Sunday, December 27, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

And you thought you had a shitty Christmas. Just look at the combo of that broke down tree plus those shitty dolls. This bitch is obviously trying to overcompensate for having a loser husband, and also for being a boring ass Christian.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Lisa Sellers. When it comes to pigging the fuck out, Lisa does not play around. Plus, her "command" of English is off the charts. I'd like to order an emergency analysis of "her" home plumbing.

Anyway, Lisa is an American pig of the highest order. On a "bad" day, "she" might consume over 30,000 calories. I would not advise leaving small children and / or cars in her presence.

Thanks Ben

Every so often...

I come across something, and I have to decide, "too fucked up" or "go for it." I'm going to make a "special" exception for the following post, mainly because of the massive amount of tranquilizers I'm on holidays. If you didn't hate me before, then we're probably going to have a problem.

My "only" comfort is that 99.9999% of you can't afford or are too retarded to ever challenge me with some down home litigation. Anyway, enjoy the Lord's goodness and fuck off!

It really takes...

a special pig to get my attention these days. As most of you know it's more common than not to run into a super sow. Well, a fan of Trash Heaven was trying on wigs at Good Will, when he came across this monster pig fucking up a gallon of ice cream barely hanging on a waffle cone.

As I've mentioned many times, I live in fear of being caught in the act of capturing hoggetry (the ancient art of being a pig) at its finest. Well, this person was actually busted. He was focused in on the sow, and her methed out "friend" spotted him taking a pic. I'd like to take my ankle boot off to this brave soul for catching this beast in her natural habitat, not many of us exhibit this kind of bravery.

Thanks Andrew

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Talk about some...

really fucked up shit, this makes a threesome with Terri Schiavo, JonBenet and Stephen Hawking look really apple pie. I'd like to dedicate this absolute fuckery to all the Jesus freaks that lobby for the restriction of the availability of birth control.

If you're broke fucked up trash, don't have a goddamn baby. You cum guzzling pigs are fucking killing me!

Thanks Frank

I've been dropping...

hints for months and months about getting one of these adorable recliners. This shit has to be Cindy McCain and John Collins' wet fucking dream. No matter how fucking pilled out you are or how many bottles of champagne you've bonged, this shit can always get your drooling ass up and around.

As some of you know, I'm a HUGE fan of any and all cloth furniture, especially sectionals and recliners. There is no better way to store decades and buckets worth of human fluids. Sometimes I have nightmares where I'm drinking buckets of brown water left over from steam cleaning cloth furniture. I always wake up with a massive boner, or at least I think, its hard to tell with all the fat it's trapped in.

Thanks Nate

If you're like...

me a total shit house house rat and fucking miserable and I pray to all the pharmacies that you aren't, then you're just creaming your dump pants over the goddamn holidays.

Christmas proved to not be as painful as in years past. But I prepared with half a bar of Xanax and a "few" glasses of champagne, before I watched my siblings partake in their yearly celebration of Christ orgy of consumption.

A certain member of my family kept going on an on about how we were going to "keep it simple" this year. I think we need to reevaluate just what the fuck "simple" means, because it turned into a material blowout with cash spraying from the rafters, all paid for on credit I'm sure. It's the American "way."

Anyway, the day after Christmas is going down in history for some intense DDs (debilitating depression). At first it wasn't so bad, and then the restlessness kicked in. I did some yoga and drank some chamomile tea was "forced" to take half a bottle of pain pills and wash them down with Vodka.

I know you pigs are like, "get to the fucking point, you goddamn sad pig bitch." So, here is the point, from now on I'm going to focus on "celebrating" the special pigs in my life, and not just obsessing about hooking them up with the perfect gift, covered in the sweat of the slaves child workers that made it.

In this spirit, I'd like you all to enjoy this video below. It's the sweetest goddamn thing I've seen all year. Pay special attention to the 0:18 mark. God bless and may the year to come billow with TRASH goodness!

Thanks Angela

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

There is nothing like an 80s Christmas whore to really get the holidays started. You can tell that this slut loves to do some serious baking. According to my "sources," her secret ingredient is chunks of feces from her acrylic nails.

I'm not sure about your family, but this is such a "special" time of year for mine. I'm working on a few new official slogans for Christmas.

1. Christmas: Bankrupting the Middle Class for over 6 decades.

2. Christmas: A really shitty reason to forcibly encounter all the morons you spend the rest of the year avoiding.

3. Christmas: That special time of year when pigs' try to cover up those painful emotional scars with cheap bullshit from overseas.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this adorable pig and former member of the female gender. I had the pleasure of running into this sow at a truck stop in Oklahoma. You might be asking yourself, "what the fuck is this sick bitch doing in Oklahoma?" I actually went to buy some retards for my torture chamber for "work."

Anyway, I was cracked the fuck out on a diet pill and needed to pull over to piss in the sink use the ladies' room. And on my way in, I saw the fucking monster above, who also happened to catch me taking pics. I played it off like I was answering the phone and said my usual, "sell all my shares."

Well, on closer inspection of the denim tubes (jeans?) covering the mounds of fat extending from "her" hips to the ground, I happened to notice a slight discoloration on the rear of jeans. I decided to pig the fuck out at the Burger King inside the truck stop, all the while fighting back an erection as mayonnaise dripped down my chin. I daydreamed about the fabulous life we could share together, one filled with endless amounts of questionable anal hygiene.

I consider myself an expert in all varieties of stains. According to my "sources," this stain was most probably fecal in nature with just a splash of urine. I'm going to start ordering a cocktail with a similar description,"...and I'll have the usual, some vodka with just a splash of shit..."

Blowing your pants up is right up there with being a Mormon on the scale of embarrassing shit. I do feel as if I've let all you skanky pigs down by not providing a profile pic, but at that point I was fighting for my life. But once I made it inside, I was put at ease by the fabulous selection of Native American "art" on display. And by Native American, I really mean it was made by small children in China. Gas station "collectibles" are a great gift if you'd like the recipient to seriously contemplate suicide. They also help weigh trailers down during tornadoes.

I was really...

crunk a few nights ago. I was "forced" to take some pain pills to treat my desperate unrequited emo love for my back and "accidentally" washed them down with vodka. It was all a horrible "misunderstanding."

So, the next morning I was digging through the empty pizza boxes and pill bottles on my bed looking for my phone so I could check my email. I finally found it under a poem titled Sad Pig, that I'd written in melted butter and mascara tears the previous night.

Anyway, I had a ton of emails from iTunes, thanking me for purchasing a bunch of shitty songs. This shit happens to me all the time, but I barfed some Xanax chunks through my nose when I came across a certain purchase. Apparently, in the depths of my darkest hours, while blacked out (time traveling), I'd purchased the new Susan Boyle album.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This definitely counts as a White Trash Weekend Confessional (WTWF). I've been a big supporter of this sad pig since she did the splits on that shiteous tv show. What's worse, my Susan Boyle confession or my love of Amy Grant?

Did you happen to see the pics from her most recent meltdown? She was mobbed by a bunch of fans and resorted to sucking her thumb to deal with the situation. That's my kind of nutty pig. Get it bitch! God, I love Brit Trash!

I had just...

dropped my family (yes, I have one, but they hate me) off at the airport and was back on my way home, when I came across this dream catcher, surely sent by Trash Angels to bring comfort to all droolers.

The local "airport" is in the middle of fucking nowhere and you have to drive through these really shitty towns to get there. I almost ran off the road when I saw this piece of absolute fucking shit. And it's really a shame that I didn't, because some snake handlin' Pentecostals were just getting out of church and I probably could have taken out a few dozen of those miserable pigs.

Have you ever noticed that the men that run these disgusting cults are always sporting shit eating grins, while their sad slaves wives always look like Terri Schiavo on a bad day. I might find it particularly hard to smile if I was dragging one of those butt fucking ugly denim ensembles around.

Anyway, I pulled off the road to take these pics and I kid you not, this dream catcher was the size of a goddamn trailer. I sat in front of it for hours, hoping that it would catch all my shitty karma, but by the number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office, it's not working.

I know this...

shit is old news, but in case any of you didn't see, I'm going to post it anyway. This kid is fucking awesome. He's from a really shitty town that's not that far from my own disgusting dump of a hometown.

Sometimes our country can be so fucking white trash, and by sometimes I mean almost all the goddamn time. It's nice to see this kid standing up for something so important.

Being on the wrong side of history is white trash and the hijacking of the Republican party by ultra white trash Christian Evangelicals was a really hot move. These pigs are beyond boring. I can understand the whole not wanting to pay taxes thing, but everything else is really involves fucking those that need it the most.

And speaking of boring fucks, check out the really hot license plate above. Can you see what it says? It says, "RU4GOD?" WTF is wrong with these drooling pigs?!?! What I'm for, is for you to mind your own goddamn business and shut the fuck up.

As some of...

you might know, I'm obsessed with really disgusting maladies like yeast infections, crabs, etc. The vagina (mysterious rotting lady cave) has always bewildered me. So, when my lady friends tell me that something really fucked up with their lady parts, I lap it up (cute pun).

Anyway, during a conservation on the topic of yeast infections, my lady friend told me a story about her grandmother. Now, for a little background, this is one of those trashy granny's that I absolutely die for. You know, 4 packs of cigarettes a day, farting in public, always sporting disastrous hair compliments of some blind students at the local beauty school, a total class act.

Well, she told me that when her granny used to get yeast infections back in the day, that she would always treat them with some natural remedies. I asked her to delve deeper into these "remedies" and what she told me has me fucking ill.

So, when her granny had a bad case of rotten crotch, she would shove buckets of yogurt in her pussy. Are you fucking kidding!? Apparently, she believes that the "good bacteria" in yogurt would combat the bad shit gnawing on her beaver. Well, we have a big problem and I have a few questions.

1. Just how much yogurt are we talking about?
2. What was the method of delivery (knowing this lady, I'm thinking a snow shovel or an old ketchup bottle)?
3. How long does the yogurt stay in; days, weeks, months?
4. And how the fuck does she get it out? Cute queef.
5. And does she reuse the yogurt after her blowout?

This fucked up story really made my day and in the spirit of this nasty ass grandma, I'm going to attempt to recreate her adorable remedy. I'm thinking the 10th floor balcony of a hotel would be the perfect place to try out my experiment. Fuck, I hope there is a nativity scene below that I can aim for.

Thanks Melissa

I am currently...

under the influence of massive amounts of pain killers, enough to make Cindy McCain queef vicodin slime on her Sarah Palin voodoo doll. Thank God for strep throat. I must have gotten it from some bad truck stop dick all the volunteer work I do. Anyway, I haven't updated this piece of shit in forever and assumed that it was just about over.

However, some really fucked up gutterbutt shit has happened in the last few days and I feel that it must be shared with all my wonderful pigs.

And from now on, I'll probably only be able to update Trash Heaven once a week, if that. I'm sorry pigs, but I've decided to get another degree (my 10th). I'm mainly doing this to annoy several close friends. Secondly, as most of you are surely aware of, my debilitating depression keeps me from more traditional forms of employment.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

This "lady" is fucking adorable. The cigarette, the cameltoe, it's all too much for me. Those cotton shorts are fabulous. I'm sure they really show off her crotch sweat on a hot summer day.

And can you see that poor dog in the background? He's thinking, "God, this place is a fucking dump and my owner is such an old white trash whore."

Today's blog is...

brought to you by balut. It's basically a fucked up fertilized egg and is considered a "delicacy." I'm sure! A friend of mine eats this nasty shit with his family during the holidays. Adorable. We can file this under "cute culture."

This clip is fucking sick. I'm not sure if I should fuck a Jerry's Kid or rub my dick on the Book of Mormon.

Thanks Sean & Panda

I'm a really...

big music snob, and a snob in general, therefore, I can't stand John Mayer. He grosses me the fuck out. And he does that gross sex/taking a shit face when he plays guitar. Bleh.

Anyway, someone sent me this clip of one of his pig fans, really rocking out to his shitty music (0:10 mark). Poor thing. I'd like to tell "her" that everything is going to be just fine, but that would probably be a lie.

And is it just me, or does this pig look like the long lost twin of Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs?

Thanks Beau

Have you ever...

been to Proctor, Minnesota? Sounds like a fucking dump. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the suicide rate there is off the charts. Anyway, Dennis LeRoy Anderson, was arrested there last month for peeling out shitfaced in a motorized La-Z-Boy.

Really? You might be white trash if your piss soaked recliner just happens to be motorized. Check out the old whore in the clip below. She was doing a wheelie (0:25 mark) on the recliner at the time of the arrest. I'm fucking sure.

Thanks Frank

I want to...

know what the fuck is wrong with Wynonna Judd? I know this country pig has gained and lost hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds a la Oprah (Have you seen her show lately? She's fucking huge). Trust me, I feel her pig pain.

However, her addiction to melted butter and raw hamburger meat does not explain this RuPaul / Melissa Etheridge hybrid super sow ensemble.

Just look at her trashy fucked up mom. I'm obsessed with her. If you got an addictions to pills and/or plastic surgery, then I'm your fucked up pig. I love RICH WHITE TRASH! I would bob for their rotten tampons in a fucked up a litter box.

I hope you enjoy the clip below. I've violently sobbed to this song while eating pizza after pizza seen a dozen drag queens perform this number over the years. When I hear it, it always makes me think of busted assholes, broken dreams, and pantyhose dripping in ball sweat.

Just look at...

these pregnant pigs. Pregnant bitches makes me violently ill. When I see kids screaming and acting fucking insane, I always like to tap the "mother" on the shoulder and say, "too late to abort?"

Anyway, this adorable mother/daughter combo, both have those "things" growing in them from riding the CDE (Cum Dumpster Express). They also have swine flu. Fucking gross. And you know that they put their cigarettes out right before the cameras started rolling.

I'm not totally convinced that the daughter is even pregnant. Frankly, she just looks like a fucking pig to me.

Thanks Jon

I swear on...

all the retards locked up in my basement pills in my wig drawer, that I'm going to queef shrimp flavored snot, if fucking Carrie Prejean doesn't disappear. I can't remember if this low rent slut is already on the "Just Die" list or not, but it's time. This bitch is such a waste of space, that I feel sorry for her terds. However, she would be a fabulous contestant in a yeast infection sniffing contest.

Make sure there aren't any old people in the room when you watch this clip, because you'll want to beat the fuck out of someone. She was on Larry King last night to sling her shitty "book," QUEEFN' JESUS: THE MEMOIR OF A WHORE. This fucking skank says that Sarah Palin is her hero. Really pig?!? Talk about a kennel packed full of boring bitches.

Is Prejean a bigger fraud that Palin? Can you imagine the bullshit dripping out of these books? What about all the slow Christian trash shitting in their butt ugly denim ensembles, in anticipation of Prejean's literary "masterpiece." And by masterpiece, I mean a study in drooling fraudulent Christian white trash.

Check out the 2:15 mark. Larry takes a call from a pagent loving renegade queen and Prejean attempts to peel the fuck out. Fucking hilarious!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Breaking "News!"

Due to the "overwhelming" response regarding Terri's last breath, I've decided to continue on with this shitty blog. A part of me wants to jack off with with a bucket of nursing home snot build a new basement to chain up some of my more mentally challenged friends.

Anyway, I'm sorry to all the precious "people" out there that got nervous about the blog. Oh and just a little note to you fucked up pigs. You guys are fucking sick. If my mother ever got a hold of Trash Heaven, she would have one of her slaves break into my trailer and torch my entire collection of Joan Collins memorabilia.

I'll try and sling some fucked up shit for you bitches in the next few days. And if the precious pig below can be "happy," can't we all? Ha!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

It is with...

great "sadness" that I announce the death of Trash Heaven. It's just over. I'm wearing my new 24XL hogdress with an airbrushed picture of Terri Schiavo that says, "it is finished."

I need to take some time off and deal with this debilitating depression. Everything would be fine if Candy Spelling would just reply to my fucking fan mail.

I have a "feeling" that it's going to be a really rough winter. Look for me on the next season of Big Medicine. Kirstie Alley and Carnie Wilson have destroyed me via their calorie orgy. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow after my gastric bypass consultation.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

If you're like...

me, a bored lonely pig and enjoy fucking around on youtube for endless hours, then you'll eventually run across some really adorable pigs. These "people" will provide ample evidence that Natural Selection isn't working.

Anyway, the sow above looks like the long lost twin of Sloth from the The Goonies, and he's absolutely butchered one of my favorite Amy Grant songs. Yes, I used to be obsessed with Amy Grant and have been to five of her concerts like Amy Grant. I'm a sad pig!

This sow has blocked the video, so I can't embed it. Click here to watch this tragic rendition of I Will Remember You.

Take a second during this shiteous number, to check out all the horrible decorations. It looks like this was filmed in the lobby of a nursing home. The smell of a nursing home always makes me want to get my dick out vomit.

What is the...

deal with white trash and their fucking pets? Just look at these boring fuckers. If you saw them crying at church during this song, you'd never know that they were also getting pounded by their pet monkeys. I bet that bitch's Old Testament is covered in monkey jizz.

Do you remember that one nutty bitch, that was fucking the chimp named Travis? And then one day Travis flipped the fuck out and tried to eat that crazy old whore. Cute tombstone, "Fucked & Eaten By Renegade Chimp."

As some of...

you know, there is a very special place in my "heart" reserved for lesbians. They're just so goddamn sweet, nothing at all like any of the evil fucked up queens I know.

Anyway, if there is a special lady licker in your "life," and you can't think of anything to get "her" for the holidays, one of the necklaces above will do just fine.

According to my "sources," these pendants come scented to mimic some of your favorite vaginal maladies. Some even squirt tartar sauce, perfect for that office Christmas party from hell. And be sure to look for the clit lice pendant coming this Easter (HE is risen)!

Thanks Pig

Friday, October 16, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I hope these fucking losers are Christians, otherwise, they have a lot of explaining to do.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this angry redneck's mullet. Do all the "people" with mullets, know that they've got a fucking mullet? I'm kind of confused, because if you did, would you continue to fuck with the world via your gross white trash coif?

The only thing I'd like to do with this mullet, is braid it while he fucks a dog reads the Bible.

Thanks Joe

If you're a...

fucking pig, it's probably not a good idea to wear tight jeans. I've had to give up almost all my denim, except a few of my elastic pig pieces.

Anyway, the pig above is in desperate need of a tailor that can hook "her" up with a 25XL denim masterpiece.

For Macy

If you're like...

me, a total pig and have an account at Bank of America, you might be concerned by what the manager of my local branch is driving. Was it really worth pimping out this piece of shit for business? Maybe this is part of their "urban" strategy.

Thanks Mario

A very dear...

queen friend of mine, recently sent me this pic. As some of you know, I'm a HUGE fan of white trash bumper stickers. Abortion bumper stickers are always such a delight. They really make you stop and "think."

Anyway, this made me think of a few dumb fucking morons that I know. I'm going to make a bumper sticker for their mothers, that says, "MY KIDS A FUCKING MORON, I SHOULD HAVE ABORTED THAT SKANK."

Thanks Nate

I can almost...

relate to this poor pig. Not in size (yet), but in the humiliation of passing out and people fucking with you.

Something horrible like this, happened to me last summer. Some massive queens friends were over at my house and we were beyond wasted. I'm talking Elizabeth Taylor/Cindy McCain wasted, totally fucked.

Well, apparently I blacked out and decided to do a few laps in the pool. A perfect time for a swim. Anyway, I finally came to sometime in the middle of the night, covered in candy wrappers and with a massive hangover.

The next morning, both of my "friends" had shit eating grins. After a few Xanax, they admitted to violating the "sanctity" of my body while putting me to bed.

Apparently, they'd done a close "inspection" of my lady parts while I was blacked out/time traveling. I told them my pussy was fucked up, but they just didn't take my word for it. They've been in counseling ever since. Fucking bitches.

For Matt & Shane

A friend of...

mine sent me this clip, and it's all I can do not to put my head in the goddamn oven. Unfortunately for you all, my oven is electric, so it would only melt my face.

Anyway, this regards Glenn Beck, that quivering Republican piece of "Christian" cult trash. Watch this clip and try not to kill yourself. It's fucking awful. What a giant pussy. I hope his wife barfs on their Book of Mormon after watching this. Does he not have any shame? Always sobbing on tv about dumb shit. Get a life, pig.

The damage this conservative piece of shit has done is incalculable. All the bullshit he's fed to the throngs of white trash that listen to him. What a bunch of fucking morons. Burn in HELL, pigs!!!

Thanks Jon

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

I love this whole ensemble, it really frames her cameltoe. And that shitty framed 8x10 on the wall is so fucking tacky. Small framed pictures and cameltoes are classic signs of being white trash.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by this pig's adorable smile. A "friend" is mine is about to have some hemorrhoids cut out. Why spend thousands of dollars at the doctor, when you could just have this gross bitch come over and toss your salad (makes sure and eat 5 cups of Wendy's chili 12 hours before). After one session, those hemmys would be shredded like salad bar ham chunks.

Have you ever...

seen a monster sow, fucking up a fast food drive-thru, on a rascal? The bitch above is magnificent and should be the new mound of fat "face" of Burger King.

If you know this pig, will you contact your local authorities, to do an emergency analysis of her plumbing? I bet this bitch takes such massive shits, that she could have them circumcised.

I'm going to use this opportunity, to reintroduce everyone to Ariel Wade. If you'll remember, Ariel is the pig of questionable gender that was turned away from a White Castle.

Thanks Daniel

Boot(s) of the week

You could really make a statement in any of these fabulous boots. They look to be about a mens size 14, which means we're probably talking about some balls in pantyhose action, a personal favorite.

I'm coming out with a line of "energy drinks," made from chode sweat collected from discarded thongs/pantyhose.

Thanks Sean

As some of...

you know, nothing kills me more than a really shitty wedding. The loser pigs above are making me extra suicidal today. I'm going to fucking shit in Gatorade cooler at the Special Olympics if I see one more pig with bare shoulders. Cover that shit up, you gross bitch.

With the "power" invested in me by the Choctaw "Nation," I know pronounce you boring white trash.

Thanks Will

Do you remember...

the Country Queens? I'm talking about the beloved Nick Tarlton and Jesse Hilton. Their gay love radiates from the trailer parks hills of North Caroline and revolts touches us all.

Anyway, during our debilitating depression, we've lost touch with the Country Queens. They are always in our thoughts.

Well, a friend sent us this fabulous portrait of them. Click here to stay on top of all their fuckery. And I'd like to finish with a clip from Scandals, the most fabulous gay bar in all of creation.

Thanks Matt

Are you having...

trouble finding a gift for that special pig in your life, that has everything? If so, you might need to invest in these bacon boots. These are perfect shoes for tap dancing on mounds of shit in a litter box.

As some of you might know, bacon is one of my favorite lubes snacks. It gives my coif a radiant shine. Anyway, watch the clip below of this feisty little up and coming country queen. His love for bacon is unmatched. What a little pig. Also, please take a minute to take in all the hideous "decorations." Cloth sectionals galore!

Thanks Frank & Beau

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Glamour shot of the day

Nothing says "old whore" like white shorts choking on a cameltoe. Have another drink/pill, pig.