Tuesday, September 30, 2008

RWT

Sometimes I think she's doing it on purpose. Britney does a great job of representing the "people" of Louisiana. And in upholding that tradition, she always looks like shit. Nothing kills me more than RWT (rich white trash). I know she blew a lot of money when she was the Queen of the shithouserats last year. I have a feeling she's got enough left over to splurge on some highlights and a trip to the fucking dermatologist.

It actually looks like you could wring her hair out. I'd like to get a set of really long sick acrylics and give her a scalp massage. You could just flick the grease off when your done, like chunks of vaseline.



Glamour shot of the day

The first thing that comes to my mind when I look at this pic...what a shitty tie. Geometric patterns are trashy!

If this doesn't turn your loser husband on, then you're fucked. This would be a cute Christmas card or a nice outfit to wear while picking your skanky kids up from school.

There is a...

site on the internet devoted to the magnificent Ford Festiva. The Festiva is possibly the shittiest car ever. Apparently there are Festiva clubs all around the country. I'm not really sure what exactly these "people" are competing for. Maybe to see who has the greasiest mullet or the most retarded kids. Jesus fucking Christ...Ford makes such shitty cars!

Maybe I'm just a MORON, but this shit kills me! Earlier, I had the oven open, gas going and I was about to slide in, but these videos kept me going. Thank you Festiva, just like the Lord, you "saved" me.









I'd like you...

to meet Alexis Arquette, the tranny "sister" of the shiteous Arquette acting family. I'm not sure if it still has a dick or not. But with that train wreck face, it might be time to just shut everything down and cut if off.

I don't want to include Alexis/Robert in the Tranny Nightmare series, that is really reserved for your everyday average Ford Taurus driving tranny that lives in the suburbs.



I've always been...

obsessed with Kirstie Alley, even through the hundreds and hundreds of pounds gained and lost, but mainly gained. I feel her pain in a very deep way a la Carnie Wilson. I'm going to rant about that stupid pig later on.

However, she always looks like shit and is a member of a fucking cult. CULTS are so TRASHY!! She is supposed to be a fabulous cook and is always making massive meals and delicious treats. Thank fucking God that I don't know how to cook, the battle is already hard enough.

I fantasize about Kirstie stuck in her house for weeks at a time, covered in food from head to toe, with cakes and pies everywhere. A true Hog's delight.

The second picture is old, but I want it along with a long list of other trashy shit, placed in my coffin.



Breaking "News!"

The star of the white trash wedding post, actually saw her pretty face on Trash Heaven. I felt bad momentarily and then I remembered the time she kicked me in the balls. I hate to admit it, but yes, I've actually met her in person. Am I a bad person? Should I feel horrible. Fuck that!

However, the fact that there is literally an ocean between us, helps me sleep better at night. If "she" were closer to me, then I'd only travel in an armored car with bodyguards.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I'd like you to meet another adorable grandma, what an old slut.

I just can't...

get over the ultra tackiness of a dream catcher. As I've said before, they make the perfect house warming gift. I recommend that every room in your house (or trailer) feature at least one of these divinely inspired creations.

Never Forget!

Never Forget is a new segment that I'd like to introduce to Trash Heaven. These are important moments in the history of TRASH that I don't want anyone to forget! The video speaks for itself.

Are you on...

Facebook? If you are, then you really need to add Trash Heaven's two mascots, Edna Faye & Bobbi Jo Jenkins. They are symbolic of everything TRASHY!

Edna Faye's Facebook profile

Bobbi Jo's Facebook profile

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Time to really...

analyze this video. I've been consumed by it all weekend and can no longer hold my my tongue. To start with, this video is now the official crown jewel of Trash Heaven. How could it get any better than this? The white trash "lady" is a star and needs her own radio show. Rush Limbaugh has to be all over this crazy shit!

This should act as a reminder to everyone about how fucked up and sick "real" Americans are. This crazy bitch and her meth mouth friend make most of the rednecks I know, look like royalty. And thank god she had that cigarette in her hand the entire time. If anyone knows her address, will you please send it to me. I'm ready to propose and she's the one!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Glamour shot(s) of the day

The joy on their faces is making me so ill, I can't even touch my third dinner. I can only imagine the shitty joke the "photographer" told them. Am I a monster for being so appalled at their "joy?"

This week's blog...

is brought to you by skanky white trash fingernails. Imagine the petri dish living under those adorable nails.

Losers of the week!

This is really an adorable couple. I'm not totally sure, but from what I can tell, they like to pig the fuck out. And not just your every once in awhile hog's delight. The kind of pig out that can only take place at a buffet in the South, where you sit in silence and take out your emotions on plate after plate.


I'd like you...

to meet "Brenda." Isn't "she" adorable? "Brenda" is the 6th installment in the Tranny Nightmare series. I kind of feel sorry for her, maybe because she's butt ugly. I think "Brenda" should have stuck with Bobby. Poor thing.

On a side note, do you think Tranny's ever use tampons just to go through the motions? It's something to think about.

As some of...

you know, I'm obsessed with Trashy weddings. I mean OBSESSED! Most wedding are so goddamn tacky that it just kills me. Well, I've really struck gold this time and it might get me into some trouble. I think this pig has torn up Trash Heaven a time or two, imagine scrolling through my blog, laughing at all the rednecks and then you come to a post about YOU!

I'll let you look at the pics and decide for yourself. To start with, nobody had on shoes, and the bride's fucking dogs were walked down the aisle!






To my skanky...

surprise, I've been getting hundreds of hits lately on my shitty blog. I didn't realize the demand for TRASH was so great. Why don't you help a gross bitch out and let your friends know about Trash Heaven. I've been looking for a reason to drop out of grad school.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Terri's Tips - Blaine's Bugs

Check out my weekly guest blog on Soihavethisfriend for the latest installment of Terri's Tips.

Put your baby...

in the oven...I mean high heels. Cute video on CNN, way to report the "news." The second video features twins in high heels at the encouragement of their mother. That dumb bitch will come to regret such activity when they turn into killer queens.



Glamour shot of the day

I'm obsessed with the previous video of the renegade Australian pig. So, I wanted to stay with that theme by picking a different kind of pig for my glamour shot of the day.

Trash from every...

corner of the globe! Proof that Americans aren't the only culturally bankrupt morons in this world.

If you're looking...

for a gift for that special someone, and by "special" I mean somebody that you fucking hate, check out ThreadPit. I'm going to be sure and send this to all my ultra liberal "friends" that participated in the orchestrated effort to destroy Hillary Clinton.

Clay Aiken is...

such a stupid queen. "Coming Out" on the cover of People magazine is so white trash! Like he needed to "come out." I'm pretty sure the writing was on the wall.

This whole thing is so goddamn embarrassing. In 2003, he told Diane Sawyer, "I have some very effeminate qualities." And his mom's reaction when he told her that he was a queen, "she was obviously somewhat stunned."

I think Clay Aiken might not be seeing the whole picture. I was sold after the 10th methed out male prostitute came forward! I bet all of his redneck fans are dying right now. A river of tears is sweeping through Oklahoma (reservation trash), Missouri (white trash), and Texas (rednecks). A ten year old in Jolo, WV said, "I don't want to go to heaven if they don't let sodomites in...why didn't Clay just pray harder."



Quote of the day

"You won't see my Ford Taurus idling outside my building, and you certainly won't see my driver in it, because I don't have one. If you do see somebody else driving my Taurus, please call the police, because someone has stolen my car..." - U.S. Sen. Charles Grassley.

Like anyone would ever steal a Taurus. I'm fucking sure. I'm absolutely horrified that a member of congress is driving around Washington, DC in a goddamn Ford Taurus.



Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

Great idea to dress granny up like an angel, go ahead and remind her that the best part of her life is already over.

The set is adorable, what a shitty photographer. He/she obviously spared no expense. I'm sure that polyester cape gave her a killer yeast infection. She's tried everything to get the smell out of her sectional!

This week's blog...

is brought to you by METH! Meth and anonymous unprotected sex go hand in hand like Christians and denim. It's great for your skin, hair, teeth, just about anything you can think of.

No telling how many people this video has "saved" from the ravages of meth. I've got my fingers crossed for a meth baby in my stocking this Christmas.




Finding that special...

someone can be a long and painful process. Trust me, I'm about to write a book about my own adorable journey and the ease in which I mix with others. Cue the panic attack. Anyway, if these white trash pigs can do it, then hope remains for the rest of us...except maybe for my friend Jenni.

This is also a perfect time for me to reintroduce my all time favorite white trash wedding. I'm OBSESSED with this video. I'm not sure, but I think the groom might have some "learning disabilities." His facial expression at the 45 second mark, confirm my deepest fears.

What I would pay to be a fly on the wall, while they fuck!



The joy of...

finding a discarded weave. I'm not really sure how somebody could throw away something so amazing. If you've ever witnessed a fight that ends in a spray of weave chunks, then you know what I'm talking about. This would have made a perfect rattail.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I know this might not technically qualify as a glamour shot, but I'm still obsessed with it. I'm really enjoying the oval on the head technique. You could call it...loser on a loser.

I'd like you...

to meet "Tiffany" and "Twila." They're the 5th installment in the Tranny Nightmare series. These two know how to have a good time. Anyone up for some Bartels & Jaymes? These two have also made an art of out using makeup in a very subtle way. It's important to look "natural" in order to be "authentic."

The Tranny code of conduct is a very serious thing, as you can tell by the video below.



Are you trying...

to sell your shitty car? The following formula is guranteed to work:

Step 1. Hire a whore and make her wear Lucite shoes. If in doubt, then google "Shauna Sand."

Step 2. Febreze the cloth interior, but don't worry about emptying out the ashtray.

Lincoln Town Cars are fucking awful. Old people have been farting/pissing/shitting in them for over 30 years.

Should I feel...

bad about making fun of someone with a medical condition? Anyway, I'm over it. Steven Cojocaru is so fucking annoying. He's got to be one of the biggest queens on the planet, and there are some really fierce queens out there. He looks like a beach ball covered in bronzer. And I'm pretty sure he jacked his wig from one of the Olsen twins.

The Pontiac Firebird....

is just like a fine wine that only gets better with age. This specimen below has obviously been their most cherished form of transportation. This kind of purchase is really an "investment" in your future. I'd like to be buried in a Firebird, a true pussy wagon.




Thursday, September 18, 2008

Smoking is so...

fucking gross. I think I smoked for 8 years, adorable and a cute investment. My toleration for smoking is at an all time low. It fucks with my gag reflex. Smoking is like brushing your teeth with melted caramel. Check out the cute cig voice on the WTM (white trash mom) below.



One more reason...

to stay in bed on Sunday. I jacked this video from Dlisted. Once again, these Christians are proving that they know how to bring down the house. Everything about this video is "amazing." And by amazing, I mean it's fucking awful. The guy is definitely the star. Keeping in line with Christian tradition, the women were forced to remain in the background, silent and miserable.

If you're ever...

in Plantation, Florida, I hope you stop at First Grace Church of Plantation. You might just get "SAVED." They are responsible for the multimillion dollar dance routine seen in the previous blog.

This church apparently has "real answers for real life." Thank God somebody finally figured out the "truth." I've been waiting for so long! The fact that they use a howling wolf in one of their promos, should be enough to get your jumping for Jesus.

I hope you make it...before the "Rapture."



RWT

Pamela Anderson is...Rich White Trash.

Not only is...

this bitch a good friend, but she could also pick a lock with her grill.

Glamour shot of the day

This "lady" looks kind of sweet, so I already feel like a jerk. Do you see that gloved hand? I want some of those goddamn gloves.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

Another white trash granny with a really fierce coiff. If you want to copy her look, just head to your local Regis, conveniently located on the way to Bible study and right around the corner from Sears.

I'd like you...

to meet "Amber." She's the fourth installment in the Tranny Nightmare series. As you can tell, Amber has decided to keep the tranny tradition of having very "natural" hair.

You'd never know that "she" had a hairy dick just 2 years ago.

What an adorable..

"couple." I want to pay respect to their "love." I was really enjoying her look till I got to her bangs. They look like a nest of daddy longlegs. I wish I could interview them to find out the most INTIMATE of details.

Some of the questions I might ask: Does she stink? Can I see a video of you fucking? Did you meet at church? And finally, do you happen to own that baby blue Ford Taurus station wagon in the parking lot with Missouri tags?



Bass Pro Shops...

are a pillar of the redneck community, almost a refuge. They are monstrous and contain white trash paraphernalia for every aspect of your shitty life. A friend just went and he took some adorable pictures. The camouflage Bible is my favorite. You gotta have Jesus, even when you're out in the woods killing shit.