and banged his head on the seat. It was one of the better nights of my life.

In the clip below, a kid barfs after some airplane acrobatics (3:00 mark). I love the face somebody makes right before they puke. It's priceless.

A dear friend...

of mine is from a really small town. I mean like 1,000 people, one stop light and everyone has multiple teeth missing. Incest for dayz! It's a miracle he made it out. Anyway, he sent me this from his local "newspaper." First of all, what the fuck is a turkey call?

Hunting is so goddamn trashy! Turkey's are really fucking sick though, so go ahead and blow them the fuck away. That shit that hangs from their face always reminds me of swollen genitalia and has made me violently ill since I was a child.

Thanks Reba

It just kills...

me that people are such fucking morons. What's the deal? I'm sorry that you just figured out that life can be pretty shitty, but please use your brain instead of investing time in such crazy bullshit.

I really need someone to come "lay hands" on me and cast out these demons!

A friend of...

mine works in the fashion industry and he just confirmed my deepest fears. WOLVES are going to be a new trend! Say it isn't so. You can't take this away from all the rednecks that cherish their faux affinity to all things Native American. This just isn't right.

Shouldn't we really be asking ourselves..."WHAT ABOUT THE TRASH?" It's all they have. What will the extended Palin clan in Alaska do, if Wolves become accessories for the rich? All the TRASH out there has to come together and fight for their "culture."

Thanks Kurt

I'm obsessed with...

chub chasing. In fact, a very dear "friend" of mine has been the victim of this fucked up fetish, unknowingly of course. She's kind of "chubby" by not a massive pig, nothing like Carnie Wilson. Anyway, a friend pointed out all these different girls that her boyfriend had previously dated, and they were all fat as fuck. At that moment, she realized that she'd become the victim of some sick fucks FAT FETISH!

Anyway, I recently received the pics of the massive pig above. Apparently she's all the rage on the fat fetish circuit. I lover her multilayer muffintop. Cute hiding place.

Today marks the...

return of Mullet Monday. It's nice to have a day dedicated to such an amazing American institution.

First of all, what a "lady." I bet this bitch can kick ass and eat beaver at the same time. She's fucking fierce. Oh and that Lion King sweatshirt is off the hook, and don't think I didn't see that fucking sick camel toe.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm going to...


focus on a different kind of trash today. After all, it's Sunday, the Lord's Day, so I'm going to switch things up. I'm going to talk about a really shitty character flaw that make you TRASHY.

For example, are any of you friends with a flakey bitch? I just can't stand flakey fucks. It's just so goddamn rude. Anyway, back to work on my new voodoo doll. I hope you all have a great night and I have a bounty of trash planned for tomorrow.

For shiteous behavoir of this nature, I'd like to suggest one of my favorite receipes that I posted last week. It goes like this:


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Did you know...

that people are sending condoms to the Vatican to protest the absurdity of the Pope's recent comments? I fucking love it. I encourage all of you to do the same. However, why don't we spice it up a little bit.

You know, dip the tip in chili or mayonnaise and then drop it in a FedEx envelope. Or you could hot glue pubic hair to them, whatever! I want those slaves...I mean nuns in the mail room to cream their shitty outfits when they open that bullshit up.

If you don't have a chili dipped condom on hand, soiled linens from a gay cruise will suffice.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Have you heard...

of handfasting? Apparently it's some old Celtic bullshit way of getting married. One by one, people come up to the "happy" couple and tie knots binding their hands. How fucking cute. I would be violently ill over having to touch the same person for an extended period of time!

I'm sure their vows were adorable. "Do you promise to always fart when we're in bed?" and "Do you promise to always change your tampon in front of me?"

This video just about did me in, the music is enough to kill yourself over, so please be careful. I'm going to file this under "YOU'RE NOT THAT SPECIAL," "NOBODY GIVES A FUCK," and "YOU'RE TRASHY."

I think we...

can file this one under "WHAT THE FUCK" and "EVERYTHING'S NOT OKAY." Anyway, a family claims that their mother has been missing for seven years. Meanwhile, family members had been in and out of her home. Well, after all this time, one of them is digging around in a bedroom and finds the bitch dead, she'd rotted through the floor. I bet it looked like that scene from Christmas Vacation, when the cat gets electrocuted and burns through the floor.

Oh and a neighbor reported that he saw rats going in and out of a broken window. I bet those goddamn rats were snacking on that dead bitch!! Fucking sick! This is almost as bad as my second favorite death scenario involving old people. I swear I read a story one time about an old lady passing away in her home and all her cats devoured her ass. Bitches gotta eat, shit.

I probably would have left that bitch to rot as well. At least you can continue to cash those social security checks and then head to the casino. You gotta play to win.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

There's just something so classy about including the crucifix in a photo shoot. Not that I mean it's sacrilegious, because who gives a fuck, more like what a shitty prop.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Chili's. What a fucking dump. You better make sure you have all your shots before going to pig the fuck out there. I know a few skanks that used to work there and they used to do some really sick shit to the food. This one bitch found a hair extension in the parking lot and used it to stir the salsa.

Anyway, a friend of mine was having a hog's delight at Chili's when he came upon these swamp monsters. These pigs might be able to beat Janet Huckabee in a melted butter guzzling contest

Thanks Nate

I love trashy...

churches, I'm sure a big surprise to all you sick fucks. Anyway, in my rolodex of everything having to do with shitty churches, there remains a special place in my heart for bikers that have turned to Jesus. Motorcycles are trashy and make you look like a tool/moron.

A friend of mine was able to get these pics of this adorable church on a recent trip home to Texas. I'm not sure if you can tell, but it's in a strip mall, kill me now!! Anywhitetrashchurch, since they cater to the rougher side of "society" they have to keep things on the wild side. You know, the whole campaign where Jesus ditches the flowing robe for a leather jacket with fringe. Anyway, enjoy the pics and praise the Lord.

Thanks Jon

We're lucky to...

live in a country filled with boundless class and elegance. The picture above is clear proof that some things are worth fighting for. This picture should be used on a "FREEDOM ISN'T FREE" poster.

Do you notice how the big toenail on the right foot actually curls underneath her shoe? This bitch is obviously too fabulous to walk anyway. She should be carried to and from her Pontiac Bonneville, directly to her seat in the casino.

Have you recently...

made a genetic deposit in the cave commonly known as a vagina. Well, you might want to bong a hand full of Plan B. This has to be one of my favorite drugs and you should be able to get it out of vending machines. Have you seen how bad kids are? God, I hate them. Anyway, a friend of mine in college was such a dirty slut that the pharmacist gave her a three month supply. It was just in the best interest of the community.

Thanks V

As some of...

you know, I'm a really sick fuck, but a few of my friends are pretty fucked up as well. Anyway, I was talking my friend (we'll call her Angie) and she revealed her secret nickname for her pussy...sloppy joe.

This instantly made me violently ill. My brains is already so fucked and this imagery just did me in. For some reason it reminded me of the time that another friend of mine, shit her pants while wearing a thong. She said the thong cut the stream of diarrhea in two, just like Moses parting the Red Sea.

Have you ever...

seen such a beautiful painting. This comes directly from the MySpace page of Robby & Becky? MySpace is so goddamn trashy! I have it on good authority that these sick fucks use MySpace to meet other couples for some white trash trailer park roasting. Can you imagine the smell? That shit is enough to make a Virgin Mary figurine cry blood.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

Just look at those goddamn boots. This was taken right before she came out of the closet. Fuck I love an 80s dyke.

For Macy

I used to...

think that Jimmy Kimmel was just a gross pig, but he's pretty fucked up and kind of funny. In this clip, he plays that sick fuck Nadya Suleman, you know the octopus pussy mom that is trying to give Michelle Duggar a run for her jizz loving money. I'm so over this gross bitch. As this really gross queen I know, would say, "NEXT!"

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this shitty cake. I only wish I had a pic of the adorable couple. I have an idea of what they looked like. I'm sure the groom was total white trash with a camo tux. And the bride was probably a pig of epic proportions, and according to my "sources," was actually able to pull off a camel toe in a wedding gown. Quite a feat. Oh and do you see that hoof? Fucking sick.

As some of...

you know, I'm obsessed with really shitty American cars, there are just so many. Well, to be fair I really need to share with you, the piece of Euro shit above.

I was walking home yesterday with the usual sour/miserable look on my face, when I stumbled upon this piece of Soviet "craftsmanship." It was a goddamn Yugo. I left a note with my email address under the one wiper that hadn't been ripped off and I wrote, "name your price."

I would die ten times to peel out in this butt ugly piece of shit. Cute pussy wagon. Can you imagine trying to act like a stud in this thing? Anyway, this Yugo reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Drowning Mona. Watch it if you haven't seen it, it's fucking hilarious. That's an order, pigs!

A friend of...

mine had the pleasure of attending an estate sale, where he came across this magnificent piece of art. Even though it was not for sale, he pleaded with the white trash auctioneer to take it home.

Who made this and how? I'm obsessed with anything Lucite or any random piece of object suspended in plastic/glass. I'm coming out with a line of glass paperweights that have used tampons and condoms in them. I'm trying to be more "green." Plus, I think that a condom would look much better on your desk, than sizzling till the end of time in some disgusting landfill.

Thanks Frank

I'd like you...

to meet my hero, Countess Marie Douglas. Her soon to be ex (he's 90) offered her a 43 million dollar divorce settlement, she turned her lip up and said, "you expect me to live like the goddamn maid!" Um...you've just won the gold medal at the Trash Heaven Olympics.

I fucking love gold diggers! Life is hard, shit. I'm going to find this bitch, it looks like she needs a new best friend. In fact, if any of you know any really lonely wealthy people, just point them in my direction. I'm a natural fraud and can sing the sweetest lullaby to put any rich pig to sleep. Oh and the fact that this bitch is a Countess, well that only makes my third nipple lactate that much harder.

I'd like to dedicate the following classic to Countess Marie, an example for all young girls. Oh and according to my "sources," Cindy McCain is not happy about this bitch stealing her golden thunder. She said, "...but she's not addicted to anything, how can she be fabulous?"

Does this look...

like the face of a killer? No, I didn't think so. I think Phil Spector has been framed! He's like the white OJ. Anyway, this gross fuck is on trial again for blowing that one whore away a few years ago. I'm kind of buying the whole suicide argument. She probably saw his dick and decided it was just OVER! According to my "sources," the hair on his balls was also permed.

Do you like his new look? Cute daddy longleg bangs. His lawyer was like, "look, the shit-house-rat look isn't really working anymore." So, Phil Spector showed up with a new coif and Gollum inspired facelift.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Have you heard...

of the Chawner family from the UK. As some of you know, I'm totally obsessed with Brit Trash, they're just a very special breed and I thank the LORD for them. Plus, from time to time they take the heat off all the Southern pigs I love and adore.

The family is so fucking fat, that they're all on disability. They get over $40 grand a year, but are complaining that it's not enough for their groceries. Well no fucking shit. Can you imagine the plumbing at their goddamn house? I'm ill!

I really need to check into this. The whole getting a job and "working" thing is just not for me. I'm going to just continue to pig the fuck out, then get on disability. Cute dream.

Anyway, through my impeccable research skills, I was able to come up with these clips of Emma's (pig daughter on the right) attempts to make it BIG on X FACTOR. The quality is shit, but it gives you a better idea of just how intense this hoggetry is.

I would not fuck with any of these pigs during a feeding frenzy. You might not make it out alive. Oh and one last thing, I think the mom should come out with a line of sleeveless shirts. Work what you got, bitch. Skip to the 2:50 of the first clip to see a showdown between Simon Cowell and this disgusting family.

I'm kind of...

obsessed with Portia De Rossi. She's riding the golden beaver all the way to bank. Anyway, I was really touched by her PSA below. In the clip, De Rossi stands up for the "conservative" supporters of Prop 8. What about their feelings? What about their shitty neighborhoods?

Anyway, I'm glad somebody is finally reaching out to all the nervous white trash out there. I can just see them watching Family Feud, shaking in their shitty denim outfits, worried about the day that "The Gays" will take over.

Comment of the week

The comment below really warmed my sad pig heart. It's from my post on Big Love, where I used the clip of the magnificent Mormon "temple" above. Does anyone that it's strange that these "temples" are so tacky? They look like shit right out of Vegas. It would just feel more authentic if Siegfried was getting pounded on one of those white sofas (anal sex on a white couch...bad idea), while Roy is getting mauled in the corner.


ExHack said:

Proof positive that middle-class white people too often have no fucking taste.

Seriously, I'm glad to see the "CHURCH" is spending its hard-earned billions to fill its temples with tacky fucking furniture, whitewashed Louie-the-Hooey shit with gold upholstery and giant chandeliers that look like they were shit out of the Abominable Snowman's colon with their 50,000 Swarovski crystals. Usually my reaction to a Moron church is that I'd like to personally bulldoze the fucking things, but not anymore. For God's sake, please, encourage them to build one of those piggy-ass wedding cakes from Hell in every town, so they can make their stupid cult members go bankrupt quicker.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm going to...

have to take a little break from Trash Heaven. I'm sorry my little pigs. I'm absolutely slammed at my day job (saving souls for Christ). I've been so stressed out and my "normal" pills aren't helping. Any suggestions?

I'll try and post here and there, and hopefully in a week or so I'll be back to doing what I'm good at, hunting for TRASH.

However, I will leave you with this one magnificent beauty below. I'm doing my best to see that she becomes the face of the new women's line at Target. Just look at that sea of moles. I'd like to bite them off one by one, and blow them out of my mouth like the tips of hot dogs. I know my chihuahua would devour them. This bitch should be the star of the "STAY IN SCHOOL" campaign. "If you drop out...you will turn into this gross pig." I think it would work.