Sunday, August 31, 2008

Update on Bobbi Jo

As many of you know, Facebook has one again censored my art by taking down the profile of Bobbi Jo Jenkins. She means so much to me. The "culture" she represents, brings me to tears. Don't worry though, I'm in MASSIVE legal battle to bring her back. She must remain a voice for her "people."

Glamour shot of the day

This bitch is really trying to raise the bar. The picture would look fabulous blown up and hanging above a fire place. It could be enjoyed from a massive sectional with a built in cooler.

Trust me when...

I say, the average American is absolutely retarded. Pictures like these stand as a testament to how serious the problem really is. Rebel flags, guns, shitty churches, denim jumpers - they keep me up at night.

Photoshop can be...

a very dangerous tool in the hands of a tasteless moron. The is the second picture in a series that is just so goddamn trashy, I had to share it will all of you. Her favorite shows include The Price is Right and Family Feud.

Today has been...

very calm and peaceful for me. I wanted to celebrate with the magnificent picture below. I'd like to think that she's beating those dream catchers together just like a tambourine. And the howling wolf bullshit always kills me. Just think of the humble abode that such an amazing piece of art might be housed in. I have a few ideas.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm going on...

a vacation to Branson, Missouri. It's my 5th year in a row to attend Monster Trucks for Jesus, a cause I'm very passionate about. I'll continue to celebrate TRASH in all forms, it's just going to be at a slower pace. I'd like to thank all 5 of my fans for their continued support.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I was crawling into the oven earlier and this glamour shot kept me from eating all the food that was baking. This picture is fucked up from a multitude of angles. To start with, anyone that is that big of a pig, should never showcase their stretch marks. I'm sure the "photographer" had to use a lint brush to get all the crumbs off of her.

I also have a feeling that she smokes Newport 100s and supports an endless line of worthless men who cater to her "daddy complex." She probably also has a really shitty car, got my fingers crossed that it's a Pontiac Bonneville.



Have you ever...

seen anything so tacky? This is an example of Photoshop in the hands of a redneck moron. I have a feeling this gross bitch thought this picture was really elegant!

This week's blog...

is brought to you by the Sloth. Why? Because they're fucking sick and its claws are off the hook.

Gas stations really...

know how to deliever on shitty "art." This collection is proudly featured at a Love's truck stop in Oklahoma. That's all kinds of adorable. I'm not sure if you've ever been to a Love's before, but they are fucking sick. It's the kind of place you shouldn't let your kids go in alone. The urinals in the bathroom will probably be covered in enough pubic hair for Locks of Love to make a few wigs.

If you haven't been to Oklahoma you probably shouldn't. The state license plates should say, "Oklahoma: We're fucking miserable!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I'm considering organizing a class action against Sears and Olan Mills. How many pigs have been lied to over the years? The "photographer's" theme: CHOCTAW PRIDE.

If you make...

Jesus really "cool," it's a lot easier to brainwash moron kids.

I saw this...

fabulous Dodge Neon peeling out of a Burger King parking lot. They then proceeded to race another redneck down the highway, finally ending with the other car (Camaro) breaking down.




I'm too obsessed...

with these losers. I can't stop posting pictures of them. I'm starting to have the feeling that this is actually their biological offspring. I think the Christian in the blue shirt might have been the surrogate mother. I hear German Shepherd sperm is off the hook! Country Queens kill me!





Monday, August 25, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

Wrapping her in a hot tub cover might not have been the best choice. These "photographers" really know how to make these plain pigs look "classy."

Losers of the week

What a couple of loser bitches. I have a feeling the one of the right has been "touched" by the hand of the Lord. I think they wiped the drool away right before the picture was taken. And those goddamn denim shorts!!!

The secret formula...

to getting more pussy than anyone else at the trailer park...get a Ford Festiva. I'd like to rip out the cloth seats, boil them and make a nice broth.




Thank God for...

Craigslist! This is a listing that could benefit from Scratch & Sniff technology.

Single Mom With a Twist - w4m - 43

"Single mom, 41 yrs, looking for fun and companionship. I am a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman), if that is something you are not into, please keep moving. Good luck with your search."

Friday, August 22, 2008

Glamour shot(s) of the day

I always recommend having a glamour shot made with a sibling. This is a great option because it will make both of you look like morons. These bitches look identical to the two headed monster from Willow.



A great way...

to show you're patriotic. This is a really gorgeous. I recommend taking a trip around the world, and only wearing this shirt. It will bring much love and admiration.

I'm not really...

sure if this guy is a mook or a redneck. He might be straddling that fine line. Let's just go with TRASHY! Possibly harming an animal for the sake of a shitty picture is a classic sign of being White Trash. That sword is adorable, probably from a collection of several hundred.

And the fucking NRA, are you kidding? I'll never forget Charlton Heston wielding a shotgun and yelling, "FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS." Nice timing. Might have to put him on the "THANK GOD HE'S DEAD LIST."




Greetings from the...

grave. This is such a classy way to remember the dearly departed. It's a two step procedure. First, you take a really adorable photo - preferably something with a Western or Prairie theme. Then, you take it to a redneck that's figured out how to use Photoshop. And voila, you have something great to send out at Christmas that is guaranteed to horrify everyone.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

As my dad would say, "what an old whore." The grandson looks up to his grandma and says, "Granny, why does your blonde hair always have black roots?"

This week's blog...

is brought to you by the Ford Taurus. If you've been depressed and have been considering ending it all, just buy one of these and everything will be fine.

What an adorable...

loser combo. The Southern Baptist Convention is such a fucking dump. The excitement! The glamour! It's basically the same as seeing Cher in Vegas, just substitute her for Jesus. What a bunch of hypocritical pigs. I have it on good authority that to get a parking pass you have to have a Mercury Sable, the "luxurious" cousin of the Ford Tarus.




This would be...

an amazing t-shirt, velvet painting or bedspread. Do you see the the female wolf cowering in anticipation? I've always been a really BIG fan of airbrushed "art." It really took a lot of "talent" to get that rose just right in the wolf's mouth.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

The "theme" this "photographer" was going for is about to kill me. The poor thing probably hauled ass directly from bible study to make her appointment at Sears. The gloves speak of secret whoredog potential. After you've memorized your daily verse, then she'll break out the latex fist and fish flavored lube.

Three of my...

favorite accessories - gross rings, a really cute cane, and acrylic nails so adorable that you'll want to drown your kids in the bathtub. This picture was taken while "she" was on the witness stand.

The conversation probably went something like this: "Mrs. McDaniel, do you know why your son LeRoy attacked and raped your neighbors poodle?" "I'm not sure your honor. He was raised a good Southern Baptist.

The kind of...

tattoo that really lets everyone know how class you are. To start with, that eagle is beautiful and makes me want to join the NRA. Some people just don't understand the difference between "heritage" and "hate."

Rebel flags belong to the highest order of White Trash.

Boot of the week

I've really been neglecting my BOOTS lately, nothing has caught my attention/made me barf. These sick fucking boots jolted me out of my daily coma. They are so gross! You can buy them on Saks.com. "The electric hue and gathered detail gives a modern vibe to the classic lace-up leather hiking shoe."

I'm considering organizing a protest over these sick ass shoes. The heel! I would pay a lot of money to see a gross queen dragging these down a trail. Cute hiker!


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

The studded leather jacket and the Delta Burke hair are out of control. The black and red backdrop screams Oklahoma prairie.

A dream catcher...

for everyone of your shitty dreams. Any of these would look fabulous in your home. Or even better, hanging from the rear view mirror of your car.

The irony of dream catchers made in China to be sold exclusively to White Trash!



This is probably...

the best profile picture from Match.com. What a shitty website. Anyway, this redneck/mook combo is sure to send you to the ER with a black eye or maybe a lacerated organ. If you love rebel flags and weapons, then you'll really love this white trash delight. I'm sure he has some really cute prison stories.




Everyone knows that...

American cars run forever, and by forever, I mean at least 3 or 4 years. The Ford Tempo is a masterpiece of engineering and in it's day was the envy of all of Europe...mainly the Soviets.

In the pic below we have a little car work being done in the parking lot at an apartment complex. Where else would you work on your car at? I have a feeling this is the first break down.




Monday, August 18, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

The "photographer" was really successful in accentuating her overbite. The one curl in the front is always a really amazing look. You have to dip it in melted butter first, to get it to set right.


If you didn't...

already love the "Lord," a really shitty t-shirt like this might be just what you're looking for. It's a great way to let all your "lost" friends know where your heart is.

Some skanks came up to me one time at the mall wearing some cute shirts like this, they said, "Do you know where your soul would go if you died tonight?" I answered, "I think you need to use some White Strips."

You might be...

a loser if you have a collection of the following: swords, daggers, switch blades, throwing stars, or any other kind of white trash ninja paraphernalia.

When I was in junior school, this really gross loser brought some throwing stars to school. He had dandruff the size of cornflakes. Anyway, the ninja accessories put me over the edge, so I told a teacher he had weapons. The school rent-a-cop hauled him and his skin chunks to the Principal's office.

Cut to me waiting for my mom to pick me up after school. I heard this sound and the next thing I know, I'm flying through the air. Which if you know me, is a feat in itself. The gross fucker I'd told on, did some Bruce Lee inspired crazy white trash kick in the air and knocked my ass out - in front of about 400 kids.

The day Elvis...

died, skanky bitches fell off their sectionals and pissed all over their shag carpet. He's been dead 31 years. Thank God. Can you imagine the pigs that threw their panties at him? BLEH. I'm sure a few had tampons stuck to them.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I wanted to switch things up. I've been looking at gross bitches for so long, that I needed the relief of a sweet little chihuahua. I'm going to fantasize about how trashy the owner is. Any pig that would take their little dog in for a series of glamour shots, has to be totally fucked up.

The owner weighs at least 400 pounds, hopefully more. She drives a baby blue Ford Taurus station wagon with at least 300,000 miles on it. "She" also has a set of acrylic nails decorated with dolphins, along with 6 XL white sweatshirts covered in puff paint Looney Tunes.

Sometimes you just...

have to embrace your inner trashiness. One way to achieve this, is by traveling (by car or bus) to Chicago, for a taping of the Jerry Springer show. And if you're REALLY trashy, they might even put you on the show. The extra large seats are reinforced with steel to accommodate everyone from the South. There's even a "gourmet" buffet after the show, a popular place to deal with your feelings.



Is everything ok?

Parasitic twins are coming into style. This one can even get a boner.

I'd like you...

to met Vickie. Such a trashy name. Anyway, Vickie is classic white trash and her mullet is fabulous. Look at the blonde curly tips, I'm dying! She's also sporting some of my favorite tattoos. I really love the rose and the dagger going through the heart combo. The blood dripping off the tip of the dagger is also a really nice touch. The four "diamond" studs in a row are a class act. Cute granny. The only things missing, are her Misty 180s ultra lights and a man can of Coors light.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

This glamour shot is a particular favorite. I really like it because it shows what a plain bitch she was before the "makeover." That asymmetrical ruffle is about to do me in. It looks like a prop from the La Isla Bonita music video.

I can't stop...

obsessing about the Ford Aerostar. I hope the redneck that is peeling out in the piece of shit is being closely watched by the police.

I think I was jealous of my neighbors when they got one.



Freedom isn't Free!

The ponytail of...

my trashy dreams. This ponytail is fucking sick, I bet it stinks. I would love to see this thing blowing out the window of a 1987 Ford Aerostar van. Or maybe deep fried and then dipped in ranch.

A talent like...

no other!! I'm OBSESSED with this "lady."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

First of all, this pig is totally adorable. This is an example of when the popped collar technique could have been beneficial. Instead, the "photographer" decided to accentuate her triple chin with a choker. The teased hair makes "her" look like she's actually going to pop out of the picture and eat you.