Friday, October 31, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

Those better be fake roses with plastic dew drops. That shit kills me! So trashy! This was taken on the floor at Sears. So seductive.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the Second Amendment, responsible for redneck bliss for over 200 years. Y'all have to check out my new grenade launcher...for "deer hunting."

This shitty letter...

has been forwarded to me at least ten times. I think it's elitist and stupid. To start with, our country is blanketed with trash from coast to coast. There are beacons of light here and there, but TRASH is King. Think how fabulous NYC is? What about Queens and the Bronx? I'm sure the person that wrote this, was enjoying a mocha with soy milk and wearing a fucking PETA shirt. Who the fuck are you? Have you been to Philly? Have you been to Baltimore? If I had a piece of pizza for every bullet-ridden Taurus on the East coast, I could feed my "friend" Andrea for a week. The part that really killed me was about the "best beaches." I'm sure. The Jersey Shore? What do you think? Is it accurate? Am I trashy?

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Reddies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies..

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

It's time for...

some more Country Queen action. They are back for their third Q&A with Trash Heaven. Terri is trying to work out the logistics with her trash angels to go visit the Country Queens. I want to film the meeting for a special on Lifetime.

Have you heard...

of Waterworks? A friend of mine with a rotten crotch just ordered it. I've decided to also try it out. According to their website, "Some vaginal infections such as Bacterial Vaginosis can cause vaginal odor (a fishy smell)."

I've had two different friends that were blue ribbon winners at the fair for having rotten pussies.

Friend 1: Overall a truly disgusting individual. She started fucking while I was still at home tearing up my Nintendo. One night when we were wasted, she jumped on me and gave me this sick lap dance. I had my hands on my crotch to protect myself from her cavernous pussy. When she was finally done with me, I could smell something and my mouth started to water. I raised my hand to my nose, the one that she had rubbed her sick crotch on. They smelled like ROTTEN FISH! I got up and ran to the bathroom to barf. I didn't make it, and most of it got on her grandma's hymnal. This has always haunted me. How can a smell travel through denim and deposit itself on something else? I'm ill!

Friend 2: This only happened a few years ago. I was watching a movie with some friends and in the dark something unholy and rotten caught my attention. I couldn't figure out what it was, but it smelled just like a fist full of pennies combined with seafood, like some rotten clams. After the movie, my friend had me pull over at a gas station. She was in the bathroom forever. When she finally got back in the car she said, "sorry, I had to change my tampon, it was swollen and dripping." The pieces of the puzzle came together in my head. I smiled, but was dead on the inside.

It's time to...

check in with Jesse Heart. He's just so fucked, a total shit house rat. Check out his movies. I bet his parents are chained up in the basement. He goes down there, grills up a few rats, throws on a shitty wig and breaks it down for them. Alfred Hitchock would have been all over this skank.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Comment of the day

Listen you bitch. I featured her on Oct 8, but it was different fucking glamour shot. BLEH!

sybarite26 said...
I believe that you've already featured this stank whore.

I trust Trash Heaven to provide me with the finest in first-run filth.

And though I understand you're a flaming liberal, It distresses me to see you recycling your trash.

Glamour shot of the day

This is one of my favorite bitches. Look at those gloves, I bet they're greased up and ready to fuck you up. And that goddamn bow!

I want you...

to check out the second part of Jesse Hilton's recent shoot at SCANDALS in Asheville, NC. Jesse is fucking it up like Cindy McCain at a Mexican pharmacy. The video also features a candid interview with our beloved Nick Tarlton. We've got our fingers crossed at Trash Heaven, that we will be able to visit SCANDALS sometime in the very near future!

Have you ever...

heard of Mohegan Sun? The South has gotten such a bad name from all the redneck activity that goes on there, not to mention Slavery. Don't let the Blue states fool you, they're trashy too.

I first became interested in Mohegan Sun while watching a video of fat Deidra pigging out at one of their casino buffets. It's has a Native American theme. I give you, The Casino of the Wind!

According to their website, "The decor is Native American in style in many aspects. The artwork throughout the casino and the structural design has Native American feel. In addition, several mechanical wolves stand high atop rock structures inside the gaming areas that occasionally sit back and howl lightly."

I went through the roof when I found out that there are animatronic wolves that howl when someone hits the jackpot. I would die! Gambling is so goddamn trashy, the perfect tribal revenge. Let the spirit of the wolf lead you towards bankruptcy.

The election is...

only a few days away. Rednecks across the country are flipping the fuck out. Gun sales are up, trailer park violence has hit an all time high, followed by car accidents involving the majestic Ford Taurus. The disgusting zealot "preachers" that are spewing hate at their shitty churches. I'm so ill!

I wish everyone would just chill the fuck out. Cute brains! Your trailer is still going to be a trailer after the election. You and your shitty family are still going to be nasty and gross, so just relax, fuck.

Today's blog is...

brought to you by Beth Chapman, the "beautiful" and "elegant" 5th wife of Duane Lee Chapman, commonly known as Dog the Bounty Hunter. They are beautiful together and really represent the undying American "spirit."

Beth recently competed in the Pussy Olympics, where she received an honorary medal for being a great stepmom to the following: Duane Lee, Leland, Zebediah (dead), Wesley, J.R., Barbara Katie (dead), Tucker Dee, and "Baby" Lyssa. Beth is the biological mother of Bonnie Jo and Garry.

From here on out, I want all my "friends" to call me Bonnie Jo. It's a beautiful name, kind of sounds aristocratic. Anyway, the following quote is one of my favorites and is between Dog and J.R., "I was born with a mental condition," and Dog replied, "So was I, son." This is weird, because I've had this same conversation with my dad!

Dog's dick has to be like a Taurus with 500,000 miles on it. How much longer can it go? All those white trash kids and the conveyor belt of redneck pussy! Hopefully Beth rubs dry ice on his dick and balls to kill all the bugs before she fucks him.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

Nothing makes me more ill than tacky shit like this. It reminds me of the carnal acts responsible for my own misery. "Your little brother or sister is growing inside of mommy. Can you feel it kicking? Do you know what daddy did to mommy to make this happen?" BLEH!!! If a troll child asked me about mommy and daddy fucking, I would show them the video below, starting at the 2:00 mark.

Someone sent me...

a recipe for a Kitty Litter cake. Fucking sick. First of all, I only know how to cook met...I mean muffins. Litter boxes have always made me deathly ill. I used to be "friends" with this really skanky bitch in college. She had a really fucked up cat with scabs on it's back.

Anyway, she would hardly ever clean out the goddamn litter box. It was like a mountain of shit. You could always smell it through her trashy perfume and all the weed smoke.

The video below is really old, but this pig really knows how to tear shit up. Skip to the :55 mark to watch "her" in action.

I just can't...

take it anymore. This shit is so depressing. I had to hit up the liquor store for the second time today. You're know you're white trash when the people at the liquor store know your name. Anyway, more of the same redneck racist bullshit coming from McCain supporters. Cute constituency! These enlightened comments are coming from Pennsylvania, or as a friend of mine likes to call it, Pennsyltucky.

These "people" are giving white trash a bad name. All my redneck brothers and sisters out there need to stand up against this crazy bullshit. Some of my favorite quotes from this clip, "If you associate with a terrorist, you are a terrorist" and "he ain't gonna be my president" and "look how them Arabs treat theirselves, it'll be the same here."

It's time to...

check in with the Country Queens. My life has felt even more empty than usual, without their daily presence. The video below is from Jesse's most recent photo shoot at SCANDALS, the club that Terri and all her friends hope to visit someday very soon.

Check out Jesse's fierce boots, you could fuck someone up with one of those.

You know you've...

left your mark on the country, when drag queens start dressing up like you. And by mark, I mean what looks like a melted king size Snickers in pair of briefs, that a retarded kid has really fucked up. I'm talking about the gorgeous intellectual, known as Gov. Sarah Palin. She's really ignited passion in the hearts of rednecks from coast to coast.

Hopefully McCain will suffer a humiliating defeat and can go back to being Cindy's full time pharmacist. Even so, I have a feeling that Palin has been made a permanent ambassador to white trash. However, I hear that she does have a killer recipe for moose dick sausage.

Jesse Heart might...

be the ugliest fuck I've ever seen. His poor little dog must be terrified. Jesse looks like a combination of Gargamel and Pugsley Adams.

I have to get to the bottom of this identity crisis. It's fucking killing me. The same thing keeps going through my head as I look on in horror, "it places the lotion in the basket."

What the fuck is up with that crazy wig? Viking princess or serial killer? And don't think I didn't see both of those goddamn dream catchers! I think they might be working a little too well. Should I contact the authorities?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I kind of like this picture, God I'm white trash. Anyway, this is actually some skank's Facebook profile pic. Kind of intimate. I think she was in the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.

Some queens are...

just so fucking stupid. When will it end? I'll be the first one to say that Sarah Palin is a dumb redneck bitch, but these queens might have gone a little too far. I urge you to watch the video, it features a bevy of moron queens. Their "art" is so "deep," and they really add to the "dialogue" about race and gender in America.

It's time to...

check in with Cindy McCain. As you all know, I'm totally obsessed with her and I've decided to model my "life" after hers. It look like her husband's "attempt" at the presidency just isn't going to work out. Cindy needs to get rid of him and focus on herself/me!

She needs to drink more champagne and take more pills! In the following clip, she talks about her pain pill addiction, as if it were some kind of a problem! I'm sure!

Is everything ok?

I'd like you to meet Jesse Heart. You can't judge a book by it's cover. I know your first impulse might be to vomit or to drive a minivan through a daycare, but give this "girl" a chance.

I'm not sure if I have room in my life for another Jesse, but I'm going to try. I have a feeling that Miss Heart didn't got enough attention growing up. She's fucking adorable, that's for sure.

Thanks Nick

It's really been...

too long and I feel as if I've neglected one of my very special pigs. Taylor the Hutt is back for a new edition of Pigs & Queens.

As some of you know, I've been using my "contacts" in hopes of getting her a cooking/reality show. She is legendary in the South, for what she can do with a stick of butter. She's even smuggled some onto a plane, I'll let you guess how.

The picture below has caused me to go into an even deeper depression. Not only can you see her whiskers, but that fucking queen is about to do me in, that dick eating smile! They both have been tearing up Crisco flavored white strips, but to no avail!

I don't think...

these two racist redneck white trash pigs, need to worry about being inducted into Mensa anytime soon. I'm sure you've already heard about them, but I'm kind of barfing over just how ambitious their plan was. First of all, they wanted to kill 88 people (I'm fucking sure) and of those 88, they were going to decapitate 14.

That's it? Only 14 decapitations? Pussies. Cute goal. Oh ya, and at the end of their rampage, they planned on taking out Obama. White power/trash!

I can see them driving around their miserable town, in a 1978 piss soaked rusty station wagon, with cigarette burns. Typical angry white trash. Well, now they can go be angry white trash behind bars. Some of the prison games they can look forward to: Princess Prison Wife (a pesonal fav) and Easy-Bake Oven Cum Dumpster Cupcakes, compliments of their 500 lb cell mates.

As some of...

you know, I'm obsessed with Carnie Wilson. She's the star of a reoccurring nightmare I have, involving a Chinese buffet and a conveyer belt. Anyway, she's on the cover of OK this week, to talk about her goddamn weight loss. If I had a dollar for every pound that bitch has lost and gained, well for one, I wouldn't be writing this shitty blog.

I'm so sick of fucking Carnie Wilson. I prefer her extremely miserable and gross, that way we have something in common. Did you see her beaver shot from Playboy? It's fucking sick. And just look at that goddamn hat. That alone, is grounds for execution.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Country Queen's...

are back! I've been getting emails asking about them. Here is Jesse, tearing it up on his way to a photoshoot.

My favorite pig...

just got married! I'm talking about Manuel Uribe, he travels exclusively by bed, something I look forward to someday. When I die, I want to be cremated and made into lube, to be used by Mr. & Mrs. Uribe.

Glamour shot of the day

I've decided that Cindy McCain is one of the fiercest bitches alive, kind of like Elizabeth Taylor, but just not as crunk. She had me at the first rattle of her pill bottle. I feel like she might even be my mom and that some kind of sick joke has been played on me for the last twenty something years. Before I went to sleep last night, I kissed my Xanax bottle and my framed picture of Cindy.

I've found the...

epicenter of whitetrashdom online, the Confederate Battle Flag Store. This site is adorable. They're really trying to corner every aspect of the redneck market. Mission accomplished!

Today's blog is...

brought to you by the beauty and power of Dance Ministry. I can't imagine a better vessel to glorify God, than Whitney Houston. I'm sure she was smoking crack and going down on Bobby Brown between takes. Look for the miracle at the 1:57 mark. I urge you to watch the full Whitney Houston interview.

Have you heard...

of Plan B? I'm obsessed with it. Plan B is the morning after pill that sends so many Christians into the streets, crying for their sweet baby Jesus. Two different friends (yes, I have friends) have come to me recently with stories involving Plan B, and I wanted to share them with all of you.

Story 1:

My lady friend was at the pharmacy picking up "nerve" pills. There was a really skanky pig in front of her. I'm talking bongo jeans, fat, tank top, and sporting some chunky white K-Swiss. This pig was asking the pharmacist if she could have a dose of Plan B. The pharmacist said, "have you ever taken the morning after pill before." To which the pig responded, "oh yeah, a bunch of times."

Story 2:

My other lady friend had an all night roast-a-thon, Old Testament style. The type where the bed ends up in the living room. The kind of fuck fest where you have to make some chicken broth because you're so weak afterwards. She tore her poor pussy up so bad, that it was like a shredded tire and she was forced to use a Rascal at work. Her beaver was so crunk, that when she lowered herself into the bath, she heard a searing sound like meat on the grill. Anyway, I think you get the point. So, after her night of paint peeling debauchery, she bonged some Plan B, just to be on the safe side.