Thursday, July 31, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

This is one of those rare occasions when I have a feeling that this "lady" looks like this all the time. This is a pretty fierce look, even for a trashy glamour shot. Those acrylic nails look like a grizzly paw. I would not want to fuck with her!

A mullet is...

almost like a diamond - it's meant to be forever. I've included a diagram if you'd like to try one out. A mullet is very useful at sporting events, especially NASCAR. When the breeze hits one just right, it's like paradise. In Trash Heaven, everyone has mullets, Bon Jovi's on all the time, your wife never gets bruises when you beat her up, your truck never breaks down, the Coors Light never runs out and pussy flows like a river.

Mugshot of the week

Is everything ok? Have you ever been in a really bad situation and somebody says to you, "don't worry, everything will be fine." Those people are full of shit. I'm guessing that she's been smoking some speed made in a the toilet of a really cute trailer. Meth really does a body good - so great for your skin, hair and teeth. I just love it!

Every once in...

awhile, I see something that makes me speechless. This is almost one of those times. First of all, what a shitty investment. If I saw this coming down the highway, I would fake a stroke, cross the line and hit it - for the sake of humanity.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

What a troll. She looks like an extra from Roseanne and that collar over the chin trick is about to kill me!. Those Yoko One glasses are sick and only really work on Yoko and she's still butt ugly.

Take a closer look!

The most adorable business in the entire world, would have to be the Ozark Reptile Museum. To start with what a shitty hobby turned into an even skankier business. This also might be the tackiest business card I've ever seen. He claims to be a Witness for Jesus Christ (adorable), a body guard (I'm fucking sure), and a snake remover (white trash). In other words, lock your doors at night. I'm sure his throwing star collection if off the hook.

This makes me...

feel a whole lot better.

The custom car...

of your redneck dreams! This Ford Festiva is amazing. I'm assuming it's camouflaged for off roading purposes. Or maybe so the driver can sneak up on animals to rape? Whatever the reason for it's magnificence, I'd like to be buried in it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Glamour shot of the day

I think we can file this one under "starving for affection." Is it really possible to practice proper hygiene with a set of gross acrylic nails?

If you're looking

for a shitty church, I just might have found one - conveniently located in Missouri. "Shitty church" might actually be an oxymoron, aren't all churches really shitty?

Every town has...

a few crazy fuckers that come to symbolize the urgent need for euthanasia. This particular individual is crazy as shit. Some mechanic has jacked up his electric wheel chair and he can reach about 40 mph. I recently witnessed him do a wheelie while going across the street. Most of my friends think I'm full of shit, but I had two witnesses. We watched in horror and this crazy old bastard did a wheelie in his shitty wheel chair.


Who could have known that Shia LeBeouf would have such a trashy mom? Her key chain is off the hook. Nothing kills me more than a big sick key chain! She was photographed peeling out in this Taurus station wagon.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Is this the...

kind of statement you really want to make? A mustard yellow Monte Carlo!!! I'm so ill. To name such a shitty car after one of the most fabulous cities in the world - what an insult.

Glamour shot of the day

That gold pimp jacket is really bringing out her cheek bones. You can normally catch her pigging the fuck out at your neighborhood Golden Coral. I have a feeling this is one in a series of provocative shots that this lady gave to her husband as an anniversary present.

The dyke you've...

always dreamed of. I have it on good authority that this "lady" can really take care of some serious beaver. Line em up and she'll fuck em up. She also really likes to drag her mullet over a nice steaming muffin top. Check out the other glamour puss lesbian in the background. If I'm not mistaken, she's wearing a shirt with a dream catcher. You can barely make out the feather.

If you've ever...

been to a shitty theme park somewhere in the South, then you've probably had the opportunity to participate in one of these adorable photo shoots. Rednecks absolutely love this shit. It's right up there with taking the whole family out to Medieval Times. The ubertrashiness of Medieval Times will be addressed in a future blog.

Anyway, these morons dress up like cowboys and the women dress up like saloon whores from the 1800s. Ideally, everyone in Trash Heaven would dress up like pioneers.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Breaking News!

Apparently Jesus has a Myspace now. So tacky! Check out the Jesus sand castles, those are getting em "saved" left and right.

The troll that made this wanted everyone to know that the real Jesus didn't make this page, but just a loyal follower. He says, "The person running this MySpace is obviously NOT Jesus Christ himself!!! It is informational only. You can be sure that Jesus does hear your prayers, whether they are typed, silent, or out loud."

I'm glad he got everything all cleared up.

Glamour shot of the day

What a skank.

After watching this...

video, I'd like to ask all of you to pray for me. The redneck energy flowing from this clip has rendered me totally retarded. This soundtrack is also amazing. There is nothing like angry white trash peeling out all over a shitty town. Drag racing in a neighborhood is a personal favorite. With all the kids and old people, it's kind of like an obstacle course.

Poor thing!

I'm probably going to go to hell for making fun of these old worn out trolls. Life is pretty shitty, thank God she's got the LORD on her side or things might be even worse

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The beast is...

back! Her denim diaper is amazing, the legs are perfect cylinders. This is the kind of picture that could really benefit from scratch & sniff technology. She fucking stinks!

Glamour shot of the day

I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. I can just see the pig that told this homely bitch how aristocratic she'd look with this red glove on. I'm sure! Some drag queen is methed out, beating her grandmother up and kicking over furniture because her red gloves have gone missing.

The smell coming...

from these limos will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm totally obsessed with how shitty they are. I took my friend and we did a whole photo shoot on them. At one point she was only wearing boots and a fur coat! Somebody is selling all three for $10,000. What a deal! Are you fucking kidding?

Cut to me writing a hot check for ten grand. I'm going to put a brick on the accelerator and drive one over a cliff into a lake.

This family was...

grunting and knocking people out of the way to get to the pastry case. I'm sure the parents have an amazing sex life. Nothing like fucking and pigging out at the same time. I watched the "little" girl cry in the corner as she ate her 5th bear claw. She ended up killing her mom in the parking lot over the last cookie.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The tranny of your dreams!

Say hello to "Ginger Grant." I'm going to officially certify her Texas white trash by the power invested in me by the Cherokee Nation. Ginger's myspace page is unreal and this pic is captioned, "classy pose." The smell of balls duct taped in pantyhose!!

Boot of the week

This is one sick boot! This looks just like a boot that a disgusting former coworker of mine used to wear. When he showed up to work wearing these clunky boots I almost fainted. The heels are so thick they they would drag and snare on the carpet. Look at those laces!

Glamour shot of the day

The collar over the chin trick does not work, especially when you weigh 600lbs! And those leather hats should be illegal! They kill me!

The discovery of...

the year! On a nice drive yesterday, I came upon some sacred burial ground for decades of white trash hopes and dreams. For sale on the side of the road were three of the shittiest limos I've ever seen. In general, I'm obsessed with gross tacky white limos. These pieces of shit were immaculate. There was almost a white light surrounding them. I'll compare it to Moses finding the burning bush in the desert.

Each one was trashy in it's own unique way, kind of like a snowflake. I've been obsessing about the white trash memories/adventures that these skank wagons have endured. If only they could talk about all the weddings, blacked out sex followed by multiple abortions, the buckets of redneck barf and piss that have been ground into the fabulous velour interior. I'm dying!!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I'm not really...

sure this hairdo fits the head and face of this woman. Her head is fucking huge and that swirl isn't really framing things up very well. It looks kind of like an egg with a thimble super glued on.

Glamour shot of the day

Poor thing, that photographer really brought out her smile. Her overbite is off the hook. It looks like she could win a tree climbing contest with her hands behind her back. Or maybe eat something from the kitchen while she's still in bed.

A collection of

ugly bitches. The "girl" on the left, looks like a praying mantis and the pig on the right could trip and break through the floor. It also looks like you could put a nickel between each one of her teeth. Cute look.

The road trip...

of your redneck dreams complete with customized airbrushed African art a la the Lion King.

Monday, July 21, 2008

On a recent...

trip to the bowels of hell, there was one shining beacon of light in all the darkness. This mythical monster caught my eye while she was dragging her K-Swiss boots across some gravel. With every step, her knees would knock. She was a classic knock knee, a personal favorite of mine. I saw "her" later on at the hot dog stand. There is nothing like self medicating with meat to deal with your identity crisis.

Glamour shot of the day

Does the satin covered hand holding back a triple chin really make you look that much skinnier? And I've always wondered, how often do these props get cleaned?