Saturday, January 31, 2009

Have you heard...

of Jan Terri? It's official, I'm obsessed! The first clip if from her video Losing You. The second clip is from the Daily Show and provides a montage of her "work."

Never Forget!

Gloria Huddle is fucking insane! Just look at her facial expressions. I'm ill! She's a horse face killer for sure! Her teeth are like piano keys!

For Shane aka "Reba"

Friday, January 30, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is not a bad look for such a pig. I'm not exactly sure that this is a woman though. What do you think? If only there was such a thing as scratch n' sniff internet, because I can smell a set of duct taped balls a mile away.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the Country Queens. They haven't been on Trash Heaven lately and it just makes me so sad. Nick just had his 30th birthday. Send that queen a belated birthday message! Do you miss them? Let me know.

For Macy & Frank

Would you like...

everyone to know just how trashy you are? If the answer is yes, have one of these installed on your car. It doesn't have to be of howling wolves (personal fav), an eagle in flight would do as well.

I know I've posted a clip about this sick fuck before. I'm absolutely obsessed with him. What a loser! His wife gave him an ultimatum about the whole wolf obsession and he picked the wolves.

I'm not sure...

about you, but I have a major boner over this hog's delight. It's called the Bacon Explosion. Sounds really elegant. This is the kind of meal, best enjoyed with your hands tied behind your back.

This would be a great snack before your morning run, after a death in the family, or right after you've had to put your favorite pet to sleep. You could also save the leftover grease for some private time later on (wink wink), if you get my drift.

Anyway, you first start with a bacon weave, this is then covered in a layer of sausage. Crumbled bacon chunks go on top of the sausage and then the meat is rolled into a log. Be sure and keep it away from any known sexual deviants that like to hang around the kitchen. This is the perfect piece of meat to fuck.

This might not be the best meal to prepare if you have any Jewish friends coming over for dinner. Vegetarians probably wouldn't be that into either. Besides that, I can see this becoming a staple for WT family get togethers. I have a feeling that Aretha Franklin can't wait to get her hooves on this recipe.

Thanks JoJo

I would have...

to say that Dick Armey is butt ugly and white trash. He has to share with me the name of his dentist and personal trainer!

Anyway, he said some really rude sexist shit (9:44 mark) to Joan Walsh on Hardball last night (Chris Matthews' is also a fucking pig).

A complete and thorough ass licking of Rush Limbaugh takes place during the clip. I love how scared these "conservatives" are of this medicated pig. What's the deal? What does it say about your "values" if Rush Limbaugh is your spokespig? There are some really adorable racist remarks around the 5:00 mark. Hopefully, there is a special place in hell for him.

There is nothing...

worse than a dumb sorority bitch. And this one in particular is really bad! She has one of the fiercest "ugly cry" faces I've ever seen. What a loser pig! The picture above has nothing to do with the video. However, I'm obsessed with "her" for several obvious reasons.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This bitch really has the Himalayan whore look down to an art. I have a feeling she's much better at making jizz angels than in the snow. However, I'm all over that hat. I'd put a few gerbils from Richard Gere's ass down the garbage disposal, to get my hands on one.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the smoldering hooker pussy slime, oozing off Charlie Sheen's dick. I hope his new bride fucks him wearing a HAZMAT suit. When he gets into the bathtub, his dick makes a sizzling sound, like a cold piece of meet on the grill.

It's truly a sad state of affairs that he's paid so much to be in such a shitty tv show. His crabs should file for unemployment. If he's the best we can do when it comes to sitcoms, then we have a big problem.

It's time to...

check in with Christian Chris. In this clip he explains/stutters that Allah is not the same thing as the god of the Christians or Jews. It was nice of him to take a shower before he started filming. I bet his trailer fucking stinks.

Anyway, is it just me or could Christian Chris be a scholar? It seems like he's put a lot of "thought" into his answers. It's almost like he's reading them right off some shitty propaganda pamphlet handed out by his local low rent Baptist church.

I wonder if he's a virgin. Maybe we can get him to do a porn with Verne Troyer. I have a feeling that Mensa is actively trying to recruit Christian Chris.

Have you ever...

seen anything so majestic in your entire life? My lady friend had the recent pleasure of stopping by the DMV (hell on earth) in a certain city famous for acrylics like this. She said it took the dumb bitch 30 minutes to type out her information because her goddamn acrylic nails were 4 inches long.

Acrylic nails are useful for the following: to dig at hemorrhoids, to remove ticks, the collection of diarrhea causing bacteria, to elegantly jerk someone off, as weapons, and to remove a renegade tampon.

The nails above are from a very special lady. I've been sworn to secrecy, so I cannot reveal her identity. She's not playing around with that sick set of nails though. She could slice and dice your ass with that shit.

Thanks Nate

Breaking "News!"

Carnie Wilson has been spotted. Is she really pregnant or just a pig/bad person? As most of you know, I'm obsessed with Carnie (what a shitty name) and consider her to be extremely evil. I'll never be able to forgive her for the time I was shitfaced drunk and shed a tear to You're in Love.

Is everything ok?

I think this is a clear example of questionable anal hygiene. This is a bad one! There is nothing quite like taking a shit in your pants. I of course wouldn't know from personal experience. However, I do have a certain "friend" that used to "work" for a prominent journalist, and he shit his pants one day in the studio during a live taping (pig, you know who you are!)

Are you having...

trouble losing some of that weight left over form the holidays. I know I certainly am, at least from several holidays now. Anyway, the product featured below is a tried and true technique when it comes to shedding those unwanted pounds.

Thanks Sean

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I've been obsessing over this picture for awhile now. It's just so real. You can't make skanks like this up. Plus, I'm all over the decor. Prom is so trashy! Just imagine all the prom related abortions. Its got to be way more than Pam Anderson has had.

I am dying...

to see Oprah's (bitch pig) with Ted Haggard! Hopefully he won't try and bullshit her about his trip to Jesus camp and how it magically erased his addiction to dick. What a big act!

I almost feel sorry for his pig wife. God, how embarrassing to go on Oprah and talk about your loser husband. Hopefully their kids have changed their last name. Cute conversation starter on the first day of college. "What does your dad do?" "well, he's a "formerly" methed out hooker fucking evangelical hypocrite."

I've had just...

about enough with this whole goddamn Baby Caylee fiasco. I bet that fugly pig Nancy Grace is creaming her panties like a busted soft serve ice cream machine (when it just keeps coming out even after you let go of the lever) over this goddamn thing. This bitch feeds on murdered babies like Carnie Wilson at an all you can eat 24/7 Asian buffet.

As expected, some fucked up pig has decided to cash in on this mountain of misery by making a "Caylee Doll." Great idea! The song "You Are My Sunshine," Caylee's favorite, plays when the 18-inch doll's bellybutton is pushed. For only $30, you too can have your very own Caylee doll to bury in the background, then lie about it while you're getting pounded at the club.

These sick fucks are trying to give JonBenet a run for her money. Not so fast bitches. I pity the doll maker, who is now at the mercy of JonBenet's heavenly wrath!

Thanks Nate

The most fabulous...

accessories are to be found at gas stations in Oklahoma. It's a fact. I'm all about one stop shopping. Fill your car up, pig out on some mystery grease that will give you explosive diarrhea, and maybe get "raped" (you know you wanted it) in the bathroom. And then on your way out, pick up one of these adorable rings for the special lady/guy/it that's tied up in your basement or piss drenched trailer.

Thanks Frank

A friend of...

mine was pigging out on fast food and came across this rare beauty. WTF is she wearing or not wearing? I can't tell if that is bare fat or fat covered in some kind of material. Her clothes are actually choking on her body, something I'm well versed in.

Thanks Sean

I am obsessed...

with what a fucking moron Chip Saltsman is. Is it just me, or does his head look really swollen? Almost like a hot dog that is seconds away from exploding in the microwave.

He just doesn't know when to STFU. Hopefully the Republicans pick him to head the RNC, great move. I think it's safe to say that Saltsman is "slightly" out of touch.

In the clip below, he blames the media for the scandal surrounding his Christmas CD containing the hit single, Barack the Magic Negro. It's totally the media, I just don't see what the big deal is. The reporter does quite the thorough job of shutting him the fuck down. Pig!

Most of the...

shit on tv is fucking awful, I mean really bad. Personally, all I care to watch is polo and Antiques Roadshow and the occasional rerun of Designing Women. I have to give credit to the pig that made the commercial below. This shit had me howling!

Thanks Sean

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

There's nothing quite like a shitty fur coat. Gross. I bet that thing fucking stinks.

I have it...

on good authority that white trash is coming into style in a big way. This wolf shirt stands as clear evidence to the potential danger that we face.

This kind of shit is really only enjoyable when it stays in the shadows. If wolves and dream catchers become trendy, then this pig will be out of business.

Do you see those silver Peter Pan boots? I actually kind of like them. Anyway, this looks like some bullshit that a former "coworker" (bitch) of mine used to rock. I'm not going to name any names, but she looks exactly like Dee Snider.

Thanks Ana

Every once in...

awhile, I come across something and it causes me to wonder, "will I go to hell for this?" The video below might be enough to get me through the door.

I'd like you to meet Chris, he's decided to bring the "word" of the Lord to YouTube. Chris has a killer lisp and is really sweat (I'm evil). In a series of videos, he answers all those nagging questions that have surely been keeping you up at night. The irony of the clip below is just too much. I'm a really bad person. It's official. From here on out, we'll refer to him as Christian Chris.

I just can't...

believe it. "Pastor" Ted Haggard has been accused of being a sodomite, again! I thought he had already been cured through the "grace" of the Holy Spirit. How can this be?

Some members of the megachurch (trashy) that he used to lead have recently come forward with more accusations. Adorable balls deep action right before communion.

According to my "sources," an 85 year old great grandmother complained about a piece of corn stuck to her communion wafer, along with the slight aroma of jizz. Ted Haggard brings a while new meaning to the term, "shit eating grin."

A purchase from...

this rack automatically makes you white trash. I have to admit that I'm rather partial to the rebel flag eagle that says, "I'd rather be free." These "symbols" of the South fucking kill me.

These bumper stickers are conveniently located next to the "MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER" outlet store.

Thanks Macy

Are you on...

Facebook? If you aren't, wake up. Anyway, follow this link and become a fan of Trash Heaven and be sure to add Edna Faye and Bobbi Jo. This way, all your friends can discover how fucked you are.

Edna Faye's Facebook profile
Bobbi Jo's Facebook profile

This pig is...

fucking insane. Of course I'm talking about Rush Limbaugh. What a morbidly obese sanctimonious pill popping skank. Yesterday, Limbaugh told his listeners that President Obama was "afraid of him." I'm fucking sure. What an irrelevant pig, only influential to his legions of ultra fucked drooling fans. Bleh! I can't wait for his on air heart attack while eating his 10th bacon cheeseburger of the day.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

Verne Troyer is disgusting and should be destroyed for the sake of "humanity." I am dying to see the sex tape he's in. Can you imagine his dick? BLEH!! Talk about being dealt a shitty hand, shit.

This clip is even hard for me to watch, but you just have to do it. His goddamn tongue. I bet that bitch was dead on the inside! At the very end you can kind of hear her dry heaving.

I've finally discovered...

the cause of my affliction, well one of them. According to this article, obsesity is spread by a virus, just like the common cold.

I fucking knew it! I've been right the whole time, it hasn't been from the countless cakes, fast food, gallons of alcohol, and thousands of hours on the internet, it's because of a virus! Oh and I like the adorable picture they used for the article. I couldn't have done it better myself.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the three pigs from Secret Trois. And I think we know what their "secret" is...that the "big" one ate the 4th member. In the clip below, they perform the "Stanky Leg." Soon to be a classic in the pharmacy line while waiting on your dose of Plan B.

For Macy

You really have...

to be careful while on the hunt for stripper pussy. The guy in the clip below suffered injuries when his face made contact with the heel of a sick stripper boot. I'm dead!

There is nothing...

quite like Nascar. Its really become the symbol of an entire WT redneck generation. Have you ever watched a race? Are you a guilty pig?

My lady friend was peeling out on the highway and this adorable monstrosity passed her. Really cute diversion when the world is on fire and our country is going to shit.

Thanks Macy

Mullet Monday!

I actually remembered Mullet Monday, maybe I'm not a total fucking moron. Anyway, a friend of mine was sowing the fuck down at CiCi's Pizza, when she came across this mound of white trash delight. Have you ever been to a CiCi's? What a dump. It's a pizza buffet, where you will have the hog's delight of your shitty life.

This pig's mullet was so long and fierce, that she kept dragging it over the pizza at the buffet. Poor thing had grease streaks going down the back of her 4XL shirt.

It's a perfect place to go directly after a bad breakup. Pizza is literally coming out on a conveyor belt. There is nothing like bonging piece after piece while a trail of mascara tinted tears stain your 5XL puff paint American flag sweatshirt. Fuck!

Thanks Mandy

I think it...

might be time for me to get on hormone therapy. This goddamn video almost had me in tears. Is something wrong with me? How is it a possbile that the WT Bush twins are fucking with my one last "feeling?" I'm a bad "person!"

My favorite quote from the clips has to be, "the first dump we took in the White House was the most magical."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I was watching...

Larry King and this adorable picture of Rush Limbaugh flashed across the screen. What a fucking pig. He's definitely a bad person and an elite member of the "Just Die" club.

I bet his sheets are stained yellow from all the butter coming out of his pores. His heart has to be hollering, like an 88 Ford Taurus going uphill while running out of gas. It's just over!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I almost feel...

sorry for Clay Aiken. He's the might be the ugliest fuck I've ever seen. It's bad! Can you imagine waking up to that mug everyday? What a stupid queen. I'd like to take a moment and to thank the producers of American Idol for making this white trash queen famous.

Its been a...

long time since I did a white trash weekend confessional (WTWC). I cannot hold my silence any longer. Here it goes...I'm a fan of...Kathie Lee Gifford!! I know, I'm so fucked, I'm a BAD person.

I trace this sickness to my extremely bizarre childhood, it's complicated. I know she's a crazy "Christian," but I just can't help it. I caught myself watching the 4th hour of the Today Show. I couldn't turn away, it was like a car wreck.

This kind of admission makes me question everything. Who am I? Should I turn myself in?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This is proof that every detail that goes into a wedding is of vital importance. For instance, I would have suggested a tapeworm for each one of these pigs. Not sure where to get one before your big day? I have an easy formula. First, step on a piece of broken glass and then locate a litter box. Next, dance your ass off in the litter box, a move I like to call the Litter Box Trot.

In several months, you should be skinny, albeit ill as fuck. This technique will ensure a lifetime of skinny wedding photos. Fuck going to the gym or eating right, just get a parasite.

For Macy

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this pig's arm. According to my "sources," she had just finished nursing on a bowl of mayonnaise when this picture was taken. Adorable.

Breaking "News!"

Word on the street is that the first couple is into some gutterbutt shit behind closed doors. Skip to the :09 mark.

Have you ever...

heard of a Reborn doll? They are lifelike dolls and totally bizarre. And as much as I hate to say it, they're even trashier than the cheap shit Marie Osmond slings on QVC (the Osmond's are white trash).

At first I thought they were some weird Christian bullshit, but it ended up being much worse! Just watch the video. You've been warned. These pigs are fucking crazy. Please give special attention to the first skank that's profiled. She's trashy, watch as she drags her neon pink acrylic nails over the "baby".